After her heart was so publicly stomped on by Blake "LOVE RAT" Garvey, Sam Frost is back for Round Two. But this time, she's in the drivers seat. Yay for ladies having the power for once!
I wasn't particularly a fan of Sam's during the 2014 season - I was totally #TeamLaurina, you know I love me a drama queen - but I couldn't help but jump on the Samwagon after the aforementioned dumping. She handled it all like an absolute champion.
We start with a quick rundown of the Heartbreak of 2014, in which Sam appears to still be quite broken about the whole ordeal. I can't even imagine how difficult an experience that must have been for her to endure on the public stage. Unlike Bachelors prior, who I feel have the tendency to come across a bit like puppets reading from cue cards, Sam seems very genuine in front of the cameras, and there is a sense of fragility around her that is instantly endearing. TREAT HER RIGHT, GENTLEMEN.
This moment of honest vulnerability almost brought me to tears. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER SAM
As Osher welcomes us back to Bach Manor, we are introduced to a few of the lucky lads who will be vying for Sam's heart: Richie, a rope access technician (read: professional abseiler) who wants to find "someone that wants to grab life by the coattails" which is only the first of the butchered idioms that will appear in tonight's episode. Sigh. You don't grab coattails dude, you ride them.
Next is Sasha, a senior project engineer who is looking for love. He's also a mama's boy: Cha-CHING. In my experience, boys who love their mums treat their women right. If a guy doesn't get along with his mother, RUN. "I've got cars, I've got a successful career, but I'd trade that all in in a second to find that one special person and start a family." Double cha-CHING right here. Sash, you're ticking boxes dude.
We then meet Michael, a professional soccer player who has represented Australia in the Socceroos and at the Olympics. Ooh, professional athlete...they do have a reputation. For some reason, we're then treated to a slo-mo shower scene. Alrighty then.
Relevant.
Davey, a carpenter from the Northern Beaches, says that when people first meet him they think he's annoying. Good to know, considering you're heading into a cocktail party that completely relies on that first impression.
Speaking of, it's cocktail hour! Osher & Sam have a lovely moment where it's clear that he genuinely hopes she finds someone on this journey - you know that he was totally #TeamSam. I like to think these two have had some epic bitch sessions about Blake behind closed doors.
The men are starting to arrive: First up is Dave, a plumber from Sydney who seems to be a lovely - if nervous - guy. Alex is a 35 year old financial consultant. And English. I do love me a suave Brit. Plus, he's a sexy bald guy. I've got a thing for sexy bald guys. He also thought to bring Sam a pair of flats for when her feet start to hurt. Oh, nice one! What a gentleman.
This man knows how to put a suit together. Just look at that colour & pattern combo!
Young Davey is up next, who calls the experience "nerve-breaking." Dude, it's "nerve-racking." Sigh. He then tells Sam he's not used to wearing a suit and that he feels like he could get nipple rash. Oh god. I do like that Sam offers her own running commentary as the guys leave, assumedly directed towards a producer standing to the side.
We then meet
Smug smarminess: SO HOT FOR FALL.
Mr Frontrunner finally arrives, and can I just say - I LOVE SASHA SO MUCH ALREADY GUYS. I tell you, if I weren't married...and if he weren't possibly shacking up with Sam right now...yeah, he's totally my type. He makes Sam a serviette rose, and Sam gets all tongue-tied and giggly. After he makes to leave, she pulls him back - GOOD SIGN SASH. When he eventually leaves, she whispers "Now we're talking." I love these two so much already. I swear, if Ten is setting me up for another Heather-sized disappointment,
I love that every guy receives the same send off from Sam: "Go inside, have a drink and relax!" Read: GO GET LIQUORED UP AND PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN.
I won't go through the rest of the batch in detail, because none of them are particularly that exciting...but I do have to draw attention to Will here, who...yeah, he's a special one. But he seems to make a good impression, with Sam saying "I love Will! He just seems like an absolute sweetheart."
Inside the Manor, the boys all start sizing each other up. Since everything sounds better with an English accent, let's listen to Suave Alex introduce us to the Three D's: "So there's three Daves, right? There's Dave: he's got a way with words which only an Australian can transmit. [CUT TO DAVE: "Just think of your best mate trying to get to know a broad, then like, you go over and snatch her, mate you'd be devo."] There's Davey, he's a gregarious fellow, let's put it that way. And then there's David. He's the supermodel, who knows what's going on inside his head [CUT TO DAVID: "Sometimes I feel like I think too much...but I don't."]...he seems to love moisturising products..." A beautifully succint summary of 3D.
Sam then enters and becomes genuinely emotional when thanking the gents and talking about last year's experience with He Who Shall Not Be Named. I'm really loving how natural she's coming across, like I said earlier, Blake & Sam often seemed semi-scripted.
The boys decide to set some ground rules: The Bro Code. Namely, no bro is to interrupt another bro's one-on-one time with Sam. Alex summarises the Code as "it's about not cutting anyone's lunch" and, OK, I know that the idiom is "cut another guy's grass" but I do love the image of a bloke lovingly slicing his mate's sandwich.
Of course, when Sam pulls Dave away for a chat, David immediately starts plotting when he'll cut in. There's one in every bunch, isn't there. The other guys tell him he can't - WHAT ABOUT THE CODE! - so David calls them a bunch of pussies and says that "someone's gonna have to start playing the game." WHAT A LOVELY GUY HE IS. And also, IT'S NOT A GAME, IT'S HER LIFE. Seriously, guys, stop talking about "the game!!!"
After David lurks in the shadows for a sufficient amount of time, he gets time with Sam to prove that he's more than just a model. How does he do this exactly? Well...he basically talks about being a model. Oh, and that he was born in Poland, so the lucky, lucky lady who becomes Mrs Hansel will receive a European passport. And doesn't Sam just seem SUPER IMPRESSED with that little carrot he's dangling?
"I know the producers will want me to keep you around but UGH I JUST WANT TO PUNCH YOU RIGHT IN YOUR SMARMY LITTLE FACE."
Meanwhile, we have a bit of a Crazy Eyes situation developing here: young Davey is mildly panicked about the first impression he made on Sam and is desperate to rectify it (anyone getting flashbacks to Anal Glands Laura here?) When he finally sits down with Sam and she asks why he's here, he mentions that he's "always had bad relationships"...a throwaway comment that Sam immediately jumps on, because she's no fool. As he rattles off his numerous girlfriends, she mentions that it's "concerning" that he seems to go through girlfriends, and that rather than coming across as a "relationship guy" he appears to be a "ladies man." Oh, but it gets better: when asked to tell her his pickup line, Davey replies: "Smile if I can kiss you!" Yeahhhh....nope.
YAY WE'RE BACK TO SASHA! Because I'm a total stalker, I've done a bit of digging on Mr Sash here, and found that he shares a ridiculous amount of similar characteristics with my darling B: mama's boy, rugby player, German heritage, F1 fan, to name a few...so now I guess it all makes sense why he's so attractive to me. (And that is my way of saving my arse just in case dear husband happens to read this. Hi honey! Love you!)
Anyway, Sam continues to stumble over her words in Sasha's presence, but not in an uncomfortable way, in a really adorable, first date kind of way. She's obviously feeling the connection, because once again she stops him from leaving early, before hopping up to grab the first rose of the evening. YAY! #TEAMSHASAM! (...see what I did there? Like SHAZAM, but with Sha and Sam instead? Hey? Hey?)
Rose (boutonnière) ceremony time! I get why the guys are given boutonnières and not long stemmed roses...but gosh do the tiny blossoms look awkward in Sam's hands.
In the end, Crazy Eyes Davey is in the final three with Shane, who rode in on a skateboard, and Luke, who...I can't remember much of at all, to be honest with you. Davey receives the final rose and, I have to say, these unlucky lads handle it beautifully, both seeming genuinely hopeful that Sam finds love. Aww. Kudos, gentlemen!
NEXT TIME: Never mind what happens in the rest of the episode, because at the cocktail party Sam goes in HARD when Hansel disrespects her and/or the man she's chatting to. BOW DOWN.
The Bachelorette Australia airs Wednesday and Thursday nights from 7:30pm on Channel Ten.
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