mamamedia recaps :: The Season Premiere of The Bachelorette Australia

The Bachelorette: REDEMPTION EDITION begins!

After her heart was so publicly stomped on by Blake "LOVE RAT" Garvey, Sam Frost is back for Round Two. But this time, she's in the drivers seat. Yay for ladies having the power for once!

I wasn't particularly a fan of Sam's during the 2014 season - I was totally #TeamLaurina, you know I love me a drama queen - but I couldn't help but jump on the Samwagon after the aforementioned dumping. She handled it all like an absolute champion.

We start with a quick rundown of the Heartbreak of 2014, in which Sam appears to still be quite broken about the whole ordeal. I can't even imagine how difficult an experience that must have been for her to endure on the public stage. Unlike Bachelors prior, who I feel have the tendency to come across a bit like puppets reading from cue cards, Sam seems very genuine in front of the cameras, and there is a sense of fragility around her that is instantly endearing. TREAT HER RIGHT, GENTLEMEN.

This moment of honest vulnerability almost brought me to tears. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER SAM

As Osher welcomes us back to Bach Manor, we are introduced to a few of the lucky lads who will be vying for Sam's heart: Richie, a rope access technician (read: professional abseiler) who wants to find "someone that wants to grab life by the coattails" which is only the first of the butchered idioms that will appear in tonight's episode. Sigh. You don't grab coattails dude, you ride them.

Next is Sasha, a senior project engineer who is looking for love. He's also a mama's boy: Cha-CHING. In my experience, boys who love their mums treat their women right. If a guy doesn't get along with his mother, RUN. "I've got cars, I've got a successful career, but I'd trade that all in in a second to find that one special person and start a family." Double cha-CHING right here. Sash, you're ticking boxes dude.

We then meet Michael, a professional soccer player who has represented Australia in the Socceroos and at the Olympics. Ooh, professional athlete...they do have a reputation. For some reason, we're then treated to a slo-mo shower scene. Alrighty then.

Relevant.

Davey, a carpenter from the Northern Beaches, says that when people first meet him they think he's annoying. Good to know, considering you're heading into a cocktail party that completely relies on that first impression.

Speaking of, it's cocktail hour! Osher & Sam have a lovely moment where it's clear that he genuinely hopes she finds someone on this journey - you know that he was totally #TeamSam. I like to think these two have had some epic bitch sessions about Blake behind closed doors.

The men are starting to arrive: First up is Dave, a plumber from Sydney who seems to be a lovely - if nervous - guy. Alex is a 35 year old financial consultant. And English. I do love me a suave Brit. Plus, he's a sexy bald guy. I've got a thing for sexy bald guys. He also thought to bring Sam a pair of flats for when her feet start to hurt. Oh, nice one! What a gentleman.

This man knows how to put a suit together. Just look at that colour & pattern combo!

Young Davey is up next, who calls the experience "nerve-breaking." Dude, it's "nerve-racking." Sigh. He then tells Sam he's not used to wearing a suit and that he feels like he could get nipple rash. Oh god. I do like that Sam offers her own running commentary as the guys leave, assumedly directed towards a producer standing to the side.

We then meet Hansel David, who confirms that yes, the rumours are true, he IS an international model. But guys! He's more than just a pretty face! I mean, he uses the word "conflictuous!" Yep. Another red flag: He talks about "playing the game" rather than finding love. GET HIM OUTTA THERE SAM YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR GAMES.

Smug smarminess: SO HOT FOR FALL.

Mr Frontrunner finally arrives, and can I just say - I LOVE SASHA SO MUCH ALREADY GUYS. I tell you, if I weren't married...and if he weren't possibly shacking up with Sam right now...yeah, he's totally my type. He makes Sam a serviette rose, and Sam gets all tongue-tied and giggly. After he makes to leave, she pulls him back - GOOD SIGN SASH. When he eventually leaves, she whispers "Now we're talking." I love these two so much already. I swear, if Ten is setting me up for another Heather-sized disappointment, I will drive to Hunters Hill and burn the Manor down I will be most displeased.

I love that every guy receives the same send off from Sam: "Go inside, have a drink and relax!" Read: GO GET LIQUORED UP AND PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN.

I won't go through the rest of the batch in detail, because none of them are particularly that exciting...but I do have to draw attention to Will here, who...yeah, he's a special one. But he seems to make a good impression, with Sam saying "I love Will! He just seems like an absolute sweetheart."

Inside the Manor, the boys all start sizing each other up. Since everything sounds better with an English accent, let's listen to Suave Alex introduce us to the Three D's: "So there's three Daves, right? There's Dave: he's got a way with words which only an Australian can transmit. [CUT TO DAVE: "Just think of your best mate trying to get to know a broad, then like, you go over and snatch her, mate you'd be devo."] There's Davey, he's a gregarious fellow, let's put it that way. And then there's David. He's the supermodel, who knows what's going on inside his head [CUT TO DAVID: "Sometimes I feel like I think too much...but I don't."]...he seems to love moisturising products..." A beautifully succint summary of 3D.

Sam then enters and becomes genuinely emotional when thanking the gents and talking about last year's experience with He Who Shall Not Be Named. I'm really loving how natural she's coming across, like I said earlier, Blake & Sam often seemed semi-scripted.

The boys decide to set some ground rules: The Bro Code. Namely, no bro is to interrupt another bro's one-on-one time with Sam. Alex summarises the Code as "it's about not cutting anyone's lunch" and, OK, I know that the idiom is "cut another guy's grass" but I do love the image of a bloke lovingly slicing his mate's sandwich.

Of course, when Sam pulls Dave away for a chat, David immediately starts plotting when he'll cut in. There's one in every bunch, isn't there. The other guys tell him he can't - WHAT ABOUT THE CODE! - so David calls them a bunch of pussies and says that "someone's gonna have to start playing the game." WHAT A LOVELY GUY HE IS. And also, IT'S NOT A GAME, IT'S HER LIFE. Seriously, guys, stop talking about "the game!!!"

After David lurks in the shadows for a sufficient amount of time, he gets time with Sam to prove that he's more than just a model. How does he do this exactly? Well...he basically talks about being a model. Oh, and that he was born in Poland, so the lucky, lucky lady who becomes Mrs Hansel will receive a European passport. And doesn't Sam just seem SUPER IMPRESSED with that little carrot he's dangling?

"I know the producers will want me to keep you around but UGH I JUST WANT TO PUNCH YOU RIGHT IN YOUR SMARMY LITTLE FACE."

Meanwhile, we have a bit of a Crazy Eyes situation developing here: young Davey is mildly panicked about the first impression he made on Sam and is desperate to rectify it (anyone getting flashbacks to Anal Glands Laura here?) When he finally sits down with Sam and she asks why he's here, he mentions that he's "always had bad relationships"...a throwaway comment that Sam immediately jumps on, because she's no fool. As he rattles off his numerous girlfriends, she mentions that it's "concerning" that he seems to go through girlfriends, and that rather than coming across as a "relationship guy" he appears to be a "ladies man." Oh, but it gets better: when asked to tell her his pickup line, Davey replies: "Smile if I can kiss you!" Yeahhhh....nope.



YAY WE'RE BACK TO SASHA! Because I'm a total stalker, I've done a bit of digging on Mr Sash here, and found that he shares a ridiculous amount of similar characteristics with my darling B: mama's boy, rugby player, German heritage, F1 fan, to name a few...so now I guess it all makes sense why he's so attractive to me. (And that is my way of saving my arse just in case dear husband happens to read this. Hi honey! Love you!)

Anyway, Sam continues to stumble over her words in Sasha's presence, but not in an uncomfortable way, in a really adorable, first date kind of way. She's obviously feeling the connection, because once again she stops him from leaving early, before hopping up to grab the first rose of the evening. YAY! #TEAMSHASAM! (...see what I did there? Like SHAZAM, but with Sha and Sam instead? Hey? Hey?)

Rose (boutonnière) ceremony time! I get why the guys are given boutonnières and not long stemmed roses...but gosh do the tiny blossoms look awkward in Sam's hands.

Hansel David continues to be ridiculous: "If you were to compare this to my work in the big, bad fashion world, me versus 13 guys...that's actually relatively easy for me." Umm, what exactly is he comparing here?!? He then declares that he's confident, but not putting himself on a pedestal. Surrrre you're not. Oh, Hansel. Never change.

In the end, Crazy Eyes Davey is in the final three with Shane, who rode in on a skateboard, and Luke, who...I can't remember much of at all, to be honest with you. Davey receives the final rose and, I have to say, these unlucky lads handle it beautifully, both seeming genuinely hopeful that Sam finds love. Aww. Kudos, gentlemen!

NEXT TIME: Never mind what happens in the rest of the episode, because at the cocktail party Sam goes in HARD when Hansel disrespects her and/or the man she's chatting to. BOW DOWN.

The Bachelorette Australia airs Wednesday and Thursday nights from 7:30pm on Channel Ten.

A (maybe) Final Word on The Bachelor 2015...

Hello lovelies.

As we all know by now, Bachelor Sam has chosen Snezana Markoski to be his one and only. By all accounts they are madly in love with each other, and I wish them nothing but the best for their future together.



I've been tossing up whether or not to continue catching up with the last couple of episode recaps; a combination of internet shenanigans (in short: Telstra, your wifi SUCKS RIGHT NOW) and illness at Mamamedia Manor meant I fell way behind in posting.

On top of that, as we know, the lovely Heather was eliminated and, well, it just wasn't fun anymore. I lost all investment in the outcome once HBomb was no longer in the running. Of course, I saw it through to the end, but my heart just wasn't in it the same. And trying to re-watch those old episodes, it's incredibly hard to fake excitement for the Sam-Heather partnership when I know that it ends in heartbreak.

Of course, we also have The Bachelorette starring the lovely Sam Frost premiering this week, so I have a new love story to recap, new characters to fall in love with, and new theoretical romances to get ridiculously invested in (DAMN YOU SAM HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO HEATHER ETC.)   

The Bachelorette Australia airs Wednesday and Thursday nights from 7:30pm on Channel Ten.

mamamedia predicts :: The 2015 Emmy Awards

EXPERT PREDICTIONS.

OUTSTANDING DRAMA SERIES

Better Call Saul
Downton Abbey
Game of Thrones
Homeland
House of Cards
Mad Men
Orange Is The New Black

mama's pick :: Hmm. I have no idea how this will turn out. Will BCS continue Breaking Bad's streak? Will the voters be able to ignore the juggernaut that is GOT? Will Mad Men return to the award glory days of 2009-2011? I JUST DON'T KNOW.

OUTSTANDING COMEDY SERIES

Louie
Modern Family
Parks and Recreation
Silicon Valley
Transparent
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
Veep

mama's pick :: I would put money on Transparent taking this category, as they did at the Golden Globes earlier this year.

LEAD ACTOR - DRAMA

Bob Odenkirk - Better Call Saul
Kyle Chandler - Bloodline
Kevin Spacey - House of Cards
Jon Hamm - Mad Men
Jeff Daniels - The Newsroom
Liev Schreiber - Ray Donovan

mama's pick :: #TEAMHAMM ALL THE WAY. Come on guys, this is getting into Lucci territory. Jon has been nominated for Best Lead every year since 2008, throw the Hamm a bone already.

LEAD ACTRESS - DRAMA

Taraji P. Henson - Empire
Claire Danes - Homeland
Viola Davis - How to Get Away with Murder
Tatiana Maslany - Orphan Black
Elisabeth Moss - Mad Men
Robin Wright - House of Cards

mama's pick :: Taraji is majestic in Empire, in my opinion, she is the only enjoyable part of the show. Viola is great as well; HTGAWM is not always the strongest material, but Davis always sells it. That woman has some serious chops.

LEAD ACTOR - COMEDY

Anthony Anderson - black-ish
Matt LeBlanc - Episodes
Don Cheadle - House of Lies
Will Forte - The Last Man On Earth
Louis C.K - Louie
William H. Macy - Shameless
Jeffrey Tambor - Transparent

mama's pick :: I do have a lot of residual Tribbiani love left for Matt LeBlanc, but I think Tambor will take this one out.

LEAD ACTRESS - COMEDY

Lisa Kudrow - The Comeback
Lily Tomlin - Grace and Frankie
Amy Schumer - Inside Amy Schumer
Edie Falco - Nurse Jackie
Amy Poehler - Parks and Recreation
Julia Louis-Dreyfus - Veep

mama's pick :: #TEAMAMY. Either one, really.

SUPPORTING ACTOR - DRAMA

Jonathan Banks - Better Call Saul
Ben Mendelsohn - Bloodline
Jim Carter - Downton Abbey
Peter Dinklage - Game of Thrones
Alan Cumming - The Good Wife
Michael Kelly - House of Cards

mama's pick :: How could you go past Tyrion??

SUPPORTING ACTRESS - DRAMA

Joanne Froggatt - Downton Abbey
Lena Headey - Game of Thrones
Emilia Clarke - Game of Thrones
Christine Baranski - The Good Wife
Christina Hendricks - Mad Men
Uzo Aduba - Orange Is The New Black

mama's pick :: Damnit, now I've got that damn Regina Spektor song stuck in my head..."Youuu'vvvvve...gooootttt....tiiiiiii-iiiiiiii-IIIIIIMEEEEE...." So, yes, I like Uzo.

SUPPORTING ACTOR - COMEDY

Andre Braugher - Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Adam Driver - Girls
Keegan-Michael Key - Key & Peele
Ty Burrell - Modern Family
Tituss Burgess - Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
Tony Hale - Veep

mama's pick :: #TEAMANDRE ALL THE WAY THAT'S HOW WE ROLL IN THE NINE-NINE. Ahem. Yes.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS - COMEDY

Mayim Bialik - The Big Bang Theory
Niecy Nash - Getting On
Julie Bowen - Modern Family
Allison Janney - Mom
Kate McKinnon - Saturday Night Live
Gaby Hoffmann - Transparent
Jane Krakowski - Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
Anna Chlumsky - Veep

mama's pick :: "Listen up fives, a ten is talking!" I miss 30 Rock. Much like LeBlanc, I've got a lot of residual love for Jane/Jenna Maroney.

So, who's your pick? What have you loved/hated this year? Are you as excited as I am to see Andy Samberg host? Did I tell you Stephanie Beatriz retweeted me once & I almost died from excitement? HANDS UP, FELLOW NINE-NINE FANS!

Hey, fellow Aussies! The Emmy Awards are being televised live from 9:00am Monday morning on FOX8.

IGGLE PIGGLE, YOU'RE DEAD TO ME.

It's late. There is officially nothing on TV.

You decide it's finally time to drag your tired bones up the stairs to bed, so you turn off the TV, shut down the laptop. Brush your teeth in the powder room downstairs - God forbid a running faucet should wake up Liv at this ungodly hour. 

You creep up the stairs, praying that those dick cats of yours don't come sprinting up behind you.

You hear the sweet little sighs of a sleeping baby from behind the bedroom door and pat yourself on the back for not waking her up. Yet.

The door opens. You creep inside, making sure not to bang the jamb as you softly close it behind you. She doesn't stir. Another triumph!

You creep past the ensuite, keeping your knees relaxed, staying low, trying to almost glide across the carpet, lest the floorboards creak under your feet.

You're passing by the crib now. You're close enough to hear her inhale and exhale, to hear the air pass in and out of her adorable button nose. You wish you could lean over and kiss her chubby cheeks, but you know better than to poke a sleeping bear.

The bed is close, you've almost made it.

And then, you feel something under your right foot. Something soft yet solid. There is a slight "click" sound as your weight presses down. And then, and then...

THIS GUY.

"Yes, my name is Iggle Piggle, Iggle-Piggle-Wiggle-Niggle-Giggle..." This familiar Night Garden tune fills the room, as the walls are bathed in a blue glow. The mystery item underfoot is revealed to be Liv's Iggle Piggle lullaby doll...a doll that has been unceremoniously ditched overboard earlier in the night. You weren't to know.

"Why don't they put OFF buttons on this thing?" you silently cry as you throw yourself on the floor and desperately try to muffle the light and sound with your pillow. "And why is it so loud, and so bright? It's supposed to help them sleep, not rave!"

Seconds feel like hours, as you wait for the music to die out, for the lights to dim. "Come on, hurry up!"

 

And then. Silence. Darkness. Relief. Exhale.

And then.

WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

You hear the familiar thunk of tiny foot against wood. The sniff of a sudden inhale. The rustle of blankets. 

The cry of an indignant infant, awoken by a plush landmine laying in wait.

JUST LOOK AT THOSE EYES. NO REMORSE.

Iggle Piggle, you win this round.

mamamedia recaps :: Episode 10 of The Bachelor Australia

The newbies ruffle feathers and Heather goes on the sweetest date of all. HEATHER FOR THE WIN!

It's the morning after the night before, and the girls are trying to get to know New Girls Lana & Rachel. Their questions are harmless enough, but Rachel takes umbrage with the interrogation, retorting with "I mean, I've just met you, I need to get more comfortable and then I'll start telling you stuff." Fair enough, I s'pose.

Osher then enters with not one, but TWO golden envelopes. You can sense a bit of tension amongst the original girls when it becomes apparent that the new girls may be about to receive a single date each. The first envelope contains a single date invitation, hinting that "this could be the sweetest day of all." But sorry newbs, the lucky lady heading off for a sweet time is the lovely Heather. YESSS.

The assumption is that the second envelope contains a group invite, but instead, it reads thusly: "Everyone, Meet me in the garden now - Osher." Well, this is new. As the girls enter the garden, they find Sam waiting with Osh, who tells them that, rather than Sam organising the date like usual (...sure he does) this week's group date has been planned by Osher (...sure it is) and is designed to see if their attraction "goes beyond the visual." Intriguing...

The group - consisting of Sam, Ebru, Rachel, Nina, Snezana and Lana - arrives at the Pullman Quay Grand Hotel where they are instructed to don blindfolds. Well, this is taking a kinky turn. Oh, nope, they're just walking into a dark room. Yawn. Wake me when someone breaks out the ropes.

The aforementioned dark room contains a table laid out with a Chinese banquet for the group to enjoy...in the pitch darkness. Fun! Attempting to navigate a table loaded with platters of food and glasses of wine goes about as well as you can imagine...

That's a lap full of Chardonnay right there...

I have to say, my favourite part of the date was the mini-date that Nina & Snez appeared to be on. If I ever have to clumsily eat a meal in a darkened room, I want these two at my table.

Meanwhile, Sam & Lana are feeding each other. This is supposed to be cute, I guess, but I'm sitting here like, "get your own damn noodles!"

Nina weighs in on this new possible pair: "Lana was certainly extremely confident with Sam on this date...I think if it starts getting to the point where she's stepping on other people's toes it may cause a bit of an issue." ...Umm. How, exactly? I know you were there first Neens, but at the end of the day you have no greater claim over Sam than anyone else. The man is not property and you have not planted your flag on him.

Oh look, we have someone willing to step up as Eyeroll Queen in the wake of Emily's departure! Someone is not loving that their lunch is being served with a side of Shriek, courtesy of Ebru, Nina & Snez. "I don't really think that it's a turn-on for girls to be loud and obnoxious at the dinner table." Oooh. Good thing you're not having to date these girls then, hey Rach!

SAMTHER TIME! Oh, how I wish these two had names that fit together better...oh well. Can I just jump in by drawing your attention to how stunning this woman is?

Today's single date begins with the lovely Heather awaiting her prince on the side of a road. I wonder what she will be picked up in?

ICE CREAM TRUCK. YES.

But it's not just a joyride in a Mr Whippy van for dear Heather, oh no. They enter Miramare Gardens (sidenote: my friend had her wedding here, it's pretty gorgeous. There's a tip for you, any Sydneyside wedding-planning readers!) and Sam introduces Heather to her very own "Alice in Wonderland moment." I see what you're getting at Sammy Boy, but my mind goes to Wonka's garden before Wonderland. Also, OH MY GOD I CAN FEEL MY BLOOD SUGAR RISING JUST LOOKING AT THIS TABLE.

Seriously, just LOOK AT IT! Needless to say, Heather is impressed: "There's like twelve different kinds of dirt! TWELVE DIFFERENT KINDS OF DIRT IS MY FAVOURITE!"

And then there's this bit of cuteness: "Sam's the kind of guy that makes me feel like I deserve more...I promised myself that if I was going to do this, that I would be completely open and completely honest every step of the way and I can honestly say right now that from the word go, the day that I met Sam, I knew he was someone that I would be able to fall in love with."

"...I just said that. Just need a minute!"

After gorging themselves, Sam & Heather retreat to the lounge for a wine and Heather admits that he's the first guy she feels like she doesn't need to censor herself for. This seems to shock Sam a bit, but I get it - B's the only person who I've ever felt comfortable with seeing all my crazy. Heather then admits that Sam's the first man to make her feel like she's worth a lot of effort...and this makes me a bit sad. You're totally worth it dude! Sam seems to agree, as he gives her a rose. YAY!

Cocktail hour! And New Girl Rachel is still making waves amongst the group, after refusing to make any particular effort to make friends. She then makes this proclamation: "If you overstep your mark, I'll pull you up on it. Until that happens, I'll let you get away with it, but later on when you might need me, I might not be there." Unsure as to what she might be alluding to here, since this isn't a game of strategy where you can be of any benefit to a competitor, but anyway. You do you, Rach.

Heather then bounds into the room, ostensibly returning from her single date, saying "I can't tell if I was excited because I'd seen Sam, excited about seeing the girls again, or if I was on a massive sugar high...One of the three, but I was pumped about life."

Whether it was to get away from the new girls, or at the prompting of a producer, Ebru then tells Heather that she'd "love to get you in the other room to hear more details!" When the original girls all rise to leave, Heather extends the invite to Lana & Rachel, but they choose to take a walk on their own. Ooooh. Well, put yourself in their shoes, I'd probably do the same.

Rose ceremony time! And first to receive a rose is Lana, which just gives Nina another opportunity to complain about how unfair this is to the original girls. In the end, it comes down to Old VS New, as Ebru and Rachel are the last two standing. Sadly for the Turkish Delight, Rachel receives the final rose.
 

NEXT TIME: It's time for the Mum Test, as the girls help out on a kiddie training session. Plus, the MOST CONTROVERSIAL ROSE CEREMONY YET. Umm, I'm sorry, but nothing will top the Great Emily Walk Out of 2015.

The Bachelor Australia airs Wednesday & Thursday nights from 7:30pm on Channel Ten. Missed an episode? Catch up here:
Episode 1 - We meet all of the Bachelorettes at the first cocktail party; drama ensues
Episode 2 - Sarah's single date & photoshoot group date; drama ensues
Episode 3 - Maddie & Snezana's single dates
Episode 4 - Heather plays the White Rose, the girls hit the beach, & a cocktail party pash; drama ensues
Episode 5 - A world record breaking kiss, bubble soccer & Sandra at her Shitstorm best
Episode 6 - The Groundhog Date ROYALLY blows up in Sam's pretty little face. AND RIGHTLY SO.
Episode 7 - Emily's single date, and a sneaky pash on the group date
Episode 8 - Go-kart group date, Snez gets a 2nd single date, and EMILY V NINA heats up
Episode 9 - HURRICANE EMILY HITS BACH MANOR. OH YES DRAMA ENSUES

Spring has SPRUNG

I love Sydney in the spring. The trees turn green, the flowers are in bloom, the chill is out of the air.

I took Liv for a walk today with the Mr Rogers theme playing in my head..."It's a beautiful day in the neighbourhood, a beautiful day for a neighbour, would you be my, could you be my, won't you be my neighbour?" 

I love our neighbourhood: we're inner city, but you'd never know it by how quiet our streets are. During the day, there's always a mum out pushing her pram, or a grandparent trailing behind a toddler on his trike. I love taking Liv for breakfast at the cafe up the road, where the retirees enjoy tea and scones and old men in hats hold doors open for me and the Bugaboo. After the local school lets out, the footpaths are clogged with bikes & scooters as kids race home. As the weather warms up, they are more likely to be headed to the park to kick a ball around or fly on the swings.

Today as I walked past the playground, I couldn't help but giggle at the little boys who had dragged their backyard furniture down to the park to chill. And I'm not talking foldout chairs, oh no, they'd brought down the big heavy plastic set. Adorable. Ten points for industriousness, boys!

What a beautiful afternoon. The warm breeze rustled through the eucalypt trees, the scent of wattle hung in the air...as well as a blossom that vividly reminded me of my grandparent's garden...and also strawberry Hubba Bubba? Blue skies and chubby baby thighs.

Yeah. Life is good.

mamamedia recaps :: Episode 9 of The Bachelor Australia

THERE IS JUST TOO MUCH GOING ON IN THIS EPISODE OKAY GUYS THIS IS GONNA BE A LOOONG ONE.

We begin with the girls casually sitting around the kitchen - clearly this is just after the last rose ceremony and they've all had a costume change, as Heather's hair is the same. These poor girls must be EXHAUSTED. "Ugh, just let me go to bed already! I'm too tired to feign excitement about a freaking invitation."

But feign it they must! Osher soon enters with the aforementioned invitation, which cryptically states: "Let's blow it all sky high." Just in case you'd forgotten, Emily reminds us that she hates Nina, crying "it cant be Nina, for the life of me it just can't be freakin' Nina." Don't worry, this storyline will get A LOT of airtime tonight. Meanwhile, Heather is just excited at what the invite might be hinting at: "I'm thinking: rockets...

 

"...Monkeys..."

"...And a circus."

The lucky lady off to "blow it all" is Bec, who is probably thanking her lucky stars right now that she wore something under this dress:

After taking a quick chopper ride across the city, they land at their mystery location...gosh, if only there was some sort of way to tell where they are...

Poor Sam. Seriously, this poor guy is supposedly scared of heights, and he's been set up on dates where he's flown in a hot air balloon, climbed the harbour bridge, and now he's faux sky diving. Can't catch a break! Plus, just look at the man's hair!

Back at the Manor, Emily & Ebru are discussing Bec's chances of returning with a rose. Em says "I think he will rate her highly than some other people in the house, he will give Bec a rose, she'll be safe and someone else will go this week." When Ebru then mentions that she thinks Snez & Nina will be all over Bec for details upon her return, Emily just can't even:

"UGH."

Reiterating her hatred for two-faced people, Emily then says that "if Nina stays over anyone else in the house now...I don't know what's going through Sam's head." This is quickly followed up with: "I think the only way harmony will be brought back into the house is if she left. It's not a pleasant living situation right now, is it?" WHAT IS NINA DOING TO EMILY THE PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW.

Meanwhile, Sam & Bec are back on terra firma and have sat down with a deck of relationship cards to get to know each other a little better. The first question Sam asks? "What was your worst ever date?" A great question to ask coming off the back of the groundhog date fiasco! Poor Sammy Boy. The light-hearted conversation soon turns more serious, with Sam questioning the likelihood of their friendship ever turning to romance. Bec agrees, saying "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be." And, as Sam confirms, it just wasn't meant to be under these circumstances. And with that, she's off into the sunset.

Back at the manse, the girls are eagerly awaiting Bec's return with rose in hand. But instead, it's Sam that strolls into the lounge, shocking everyone with news of Bec's departure. Up until now, when on dates they've only had to worry about whether they will receive a rose or not, but as Nina explains, they now have to wonder if they'll be returning to the manse at all. The news hits some harder than others:

Poor Emily.

"I'm here to find a real woman to have a real relationship with, and to me that's not cocktail parties with fancy ballgowns and tuxedoes, it's more kicking around in your PJ's, having brekkie on a Sunday morning and just being comfortable in your own skin." And the best way to test how comfortable these girls will be is, of course, to ambush them with a surprise breakfast. As you can imagine, this goes down well, with Snezana shrieking "I WASN'T PREPARED!"

Oh, you're still stunning, just stop it.

Rolling with the punches far better is Heather: "The girls really seemed to freak out about the whole, 'Ahh, Bachie's coming in and we don't have any makeup on!' I was just like, I've got a butt flap man, just go with it."

 

The aforementioned butt flap.

ADORABLE. #TeamHeather

Someone who is decidedly not cool with this AT ALL is Em, who enters apologising for the remnants of last night's dye job all over her. She at least has time to throw on a "breakfast scarf" though, so there's something.

"Yeah, I'm not a morning person." O RLY?

Because I'm not particularly interested in the Sarah-Sam combo, I will blow thru their single date quickly: wine tasting at the Bach Pad, where she gets a rosé AND a rose, ending in a pash. Yep. 'Twas about as interesting as it sounds.
 

Yeah, yeah, get back to the good stuff.

Cocktail hour! And Emily is in fine form tonight, listing the reasons why she thinks half the girls shouldn't still be around: "It shocks me to my very core who is left. Heather, I don't understand it at all...Snez, don't see with Sam, mostly for the fact that she's got a daughter...Nina I thought would go in the first 1-2 weeks." Not pulling any punches, eh Em?

EVERYBODY SUCKS BUT ME: The Emily Simms Story

Suddenly, Osher enters...which is strange, seeing as how he is not normally present at the cocktail parties. I like to think he's hiding in the kitchen with the crew, knocking back a scotch or three. I mean, if you had to be around all this drama, wouldn't you? Anyway, he hasn't pulled Sam aside for a sneaky Glenfiddich, but to announce the imminent arrival of two new ladies. Oh Gunsberg, you cheeky devil, you.

"HEH HEH HEH"

There is no time for Sam to prepare himself though, as New Girl #1 saunters in in a blur of black sequins and kohl eyeliner. Lana is 27, works in corporate communications, plays golf, practices yoga and is here for "an opportunity at love." She seems very sweet, I must admit when I first saw her press photo, I thought she'd be much more of a tough talker. The eyeliner threw me, I think. Anyway, Sam is lovely as always, and after a pleasant chat he sends her off to the lions den. As she crosses the lawn, Nina spots her and yelps "OHMYGAWD OHMYGAWD OHMYGAWD IT'S INTRUDERS GUYS IT'S INTRUDERS." Because, apparently, we're on Big Brother now?

Any guesses as to what Emily was uttering here? Anyone?

"It doesn't bother me that there's intruders. Whatever..." Hey Em! This statement would have been more convincing if you hadn't followed it up with this face...

Poor Lana entered to a warm welcome from Heather and Snezana, and then 20 questions from everyone else. Including a NOT AT ALL SUBTLE sizing up from Sarah and Ebs:

(This isn't just a conveniently timed screen grab, by the way. They literally looked her up and down.)

As Heather astutely observes, "where there's one, there will be more" a glowing white orb appears over the Manor hedges as we meet New Girl #2. Rachel is 29 and a food blogger from Brisbane - who can't cook! Isn't she adorable! (Ugh.) Her & Sam have a polite conversation about their pets and Sam questions how much she actually loves her food. Nice one, Sammy Boy! Rachel then trots off to meet the rest of the ladies, who shriek "A BLONDE! Sarah, there's another blonde!!" Ebru voices her concerns about the new ladies, saying "You're thinking, OK there's two new girls competing for Sam's affections, and now they're going to live with us in this house, in our house! Like, it's literally our house, eating our food." Sigh. Too many of these women have a very shaky understanding of what the word "literally" means. Literally.

As Sam gets to know a bit more about the new girls, Emily, Sarah, Ebru & Heather discuss the likelihood of Sam forming a connection. After Heather states that she "100%" believes that the newbies are in with a shot, Em counters with "Well, I'm gonna say no, because I think intruders are bullshit, and B: not necessary, and C: not enough time." Yeah. It was at this point in the evening that I realised Emily had probably had a few too many champagnes. She soon follows up with "I'm gonna put it out there, I'm just gonna be honest...I think Nina is gonna go. I don't see them together. I think he needs someone who's more...ladylike. I just think she's too rough for him." The producers then brilliantly contrast Em's declaration with this:

SO CRASS NINA.

Oh God, this episode will never end.

Sam then pulls Emily away from her blanket buddies for a one on one. After she confirms that the new gals don't threaten her, as she "doesn't want someone who doesn't want me wholeheartedly" (a good policy Em! I support this 100% - don't settle babes!) she then asks Sam to explain how he views her. Well. This was never going to end well. After calling her a slow burner, to which she makes this face...

"...what?"

 

...he explains that their relationship has ebbed and flowed and has taken a while to get going...

 

"...wait, WHAT?" 

 

...and lets Em know that she's not the "goof" she thinks she is. He then drops the bomb that she's a bit more "glitz and glamour" than the girls that he would normally go for. WORLD SHATTERED.

 

For some reason, she then thinks it's a wise decision to let Sam in on how much Nina makes her want to "lose my shit." Nice. After Sam once again expresses doubts about their compatibility, Emily is "baffled" and then retorts with "you either like me as I am or you don't." This is definitely how you go about winning him over.

Time for the roses! And once again, Emily is digging at Nina: "I just don't see anything between Nina and Sam. I just don't think that he'd be attracted to her. She's too rough for him!" As per usual, Heather receives a rose, along with an eyeroll and a catty comment from Emily: "I'm wondering what the hell's going through his head, and why is he still choosing people that I just can't see him with." Because obviously, Emily knows what's best.

In the end, it comes down to Emily and Nina. A FINAL FACE OFF. Well, Emily's not prepared to go down like this...

...so she walks.

 

...and not just out the door, but out of contention for Sam's heart, as Heather explains that Sam is not the kind of guy who will chase you. I actually love that he didn't follow her. You know Blake would have chased.

"SIMMS OUT, BITCHES"

Not even the cameras follow, she just disappears around the corner, never to be seen again. At least Ebru appears to be a ride or die kind of friend, and after checking with Sam that it's cool, runs after Emily.

After that little bit of drama, Sam regroups and presents "the rose that was always meant for you" to Nina and the other girls rejoice. Well...most of them...

One of these things is not like the others...

 

Oh wait, we do get one last look at Emily as she departs the manse. She seems to have passed through the "belligerent drunk" stage, and is hitting "weepy," explaining how sick it makes her feel...that she's leaving before Nina. A fierce competitor to the very end.

Farewell Emily, we'll never forget you. BITCHFACE 4EVAAA.

NEXT TIME: The Bachelor turns Dating In The Dark, and the new girls continue to make waves.

The Bachelor Australia airs Wednesday and Thursday nights from 7:30pm on Channel Ten. Missed an episode? Catch up here:
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6
Episode 7
Episode 8