Our dashing hero this year is Sam Wood from Melbourne, who founded a company that runs sports & fitness programs for primary schools (read: AWW HE LOVES KIDS YOU GUYSSSSS). Originally from Tasmania, Sam is looking for that special person to settle down with and start a family of his own. A wish that is evidenced by this slo-mo shot of him showering at the beach...I guess...
"Can't you just picture my big, ropey arms, cradling our newborn child?"
Let the cocktail party begin! We meet our first Bachelorette, Snezana (rhymes with "parmigiana"). She's in & out pretty quickly, leaving Sam wanting more. Unfortunately for her though, she's the one left NEEDING more: specifically, his name, after she forgot to ask for it. She's going to be THAT girl at the party, greeting him with an awkward "Heyyyy...you!"
However, that's nothing compared to poor Yorkie vet Laura who, when asked for her funniest animal story, decides to regale poor Sam with a tale that uses the phrase "anal glands" about 17 billion times. As you can see, he was LOVING it...
We then meet the ladies who are easily my favourites already: Heather and Jacinda. This was the limo I'd want to have arrived in. You know these two would've had a ball on the way...
"Just don't pee yourself, coz I ain't cleaning it up." - Jacinda
Heather tells Sammy Boy that he's pretty, then explains that she's looking for someone she can be a friend with first, which some people might think is lame, but I find lovely. You SHOULD want to be able to grab a beer & have a laugh with your partner! #TeamHeather
Meanwhile, Jacinda is back in the limo giving herself the best pep talk ever: "Keep yourself together. Say hello, smile, and then...lightly vomit in your mouth." Once she bucks up, she greets Sam with a Polaroid camera, takes a selfie with him, and then sneaks a shot of his butt as she departs. Nice one! #TeamJacinda
NAILED IT.
Alas, not every girl can be this delightful. Which brings us to Sandra, a P.E teacher from Melbourne who has either burned through a case of Red Bull, necked a bottle of champagne in the limo, or is just plain putting it on for the cameras, because I can't imagine her behaviour purely being down to nerves. All of these girls are nervous; no one else is making such a gigantic ass of themselves. This might sound bitchy, but I feel validated in my opinion knowing the girls feel the same: As Snezana explains to camera, "Sandra...flamboyant? No...annoying."
After the final girl arrives, Osher enters and explains how once again, the White Rose (DUN DUN DUNNNN) is in play. Last year, it gave its recipient instant passage through the first 2 rose ceremonies; this year, in a BACHELOR WORLD FIRST, the lucky lady will have the power to ask Sam on a date of their own, whenever they so choose. Wait, you mean, the GIRL is given power in this situation? That is UNBELIEVABLE.
As Sammy Boy works his way through the ladies swanning around Bach Manor, a storm is brewing. Let's call it, Shitstorm Sandra.
"Imma just drink my champers over here, you guys do you."
Meanwhile, Lovely Heather is sharing her courting philosophy with Tessa: "I'm not gonna look for Bachie, Bachie's gonna come to me." And lo and behold, he does. They have an adorable conversation about awkward teen stages and superhero loves, and there seems to be real chemistry between them. Afterwards, Heather says "I've already said to a few of the other girls tonight that I do feel that friendship thing there, and they're taking that as 'she's been friend-zoned'...Thats not the point. Sometimes being in that zone is more dangerous than being in the lover zone. SO much more dangerous, because it's real." See what I was saying earlier? This chick gets it.
Shitstorm Sandra then sees the opportunity to win a few people over to "her side" and starts spinning the tale of Evil Reshael to anyone who will listen. (read: is unfortunate enough to have made eye contact with Sandy) In this brand new version, Reshael "bit her head off" and called Sandra a "trouble maker, back stabber, gossip queen." We all know this isn't how it went down, but even if that was what Reshael had said, it would have been an accurate statement, quite frankly.
After a bit of encouragement from some of the other girls, The Shitstorm decides to "clear the air" in front of everyone. Because, when you have an issue with someone, the best thing to do is to confront them in front of a group of people, completely twist the story and then refuse to let them counter your claims. Yep. Nailed it Sandy. Awesome Jacinda kicks back with her imaginary popcorn and I decide that I want her to narrate the rest of the season...
Sam chats with Snezana and she reveals to him that she has a 9 year old daughter at home. Sam handles this news adorably, and this is the point where I decide that I approve of this year's casting. Blake always came across as a bit inauthentic to me last year, and we all know how that turned out, but Sam here seems to be a genuinely lovely guy.
AND THE FIRST ROSE IS OUT! After a chat and impromptu yoga lesson, Sam gifts his first rose of the evening to events manager Sarah. Shit just got real, ladies.
After the appearance of the first rose, Tessa decides that drastic action needs to be taken. Namely: an outfit change. Uncomfortable in her gown, Tess decides to show Sam who she really is in jeans, a flannie and Timberlands. And it works - she glows. It just goes to show that being comfortable is the key to being confident.
THE WHITE ROSE HAS APPEARED! Sam slowly strolls amongst the ladies, each one perking up with hope, and then pouting with disappointment as he passes them by. He finally stops and asks for a moment with...damnit, adbreak...Heather! Yay! They then have a very sweet moment that it totally private and not at all being watched by everyone at the party...
Rose ceremony time! Shitstorm seems to think she's going in with a massive advantage, seeing as she has "sooo much in common" with Sam. Other than the fact that they both work with children and their names start with the same letter, I have no idea what else she could be alluding to. "We're both homo sapiens! It's meant to be."
Osher then interrupts the rose ceremony to give us a "sneak peek" of the first season of The Bachelorette, and can I just say: A 60 second promo of Sam Frost walking out of The Langham in slo-mo, DOES NOT A SNEAK PEEK MAKE. It's an ad. You tricked us into watching an ad. Yes, Sam is the Bachelorette. WE ALREADY KNEW THAT.
Ahem. Anyway. Back to the rose ceremony! After Sam makes it a typically drawn out affair, three women remain: Shitstorm, Zilda and Quiet Mouse...whose actual name is, I think, Amanda, but I can't be bothered checking. And the final rose goes to...DAMNIT. Sandra. Here's hoping that she's just a producers pick, and that Sam gives her the boot early on. I don't know if I can handle a whole season's worth of her "energy."
Shitstorm Sandra then sees the opportunity to win a few people over to "her side" and starts spinning the tale of Evil Reshael to anyone who will listen. (read: is unfortunate enough to have made eye contact with Sandy) In this brand new version, Reshael "bit her head off" and called Sandra a "trouble maker, back stabber, gossip queen." We all know this isn't how it went down, but even if that was what Reshael had said, it would have been an accurate statement, quite frankly.
After a bit of encouragement from some of the other girls, The Shitstorm decides to "clear the air" in front of everyone. Because, when you have an issue with someone, the best thing to do is to confront them in front of a group of people, completely twist the story and then refuse to let them counter your claims. Yep. Nailed it Sandy. Awesome Jacinda kicks back with her imaginary popcorn and I decide that I want her to narrate the rest of the season...
Sam chats with Snezana and she reveals to him that she has a 9 year old daughter at home. Sam handles this news adorably, and this is the point where I decide that I approve of this year's casting. Blake always came across as a bit inauthentic to me last year, and we all know how that turned out, but Sam here seems to be a genuinely lovely guy.
AND THE FIRST ROSE IS OUT! After a chat and impromptu yoga lesson, Sam gifts his first rose of the evening to events manager Sarah. Shit just got real, ladies.
"Just casually doing a downward dog in a ballgown. Whatevs. BTDubs: Notice how flexible I am? You're welcome."
After the appearance of the first rose, Tessa decides that drastic action needs to be taken. Namely: an outfit change. Uncomfortable in her gown, Tess decides to show Sam who she really is in jeans, a flannie and Timberlands. And it works - she glows. It just goes to show that being comfortable is the key to being confident.
THE WHITE ROSE HAS APPEARED! Sam slowly strolls amongst the ladies, each one perking up with hope, and then pouting with disappointment as he passes them by. He finally stops and asks for a moment with...damnit, adbreak...Heather! Yay! They then have a very sweet moment that it totally private and not at all being watched by everyone at the party...
"Just me and you...and all of these other chicks...and a camera crew...and producers in my ear..."
Rose ceremony time! Shitstorm seems to think she's going in with a massive advantage, seeing as she has "sooo much in common" with Sam. Other than the fact that they both work with children and their names start with the same letter, I have no idea what else she could be alluding to. "We're both homo sapiens! It's meant to be."
Osher then interrupts the rose ceremony to give us a "sneak peek" of the first season of The Bachelorette, and can I just say: A 60 second promo of Sam Frost walking out of The Langham in slo-mo, DOES NOT A SNEAK PEEK MAKE. It's an ad. You tricked us into watching an ad. Yes, Sam is the Bachelorette. WE ALREADY KNEW THAT.
OSHER LIES.
Ahem. Anyway. Back to the rose ceremony! After Sam makes it a typically drawn out affair, three women remain: Shitstorm, Zilda and Quiet Mouse...whose actual name is, I think, Amanda, but I can't be bothered checking. And the final rose goes to...DAMNIT. Sandra. Here's hoping that she's just a producers pick, and that Sam gives her the boot early on. I don't know if I can handle a whole season's worth of her "energy."
Farewell ladies, we hardly knew ye. Actually, we didn't know ye at all.
NEXT TIME: A sexy solo date on the high seas and the claws come out for Heather. BITCHES BE JEALOUS.
Awesome Jacinda and I will see you next time for popcorn and JUDGEMENT.
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