"I'm looking for a woman that I can share everything with, have a family with and make as happy as she makes me. Someone that I'm head over heels in love with and there's no uncertainty. I'm not here to settle, I'm here to be doing backflips for the rest of my life." Oh Sam, you're saying all the right things. CALL ME NAIVE, CALL ME GULLIBLE, CALL ME STUPID I DON'T CARE, I JUST LOVE LOVE, ALRIGHT?
At Bach Manor, this totally not staged, completely natural little powwow is happening. Because that's what you do when you're sharing a mansion with 13 other women. You all cram into one little lounge together. COMPLETELY NATURAL.
Aren't we all just SO comfortable?
Osher then strolls in to deliver today's date card. Except - SHOCK TWIST - there is no date card today! Osher explains that Sam like a "decisive woman," so - in another BACHELOR WORLD FIRST - they need to decide amongst themselves which lady gets to go on the date.
Midway through the great date debate, Sarah had this to say: "Single dates are just really important to try and get your message across of who you want to be." Now maybe it's just me, but I found this to be quite telling...Your "message" of "who you want to be" ??? How about this instead: "Single dates are really important for you to try and get to know the guy, and for him to get to know you." BECAUSE THAT'S ALL IT NEEDS TO BE. This isn't a pitch. You're not selling a brand. YOU'RE ON A DATE. /endrant.
Anyway, luckily for us someone in that house is real: "I think that it's great that we get to vote! Here we are, sitting down waiting for Sam, "Aww, when's Sam gonna choose me?" but today we actually get to choose what's happening! It's like, the control is back in our hands!" Awesome Jacinda continues to be awesome.
#WhatWouldJacindaDo
So the big vote happens just like an election for school captaincy: you really don't want anyone to beat you, so you just vote for the person least likely. Obviously, a lot of the women had the same thought, as the result comes back tied between Shitstorm Sandra and Madeleine. No, no strategy at play AT ALL. When the girls cast their tiebreak votes, Mads comes out on top. She seems excited, despite earlier saying that she would prefer to be picked by Sam, rather than sent on a date by the girls. Take what you can get Madeleine, because, to quote Awesome Jacinda: "it's a war out there."
Madeleine meets Sammy Boy for a romantic "Notebook-esque" rowboat ride, followed by a picnic. Unfortunately, the weather isn't on their side, and this is where it all starts to fall apart for young Maddie...
"...Awesome."
Whilst poor Mads is out getting drenched, another gold envelope arrives at Bach Manor (and Bec just HAPPENS to find it when she randomly ventures upstairs WHAT AN AMAZING COINCIDENCE) inviting Snezana on a single date. I love that Jacinda's response is "Your daughter's going to be so excited!" Yay, Mummy's going on a date! With a guy who is also dating 13 other women! On TV! It's truly every little girls dream.
Back to the date: Maddie is obviously very keen to impress Sam, saying "because it was my first date with Sam, I didn't want to wet my hair or wet my makeup. You want to look good on a first date because you're trying to impress the person you're with..." Unfortunately, I guess she didn't factor in that a man eight years her senior might tire of comments like these...
"I shouldn't have bothered doing my hair today."
"Damn, I should have worn waterproof mascara."
"How's my mascara?"
"Yay, red wine! It'll stain my teeth."
"I don't want to eat in front of you. It's embarassing!"
...YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL SPECIMEN MADELEINE. Just drink the damn wine and be cool.
Back from her date, Madeleine fills the girls in and we're treated to this wonderful piece of exposition from Nina: "She was really happy, but you could also see that slight bit of disappointment because you could see that her hands were empty and she hadn't received a rose on her one on one date with Sam." OHHH, so THAT'S what was going on? Thanks Neens, couldn't have worked that out without you.
The next morning, Snezana heads out for her one on one with Sam before the sun is up. I'm assuming this date is taking place in Camden, famous for its balloon rides, vineyards and trashy pubs. Snez & Sam enjoy two out of three of the above on their date, spending the morning soaring over the pastures below, then enjoying a leisurely stroll through the vines. I have to say, Snezana looks SMOKING. This might be my favourite date outfit of all time. Particularly when she trades her heels for Hunters.
As they stroll through the vineyard, Snezana asks Sam how he feels about dating a single mother and he assures her that he loves kids so it's by no means a dealbreaker, it's just that he has to consider her more carefully than the other women to be fair to her and her daughter. This guy is SMOOTH. And speaking of smooth...
Sam's got the moves.
COCKTAIL HOUR! And since there was no group date this episode, the girls are being treated to a Roaring Twenties themed cocktail party, complete with flapper gowns, finger curls and feather headpieces. And gossiping, of course, because that never goes out of style...
Here, the ladies are FLUMMOXED when Sam steals Heather away for a chat, since "it's been three weeks in a row! WHAT IS GOING ON?!" With each episode, I become more and more interested to know what Heather is like behind the scenes. On screen, she comes across as a lovely, down to earth girl, who is just a bit less "girly" than the rest. I have several friends who carry themselves in the exact same manner, and they have attracted a wide variety of partners, from tradies to executives. So I don't understand the bewilderment from the other women, unless Heather happens to act completely different off camera. Which is always a possibility I suppose, especially when you take into account her acting background. Hmm. The plot thickens...
Meanwhile, blissfully unaware that their every move is currently being dissected by the thronging masses, Sam admits that giving Heather the white rose may have "blown up in my face" because he now feels unable to ask her out on a date until she asks him, likening it to giving a girl your number and then having to wait for her to call. He practically begs her to use the rose and then tells her "you're going to have to watch me take out girl after girl until you get your act together." I believe the gauntlet has been thrown down, dear Heather.
"GET THE HINT HEATHER AND TAKE ME ON A FREAKING DATE."
And speaking of desperate...oh, Shitstorm...cutting in on another girl rarely ends well, you should know that by now...No matter how many times you tell yourself that it's "working in your favour."
"...This is uncomfortable."
Rose ceremony time! Unsurprisingly, Heather receives a rose and unsurprisingly, Emily can't hide her displeasure...
In the end, Mascara Madeleine and Anal Glands Laura are left vying for the final rose. In an ending that was pretty much expected as soon as she came back from her date rose-less, Madeleine is the unlucky lady leaving us tonight.
"I'd cry, but...y'know...my mascara..."
NEXT TIME: Heather finally uses her super power, and someone gets their pash on with Sammy Boy at the cocktail party. SCANDALE.
The Bachelor Australia airs Wednesday & Thursday nights on Channel Ten from 7:30pm. Missed an episode? Catch up here:
Episode 1
Episode 2
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