"I'm having such a great time getting to know everyone, but there's still ten girls in the mansion and there's just not enough time, so I'm going to shake things up a bit: I've planned a date that's going to be fun, there's going to be laughter and most importantly, I'm going to see how the girls handle situations when things don't quite go to plan." ...Aaaand this right here was our first clue that shit was going down this episode. But first - biceps!
Over at Bach Manor and the ladies are lounging around in their PJ's (oh, and full faces of makeup, because who isn't camera ready at bedtime?) when - surprise surprise! - Osher appears out of a shadowy corridor to present the girls with the coveted golden envelope. Good thing we just happened to be perfectly made up for this moment, Osh! What great timing you have!
I always rock a smoky eye at bedtime. Standard.
The lucky lady is Ebru, who will be "throwing caution to the wind" on a single date with Sam. And what a single date it will be! Cut to Sam: "Today I'm doing things totally differently - I'm calling it the Groundhog Date! I'm taking three girls on exactly the same date, but things are not going to go quite to plan, it's gonna be a lot of fun and we'll see how the girls will handle it when the chips are down." HOW ROMANTIC.
Nah, sorry, this made me really angry. So you're saying that, rather than taking girls on solo dates that have been planned just for them - like EVERY OTHER SINGLE DATE so far - you're taking three girls on the exact same generic outing. On top of that, you're also setting them up with scenarios designed to put them out of their comfort zones, not because you want to share in the experience with them, like if you were to go skydiving, but because you want to test them. You're basically conducting scientific experiments on three unsuspecting women. Nice.
As Ebru & Sam depart on their date, Ebru blissfully unaware that her every move will be judged against two other women, they barely make it around the corner before their limo driver informs them of a flat tyre. I wonder: is there some sort of trick tyre they're using for this? Or do these girls not know what a flat tyre looks like? Anyway, Ebru helps Sam change the tyre like a champion - EVEN THOUGH IF SHE DECLINED THE OFFER TO HELP YOU CHANGE IT THERE WOULD BE NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT SHE'S IN A SKINTIGHT DRESS AND HEELS YOU JERK.
Back at Bach Manor and Bec wanders into the lounge with a golden envelope tucked under her arm. As Ebru is out on a single date, the assumption is that it will be a group date. PSYCH LADIES. As we know, it's another single date, with the cryptic clue: "Land and sea, you and me." Straight away, Jacinda announces that she gets terrible seasickness and hopes that it's not her. Which of course means that it's Jacinda on the invite.
This is the face you make when having to contemplate vomiting on a date.
We then see Jacinda hop into the limo - in case you were questioning the timeline, this date took place the morning after Ebru's, who didn't return to the mansion that evening - and, of course, they only make it a few metres before the "flat tyre" occurs. Lucky for poor dainty Sam, she's more than willing to help - we don't call her Awesome Jacinda for nothing! ALTHOUGH SHE WOULD BE AWESOME EITHER WAY BECAUSE SHE IS NOT OBLIGATED TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS FARCE LOOK HOW IMPRACTICAL HER OUTFIT IS.
"A bit too boob-y" - Jacinda
JUST LOOK HOW HAPPY!
After the girls have all completed Level One: Feeling Deflated to Sam's satisfaction, they move onto the next phase of the date: Jetboating. The basic idea seems to be: if I take these beautifully made-up ladies, who have no doubt spent hours preparing for this time with me, and drench them in seawater, will they snap? Alas, all three girls take it in their stride and enjoy the ride. Level Two: Drowned Rat: ACHIEVED. You may proceed.
We then arrive at the restaurant for a "romantic" lunch and Level Three: Full Service. The waitress is, unbeknownst to the girls of course, an actress who has been hired to flirt mercilessly with Sam and generally undermine his companions. This includes referring to Ebru as Elbow and mopping up spilt water in Sam's crotch. Ebru prickles, Bec giggles, and Awesome Jacinda just can't even.
I feel you babe.
Onto Level Four: Fear Factor. No simple chicken or steak for these ladies, oh no. What purpose would that serve when you're trying to provoke a reaction, right? So they enjoy a lunch of fried crickets - Mexican style! - and "Poultry Three Ways" - chicken feet, duck tongue and duck chin. MMM. Delicious. Funnily enough, Sam seems to handle it worse than the girls do. Suck it, Sammy Boy.
"HA, you brought this upon yourself!"
Back at Bach Manor, the rest of the girls are seriously starting to worry about the Groundhog Three, as none of them have yet returned. All of a sudden - excellent timing, as always - Bec walks in and starts to recount the tale of The Strangest Date Of All Time. As she tells of changing a flat tyre in her mini and heels, we are treated to one of Emily's winning expressions...a look that seems to say, "Thank GOD I missed out on this one."
"CHANGING A TYRE?! No thank you."
If hearing Bec's story wasn't strange enough, just as she finishes, Jacinda waltzes in. She manages to get one sentence out before the rest of the group realises that they have been on the same date. That, or as Sarah seems to believe, they have conspired to spin a story. Cin quickly puts that theory to bed, as her & Bec compare their experience and realise that they have been conned. Just as the tears start to flow and people begin to wonder whether Ebru might have walked out on her disaster date, she finally returns, blissfully unaware that her date was a joke. Ebs only has to say a few words before she is cut off by laughter and discovers what has transpired. Ugh, these poor women. I'm totally #TeamGroundhogThree here. Man, these producers are dicks (because let's be honest, Sam really had no part in the creation of this date.) HOW DARE YOU MAKE AWESOME JACINDA CRY.
HOW DARE YOU, SAM. HOW VERY DARE YOU.
What really grinds my gears though, is seeing how unsympathetic the other women seem to be towards the three. They seem baffled as to why they would be upset, to which I say: Can you not imagine how humiliating this would be?!? I was dying a little on the inside as I watched. This attitude is even more irritating when it's coming from those who have already enjoyed real dates with Sam, like Sarah or Snez. Just in case you hadn't heard: A normal single date is said to last around 12 hours. According to Jacinda, she, Ebru, & Bec were only given 2 hours with Sam. Putting aside all the bullshit they were subjected to, I am sure they would have already been feeling upset that for some reason, they weren't deserving of the same amount of time as the others. And then to realise that they'd been put through a circus to see if they'd snap...well, as Ebru says: "Everything that happened, everything that we went through...Was it real?" Exactly. When everyone but you is in on the joke, how can you be certain what was genuine and what was part of the act?
Cocktail hour! And it's a very different energy at this cocktail party than normal. Sam enters the room and remarks that it's "not as warm a welcome as I'm used to receiving." O RLY? I wonder why that is. Poor Bec here can't even bring herself to look at him. GIVE HIM HELL, BEC.
Sam pulls Bec outside for a chat, where she lets him know how terrifying it was for her to receive the date invitation, since she knew something was up after Ebru & Jacinda had not returned. She also lets him know that she's quite guarded with her emotions because she trusts too easily and has been hurt in the past. WAY TO GO, SAM, JUST PROVING TO BEC ONCE AGAIN THAT MEN ARE DICKS. Sam is doing some hardcore damage control, assuring Bec that the fun on their date was real...but makes no apology for the fact that the date was set up to TEST THEM. But damnit, Bec falls for it. MAKE HIM APOLOGISE.
Next up is Ebru - maybe she'll bust his balls? Once again, he assures Ebru that he genuinely enjoyed their time together. He also adds that he wishes he could take all three on single dates, but the reality of the situation is that there is such limited time that it wasn't possible. Hmm..STILLL DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY THEY HAD TO BE THE EXACT SAME DATES, SAM. Damn, Ebru lets him off as well. WHY WON'T ANYONE TELL HIM JUST HOW SHITTY IT WAS?
Finally, it's Jacinda's turn. Will she be the one to see through his shit?
YES YES YES I KNEW I WAS CALLING YOU AWESOME JACINDA FOR A REASON. When he asks if she's OK, she responds "No. No I'm not." This absolute BOSS of a woman then proceeds to wave off Sam's explanation that he "needed to spend time with them" and tells him "it's so simple. I want someone to recognise me from the start, and I want someone to give me the best date ever, because I deserve it." YES YES YES ALL HAIL QUEEN JACINDA.
Of course, Sam now admits that he doesn't know if he sees anything more than friendship between them, so Jacinda heads home, sparing her the unnecessary cruelty of a rose ceremony. BOOOO SHE WAS THE BEST. Actually, never mind. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
"You were the only girl to stand up to me...which means you have to go."
NEXT TIME: Emily finally receives a single date and Sam puts the "ho" in hoedown* when he kisses a girl on a group date.
The Bachelor Australia airs Wednesday & Thursday nights from 7:30pm on Channel Ten. Missed an episode? Catch up here:
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
* Hoping that you guys realise that I am not seriously calling anyone a ho. I just couldn't resist making the joke.
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