Are you a fan of the way the girls have been dismissing Heather because she's been "friendzoned"? Well then you'll love this episode: 30 seconds in and Emily is already digging at Heather because "she knows that Sam only sees her as a friend." Sigh. I'm so tired of this storyline. SAM, JUST PASH HEATHER IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AND SHUT EMILY UP ALREADY.
Heather is at least taking this all in her stride, saying that she's glad the girls don't see her as a threat because then they'll leave her alone, and after the drama that was the Snez-Sam kiss at the cocktail party, she's happy not to have to deal with that bullshit. Good on you, H-Bomb! Speaking of Snezana, she sympathises with Heather and the way that she feels protective of her relationship, saying "her Sam isn't my Sam. My Sam is my Sam and her Sam is her Sam. It's weird, but it's the only way it can work."
Osher then pops in with a golden envelope, which invites one lucky lady to "set the record straight" on a single date with Sam. WHATEVER COULD THIS POSSIBLY MEAN? Well, it's Nina who will be finding out, finally rewarded after missing out on every single & group date so far. Emily is obviously very impressed...
Emily's bitchface is a thing of beauty.
Nina trots off to meet Sam in Sydney Harbour and as they cruise across the water, he casually mentions that they'll be climbing the Harbour Bridge and breaking a Guiness World Record at the summit. Y'know, as you do on a first date, amiright? I still remember my first date with B: We had a lovely candlelit dinner, then set the record for Most Clothes Pegs Attached To Face. Ahh, memories.
Good thing you pointed it out to us Sam, we never would have been able to spot that teensy little bridge...
Meanwhile, back at Bach Manor, another golden envelope has arrived, inviting Snezana, Shitstorm Sandra, Jasmin, Bec, Ebru, Sarah, Jacinda and Heather on a group date, where they will "kick off with some bubbles." Will there be champagne? A trip to a day spa? A drunken brawl? ...Because all I think of when I hear the phrase "kick off" is lads fighting on Ex On The Beach. Aaaand that right there tells you all you need to know about the calibre of TV that I enjoy. Ahem. Anyway. Oh, and Jasmin has clearly been taking bitchface tips from Emily, check out when she announced Heather's name...
Back to the Bridge! Acrophobe Sam assures Nina that "heights are my only thing. Other than that, I'm all man." Jeez, the producers aren't being kind on him, eh? Dude has a fear of heights and they send him up in an air balloon, then to climb - as Osher informs us - the world's tallest steel arch bridge. Speaking of Osh, he meets them at the summit with "Chris" who is supposedly from Guiness World Records. When O informs Nina that the record they're attempting to break was previously set on the US Bachelor, she twigs almost instantly. Someone's obviously a Bachelor fangirl.
And in case you haven't paid attention to any promos or the preview at the start of the episode, that record is World's Longest Onscreen TV Kiss, which currently stands at 3min 48sec. ROMANTIC. "Grandma Nina, what was your first kiss with Grandpa Sam like?" "Well Jimmy, it was just him & me atop the Harbour Bridge...with a TV host yelling commentary...and a Guinness guy dictating the parameters of the kiss...and a camera crew buzzing around...and a BridgeClimb team watching..."
Anyway, long story short: They break the record with a kiss lasting 4min 10sec. I'm interested to see the proof of this, honestly. I know someone who holds a record, and they receive a whole lot of official certification. I've checked the GWR website and they haven't updated it either...hmm. Anyway, after the kiss was done & dusted, Sam had this to say: "I definitely feel like it changed the dynamic of our relationship." - O RLY, Sam? Kissing a girl continuously for four minutes has changed your dynamic? What a revelation.
Nina returns triumphantly, rose in hand, and regales the ladies with the tale of The Kiss That Stopped The Harbour. Most of the girls seem to find it hilarious...Heather? Notsomuch.
If looks could kill...
Group date time! The girls arrive at the hockey stadium at Sydney Olympic Park for a game of soccer...but this is soccer WITH A TWIST! They will be playing...naked. No, they're playing Zorb Soccer! You get all the fun of rolling around in a bubble, with all the mindnumbing dullness of a game of soccer! Yeah, can you tell I'm not a fan of the futbol? Much to the disappointment of my European family. Sorry Dad.
Shitstorm Sandra informs us that "this is my chance! Sam loves sport, so I need to shine!" And by "shine" she obviously means, "knock as many girls on their arses as viciously as possible. The more blindsided they are, the better. Oh, and scream a lot. A lot." In the words of Awesome Jacinda, "Sandra, when she wants attention, will make sure that she gets it. No matter how big she has to be, how loud, and how incredibly annoying." AWESOME JACINDA SPEAKS THE TRUTH.
Preach.
In the end, despite the Golden Girls taking an early lead, the Green Machine comes back and wins in the tiebreak. Which means, Sandra wins. Which means, more screaming. Ugh. Sam calls the match "one of the most enjoyable sporting experiences of my life." Watching 8 attractive women in tiny shorts and plastic bubbles barging into each other to win your love? No, I can't imagine why Sam would find that enjoyable.
And so, to the victor go the spoils. The girls are rewarded with a Mexican-themed cruise down the Parramatta River, complete with serapes, pinatas and, inexplicably, limbo, which is slightly offensive, seeing as limbo originated in Trinidad, not Mexico.
"You guys know this isn't Mexican, right?" "It's fine Jerry, to these girls it's all one and the same. Stick it on the boat!"
Meanwhile, back at the Manor the defeated Golden Girls arrive home with tales of bubbles, balls and...a kiss? Wait, wut? Wait, a hickey?! Oh, it's just Awesome Jacinda psyching them out. Well played. Carry on.
GOTCHA.
Back on the Love Boat and I'm really feeling for Jasmin, Ebru & Bec being stuck on this floating prison with Shitstorm. At least they have margaritas to numb their pain. She keeps hollering that they're "groupies," at one point even saying to Sam, "I'm literally your group date groupie!" ...yeah, I don't know if she grasps the concepts of "literally." Actually, I'm not sure she grasps the concept of "groupie" either. Speaking of Sammy Boy, he is as diplomatic as possible, saying of Shitstorm: "She's so friendly, so bubbly, she's got a massive heart...I just feel like she's so full on, all of the time. I feel like she doesn't understand there are times when it's better to stop and think and pause, she just continues to talk."
Cocktail hour! And once again, the Heather-Emily conflict is getting airtime. After having a one-on-one chat with Sam, Emily declares to the rest of the girls that he's looking for "fire, not friendship." Heather, who prior to this scene we learnt is feeling insecure in her sexiness around the rest of the girls, has enough of this topic and walks out of the room. It actually works in her favour though, with Sam catching her out on the balcony & whisking her away for a private conversation. Much to the consternation of the Bitchface Twins, Emily & Jasmin.
"WHY. IS. SHE. STILL. HERE. Pass the Doritos."
Cocktail hour! And once again, the Heather-Emily conflict is getting airtime. After having a one-on-one chat with Sam, Emily declares to the rest of the girls that he's looking for "fire, not friendship." Heather, who prior to this scene we learnt is feeling insecure in her sexiness around the rest of the girls, has enough of this topic and walks out of the room. It actually works in her favour though, with Sam catching her out on the balcony & whisking her away for a private conversation. Much to the consternation of the Bitchface Twins, Emily & Jasmin.
Oh, by the way, who is this rando creeping up on Emily & Sam's chat? Somewhere, a PA is getting their arse kicked for wandering into shot.
THE ILLUSION HAS BEEN SHATTERED.
Rose ceremony time! And in the end, we're left with Rachel and Shitstorm. In a SHOCK ENDING THAT NO ONE SAW COMING, Sandra is out of here. She does manage to call herself a "group date groupie" one last time though...so there's that.
NEXT TIME: Sammy Boy takes 3 ladies on a "Groundhog Date" that appears to blow up in his pretty little face when one decides to tell her story walking.
The Bachelor Australia airs Wednesday & Thursday nights at 7:30pm on Channel Ten. Missed an episode? Catch up here:
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
No comments:
Post a Comment