mamamedia recaps :: Episode 7 of The Bachelor Australia

Someone kisses, but will they tell?

We open to the remaining 8 bachelorettes sitting ever so casually around the lounge, lamenting the departure of Awesome Jacinda. You & me both ladies. You & me both.

No time for sadness though, as Osher strolls in with the coveted golden envelope, which he assures the girls does not contain any funny business like last episode. Ebru seems doubtful, Emily...well, Emily seems more interested in her tea, which I can absolutely respect (she types, as she picks up her teacup...)

All the girls seem pretty adamant that it will be Emily who will be "treasuring time together" with Sam...and they're spot on. After she fails to react as effusively as some of the other girls would have expected, they begin to question whether she's actually that excited about her time with Sam. I can't really judge her here though, because if it were me, I'd probably have this very expression on my face whilst thinking "Oh God. I hope we're not skydiving. Wait, did the invite say treasure? That probably won't mean skydiving, right? What am I going to wear? Is that food in my teeth? Holy crap this is a good cup of tea."

 

As Emily sails off to meet her possible prince, she tells us "I'm here to have a great experience today. I've been single now for about six months or so, I'm not overly happy about it. I think that I can be a bit of a princess sometimes and I think it's more that I'm high maintenance within myself." Nothing wrong with having high standards girls! It might not be for every guy, sure, but to hell with them! There are some men that enjoy, in the words of Chandler Bing, "maintaining you."

Back at the Manor, Heather & Nina wonder how Emily's date will go. After they guess that it will involve a treasure hunt, Nina snarks "I don't know how she'd go actually having to do the shovelling. I think she'd be more than happy to supervise." Well. Me-ow. Nina then infoms us that the side of Emily they see in the house is one that is very princess-like and particular, to which I say...don't worry Neens, she's not exactly hiding it in front of the cameras.

Back to the beach, and the date does indeed involve a treasure hunt that requires Emily to jump on a paddle board to find a clue. Here I am, hoping for some elaborate Survivor-esque adventure, with diving and climbing...nope, just paddle over to that buoy and yank on the rope to pull up the clue, then look in some rocks, then back to the beach. Oh look, there's a GIANT X on the sand. You're done! After digging up a chest, Emily discovers her treasure is a $10,000 tennis bracelet...not bad for a day's work! Oops, I mean, what a touching gesture!

"Did you get a nice clear shot of the sponsor? Yes? So I can stop holding this box in such a contrived manner? Sweet."

We cut back to Bach Manor to see Snez reveal a golden envelope inviting the ladies on a group date where, for the first time this season, all seven remaining girls will be going on the group date, meaning poor Emily will be rattling around the manse on her lonesome for the day. According to the invite they will be "living the simple life," which raises some red flags amongst some of the ladies. Apparently, Jasmin doesn't like "animals touching her, or dirt, or smell, or not being able to wear heels" so she's obviously going to L-O-V-E this date if it happens to be anywhere rural. Jasmin confirms this, saying "I don't really like to go and milk cows, or round up sheep, or pick up poo..." Can I just say: Jasmin, sweetie, you won't be picking up poo. It's a farm, not a litter box.

Returning to the beach, and Sam & Em are getting down to some real talk. Emily confesses that she always thought she'd be married by 28 with a baby by 30, saying "I didn't comprehend that that couldn't happen." Both Sam and Emily seem to be the lone singles amongst their groups of married friends with babies, and as they talk and laugh, all I can think is that it's really nice to see some real sense of vulnerability from Emily.

P.S. Hey Emily: You should do the messy hair thing more often. It totally works.

Group date time! The girls jump in the Nissans, with their INBUILT GPS and their GIANT SUNROOFS and their BLATANT PRODUCT PLACEMENT, to head off to the Australiana Pioneer Village in Wilberforce. Once there, they meet up with Sam and Osher, who informs them that, as Sam's a bit of a country boy at heart, they'll be experiencing simpler pleasures, enjoying some fun & games - including farm chores! - and ending with a barn dance in the shearing shed. How cute.

Their first exciting activity is apple bobbing. I'm surprised that the girls don't seem to have heard of this before? Hmm. Anyway, first up is Sarah vs Jasmin. Jas lets it be known early on that she has no interest in dunking her face in a bucket of water, and Sarah takes the win. Next sees Heather easily beat Rachel. Bec wins over Snezana, who struggles to actually get her head in the bucket on account of her ample chest. Nina takes on Ebru and comes up against the same struggle as Snez...her way around it though is to just tip the bucket over herself and grab an apple on its way out. Ebru isn't too impressed at what appears to be a deliberate wet t-shirt manuever, but you can't argue with results!

On to the semi-finals and Bec bests Sarah, receiving the least sincere "good on her" that the world has ever seen. Up next is Nina vs Heather, who notes that "in her last round, she just tipped the bucket over herself, grabbed an apple and came out on top! So I was like, if I'm going to do this, I'm gonna have to be really stealth, like a puma - in & out." And stealth she is, snatching the apple up in seconds: "I actually ripped it out and spat it out like some kind of triumphant bear catching a salmon, I was like, I GOT ONE!"

"VICTORY IS MINE"

And so the final is Heather vs Bec. It's truly a blink & you'll miss it match-up though, as Heather is in the water for all of 2 seconds before she emerges with the apple. Heather then declares "I'm the King of Bobbing..."

"...sounds dirty."

As a reward for her exemplary bobbing skills (teehee, it does sound dirty) Sam pulls her away for some alone time. Adorably, when Heather says she had no idea she was competing for time with him, he tells her "maybe that wasn't the prize but when you won I just decided to make it the prize." Oh he's smooth. #TEAMSAMTHER. ...yeah, that doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it? Hmm. That's gonna need some work.

After Heather & Sam return with their homemade lemonade, he informs the girls that their next super-fun activity will be...sheep shearing! As you can imagine, Jasmin is THRILLED.

And oh, what a miserable time Jasmin has having to touch the FILTHY DISGUSTING SHEEP. I'm wondering if she's had some sort of traumatic farm incident as a child, because sheep really aren't that awful. Having attended an agricultural school and thus spent a considerable amount of time around farm animals, I can vouch for them being perfectly adorable (if a bit dim) creatures! They're not particularly dirty; the greasy feeling that Jasmin would be mistaking for dirt is just lanolin. The way I look at it: if you're happy to spend money on the clothes and the cosmetics made from their fleece...well, touching the live thing ain't all that different. But that's just me, I get that some people are a bit funny around large animals. Each to their own, different strokes, et cetera.

After the sheep shearing is finished, Sam and the girls retreat to the shed for a barn dance. Everybody's in high spirits, riiiight up until Sam pulls Heather outside for some fresh air. Ruh-roh. TO HELL WITH YOU GUYS. #TEAMSAMTHER. This move takes Heather by surprise as well, having accepted that she probably wouldn't get any more one on one time after their lemonade session earlier. They're really cute, guys. Heather has a habit of thanking Sam for talking to her and he finally calls her on it, saying "You don't have to say that, it's crazy to say that. Because when you say that it sounds like talking to you is a chore. It's not a chore, it's an absolute pleasure." After she shares that she's spent her whole life feeling like she's always in the way, Sam responds "You're a pretty amazing girl and I've only scratched the surface, you shouldn't be saying or thinking things like that...I don't say it to be amazing, I say it because it's what I think." It's obviously a deeply ingrained habit though, since seconds later she thanks him again.

"WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU?!"

Sam then takes Sarah aside for a catchup. She admits that "I wasn't sure if it was the wine or it was Sam that I got really flustered over, but I think it was just a combination of them both." Yeah...I definitely think the wine has something to do with it, dear Sarah. I can't exactly put my finger on what it is that gives it away though...the giggles, the repetitive compliments ("you're OK" "YOU'RE OK!!") the rosy flush across your cheeks & decolletage...Or just a combination of them all, perhaps?

After he returns from his time with Sarah, Sam decides to pull Snezana away for a chat. Jasmin is LOVING IT:

I can only imagine the shit that would be hitting the proverbial fan if she got word of THIS little bit of mischief...

BUT WHAT OF THE GIRL CODE?!?

Rose ceremony time! That's right, no cocktail party tonight, we get straight into it. You know the drill by now: Heather gets a rose, and Emily makes a face:

In the end, we're left with Nina and Jasmin. In another completely predictable ending, Sam picks Nina, solidifying the message that, if you want to win the heart of Sammy Boy here, you best leave your tiaras at the door. No princesses allowed.

As she departs, Jasmin assures us that "I haven't given up on love" ...which is good to know, seeing as she is TWENTY FOUR YEARS OLD. Hurry up girl, you're running out of time! You better not give up!!

NEXT TIME: "The competition revs up" as the girls take to the go-kart track, the groundwork is laid for the EMILY V NINA rivalry, and Nina spills the beans on the group date pash. NICE ONE NINA.

The Bachelor Australia airs Wednesday and Thursday nights from 7:30pm on Channel Ten. Missed an episode? Catch up here:
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6

mamamedia predicts :: The 2015 MTV Video Music Awards

Oh yeah, we're doing this. Hope you've got your bookie on standby!

Break out the popcorn, because it's nearly time for the 2015 MTV Video Music Awards, hosted by Miley Cyrus. I can only imagine the shenanigans she has planned for us. Twerking? Nipples? Fire? Farm animals? WHO CAN SAY.

While you contemplate that, let's take a look at the nominees!

VIDEO OF THE YEAR

Beyonce - 7/11
Ed Sheeran - Thinking Out Loud
Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar - Bad Blood
Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars - Uptown Funk
Kendrick Lamar - Alright

mama's pick :: I would be verrry surprised to see anyone but Taylor walk away with this one.

BEST MALE VIDEO

Ed Sheeran - Thinking Out Loud
Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars - Uptown Funk
Kendrick Lamar - Alright
The Weeknd - Earned It
Nick Jonas - Chains

mama's pick :: Hmm. I do like Uptown Funk, but I think Ed or Kendrick will take this one out. I refuse to acknowledge the possibility that 50 Shades might influence the votes for Earned It. Ugh.

BEST FEMALE VIDEO

Beyonce - 7/11
Taylor Swift - Blank Space
Nicki Minaj - Anaconda
Sia - Elastic Heart
Ellie Goulding - Love Me Like You Do

mama's pick :: I think Taylor will take this one out as well (much to Nicki's displeasure...) but I think Sia deserves an award purely for making Shia LaBeouf appear attractive whilst dancing in a cage in flesh-coloured underwear. Bravo.

BEST HIP HOP VIDEO

Fetty Wap - Trap Queen
Nicki Minaj - Anaconda
Kendrick Lamar - Alright
Wiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth - See You Again
Big Sean ft. E-40 - I Don't F**k With You

mama's pick :: Nicki definitely got a lot of attention for her VMA nominations after her dig at Taylor Swift, but I'm not sure whether that will work for or against her with the voters. Either way, I think Kendrick's video is more deserving of the award than Anaconda.

BEST POP VIDEO

Beyonce - 7/11
Ed Sheeran - Thinking Out Loud
Taylor Swift - Blank Space
Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars - Uptown Funk
Maroon 5 - Sugar

mama's pick :: Once again, Taylor has got to be a lock, surely? As an aside, whilst I don't think they'll win, I can't help but smile whenever I see the Sugar video. I JUST LOVE LOVE OKAY.

BEST ROCK VIDEO

Hozier - Take Me To Church
Fall Out Boy - Uma Thurman
Florence + The Machine - Ship To Wreck
Walk The Moon - Shut Up And Dance
Arctic Monkeys - Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High?

mama's pick :: Who do I think will win? Hozier. Who would I like to win? Arctic Monkeys all the way! AM was a perfect album from start to finish.

ARTIST TO WATCH

Fetty Wap - Trap Queen
Vance Joy - Riptide
George Ezra - Budapest
James Bay - Hold Back The River
FKA twigs - Pendulum

mama's pick :: Yay Vance! No question, I have to back my fellow Aussie here.

BEST COLLABORATION

Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar - Bad Blood
Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars - Uptown Funk
Wiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth - See You Again
Ariana Grande & The Weeknd - Love Me Harder
Jessie J + Ariana Grande + Nicki Minaj - Bang Bang

mama's pick :: Do we think anyone really has a chance against Bad Blood, the ultimate in #SquadGoals? Really?

VIDEO WITH A SOCIAL MESSAGE

Jennifer Hudson - I Still Love You
Colbie Caillat - Try
Big Sean ft. Kanye West & John Legend - One Man Can Change The World
Rihanna - American Oxygen
Wale - The White Shoes

mama's pick :: Look at you MTV, being all socially responsible 'n' shit. Taking a look at past winners, gay rights and body image are the big winners in this category - both very pressing issues within the voting demographic - so my money would be on I Still Love You or Try.

So, who would get your vote? Are you looking forward to Miley's antics? Or are you cringing in anticipation? Are you #TeamTaylor or #TeamNicki? OR, are you like me over here on #TeamWhyCantWeAllJustGetAlong? Sound off in the comments!

For you Australian lovelies, you can catch the MTV VMA's live on MTV from 10:00am, Monday 31st August. Don't fret if you miss the live telecast though, as MTV will be replaying the awards on a constant loop throughout the day.

EVERYBODY BE COOL :: In Defence of the Bachelorettes

It's a cold, miserable day here in Sydney and I'm using the dreary weather as an excuse to wrap myself up in a cocoon of blankets and catch up on my Bachelor recaps.

While waiting for my tea to steep, I browsed through some of the recent tabloid articles about our lovely Bachelorettes and was surprised to see so much negativity being directed towards some of the girls - both in news and social media. Suddenly I started to feel...not so great. So much so that I felt the need to come here, jump up on my horse and white-knight for these fair maidens for a sec. Although I'm sure they are more than capable of sticking up for themselves...I mean, did you see how Jacinda gave Sam the business after the Groundhog Date disaster? What a boss.

"You are correct, but I will allow you to proceed." All hail Queen Jacinda.

Let me start by saying that I love this show. I love watching it, recapping it, and from what I can tell, you guys don't mind reading about it either. I think this year's cast (because that's what it is: a carefully selected cast of characters) is great: a colourful mix of beautiful women, each with her own story to tell. With so much time devoted to Sam's story, it's a shame that we don't get to hear more about their lives, but that's the way it goes with TV, innit?

HOWEVER: I am very aware that what we are seeing every Wednesday and Thursday night is a carefully manufactured love story between Sam and *insert winner here.* It is the story that the producers want to tell, not necessarily an accurate representation of the weeks spent confined in Bach Manor.

And it seems to me that the inability of a portion of the audience - viewers and commentators alike - to recognise this difference, between actual reality and the "REALITY" we are being presented, is what is now resulting in such vitriol being directed towards some of the women. It only takes a cursory glance at social media to see that they are being torn to shreds over their depiction on the show and it's not OK.

For example, let's take a look at what is behind the "bitchy" "rivalries" "!!!" that are getting so much media coverage: During filming, these girls live together 24/7. They only leave the house when on dates and are allowed one supervised phone call home a fortnight. It's only natural for there to be conflict in this scenario. I certainly don't expect all of these women to be BEST FRIENDS 4EVAAA merely because they've been thrown into a virtual prison together. Some viewers might like to think they're all sitting around the manse, giggling and braiding each other's hair, but I'm more realistic.

But back to that story-telling element: Producers love conflict and drama. Drama equals dollars. However, some conflicts will play to the audience better than others. People don't want to see Heather or Snezana being nasty about other contestants, because they're being framed as the frontrunners. Nobody wants to see Sam end up with a raging bitch, after all! But if it's someone like Emily? Sure, pile it on! More bitchface reaction shots! More comments about other girls that are clearly edited because. they. are chopped. up. like this.! Have you noticed how often we hear Emily's comments, not actually see her say them? Mm.

Is she a RAGING MEGA BITCH, or just getting food out of her teeth? WE'LL NEVER KNOW. 

"But Jess, have you read your recaps? Surely you're a part of the problem?" Ah, good question my lovely, which brings me to why I felt compelled to write this rambling mess. When I recap the show, to me it feels as though I'm commenting on fictional characters, rather than real people. Because once again: we're not seeing what these girls are really like, we're seeing what the producers want us to see. As an example, how many of you knew that Krystal is a mum? Anyone? Because they sure as hell are going out of their way to remind us that Snezana is a mother, but Krystal's son wasn't mentioned once during her time on the show.

Anyway, in my mind there is a clear distinction between the real-life women, and the characters on my TV screen. Just because I refer to her as Shitstorm doesn't mean that I think Sandra is a horrible person, funnily enough she actually reminds me of one of my closest friends. And as for the aforementioned Bitchface Heard Across Australia? I happen to LOVE Emily's facial expressions, hence why I include so many frames of them: they are truly one of my favourite parts of the show. My husband cracks up whenever they cut away to an Emily reaction. More bitchface, I say! But every story needs a villain, and much like Laurina last season (who was my favourite, incidentally) unfortunately this season the producers have decided that the duty falls to Emily. Is it fair? No, of course not, and no one is being more vocal about this than Emily and her family, who must be having a difficult time watching. If it's any consolation to them though, I'm sure I'm not the only viewer who would love to see more of Emily outside of her being the "princess."

Ultimately what I'm trying to say is that I hope that my recaps have been read in the humourous tone in which they were intended, but I have to acknowledge that my words may come across as genuinely hurtful appraisals of the contestants and if this is the case, then I apologise unreservedly. 

Before I return to our regularly scheduled snarking, just a final reminder to be cool out there, interwebz. It might be fun to fire off a nasty tweet whilst enjoying tonight's episode, but remember that these women exist outside of the Bach Manor bubble.

The Bachelor Australia airs Wednesday and Thursday nights from 7:30pm on Channel Ten.

mamamedia recaps :: Episode 6 of The Bachelor Australia

In short? NOT COOL BRO.

"I'm having such a great time getting to know everyone, but there's still ten girls in the mansion and there's just not enough time, so I'm going to shake things up a bit: I've planned a date that's going to be fun, there's going to be laughter and most importantly, I'm going to see how the girls handle situations when things don't quite go to plan." ...Aaaand this right here was our first clue that shit was going down this episode. But first - biceps!

Over at Bach Manor and the ladies are lounging around in their PJ's (oh, and full faces of makeup, because who isn't camera ready at bedtime?) when - surprise surprise! - Osher appears out of a shadowy corridor to present the girls with the coveted golden envelope. Good thing we just happened to be perfectly made up for this moment, Osh! What great timing you have!

I always rock a smoky eye at bedtime. Standard.

The lucky lady is Ebru, who will be "throwing caution to the wind" on a single date with Sam. And what a single date it will be! Cut to Sam: "Today I'm doing things totally differently - I'm calling it the Groundhog Date! I'm taking three girls on exactly the same date, but things are not going to go quite to plan, it's gonna be a lot of fun and we'll see how the girls will handle it when the chips are down." HOW ROMANTIC.

Nah, sorry, this made me really angry. So you're saying that, rather than taking girls on solo dates that have been planned just for them - like EVERY OTHER SINGLE DATE so far - you're taking three girls on the exact same generic outing. On top of that, you're also setting them up with scenarios designed to put them out of their comfort zones, not because you want to share in the experience with them, like if you were to go skydiving, but because you want to test them. You're basically conducting scientific experiments on three unsuspecting women. Nice.

As Ebru & Sam depart on their date, Ebru blissfully unaware that her every move will be judged against two other women, they barely make it around the corner before their limo driver informs them of a flat tyre. I wonder: is there some sort of trick tyre they're using for this? Or do these girls not know what a flat tyre looks like? Anyway, Ebru helps Sam change the tyre like a champion - EVEN THOUGH IF SHE DECLINED THE OFFER TO HELP YOU CHANGE IT THERE WOULD BE NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT SHE'S IN A SKINTIGHT DRESS AND HEELS YOU JERK.

Back at Bach Manor and Bec wanders into the lounge with a golden envelope tucked under her arm. As Ebru is out on a single date, the assumption is that it will be a group date. PSYCH LADIES. As we know, it's another single date, with the cryptic clue: "Land and sea, you and me." Straight away, Jacinda announces that she gets terrible seasickness and hopes that it's not her. Which of course means that it's Jacinda on the invite.

This is the face you make when having to contemplate vomiting on a date.

We then see Jacinda hop into the limo - in case you were questioning the timeline, this date took place the morning after Ebru's, who didn't return to the mansion that evening - and, of course, they only make it a few metres before the "flat tyre" occurs. Lucky for poor dainty Sam, she's more than willing to help - we don't call her Awesome Jacinda for nothing! ALTHOUGH SHE WOULD BE AWESOME EITHER WAY BECAUSE SHE IS NOT OBLIGATED TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS FARCE LOOK HOW IMPRACTICAL HER OUTFIT IS.

"A bit too boob-y" - Jacinda

 

We cut back to the Manor where the ladies are beginning to worry for Ebru, who hasn't returned from her date. It's now starting to sink in that these aren't normal single dates, and there's a possibility that one or neither of the girls will be returning. Just as Rachel & Bec share their relief to have missed out on these dates, Osher enters with yet another invitation. There's no squeals or cheers today though, just an ever increasing sense of impending doom. The clue offers no sense of comfort, saying "you never know what's around the corner." Well, obviously. The girls all agree that they do not want their name to be on that card, but unfortunately someone's is, and it's Bec. And isn't she thrilled!

JUST LOOK HOW HAPPY!

After the girls have all completed Level One: Feeling Deflated to Sam's satisfaction, they move onto the next phase of the date: Jetboating. The basic idea seems to be: if I take these beautifully made-up ladies, who have no doubt spent hours preparing for this time with me, and drench them in seawater, will they snap? Alas, all three girls take it in their stride and enjoy the ride. Level Two: Drowned Rat: ACHIEVED. You may proceed.

We then arrive at the restaurant for a "romantic" lunch and Level Three: Full Service. The waitress is, unbeknownst to the girls of course, an actress who has been hired to flirt mercilessly with Sam and generally undermine his companions. This includes referring to Ebru as Elbow and mopping up spilt water in Sam's crotch. Ebru prickles, Bec giggles, and Awesome Jacinda just can't even.

I feel you babe.

Onto Level Four: Fear Factor. No simple chicken or steak for these ladies, oh no. What purpose would that serve when you're trying to provoke a reaction, right? So they enjoy a lunch of fried crickets - Mexican style! - and "Poultry Three Ways" - chicken feet, duck tongue and duck chin. MMM. Delicious. Funnily enough, Sam seems to handle it worse than the girls do. Suck it, Sammy Boy.

"HA, you brought this upon yourself!"

Back at Bach Manor, the rest of the girls are seriously starting to worry about the Groundhog Three, as none of them have yet returned. All of a sudden - excellent timing, as always - Bec walks in and starts to recount the tale of The Strangest Date Of All Time. As she tells of changing a flat tyre in her mini and heels, we are treated to one of Emily's winning expressions...a look that seems to say, "Thank GOD I missed out on this one."

"CHANGING A TYRE?! No thank you."

If hearing Bec's story wasn't strange enough, just as she finishes, Jacinda waltzes in. She manages to get one sentence out before the rest of the group realises that they have been on the same date. That, or as Sarah seems to believe, they have conspired to spin a story. Cin quickly puts that theory to bed, as her & Bec compare their experience and realise that they have been conned. Just as the tears start to flow and people begin to wonder whether Ebru might have walked out on her disaster date, she finally returns, blissfully unaware that her date was a joke. Ebs only has to say a few words before she is cut off by laughter and discovers what has transpired. Ugh, these poor women. I'm totally #TeamGroundhogThree here. Man, these producers are dicks (because let's be honest, Sam really had no part in the creation of this date.) HOW DARE YOU MAKE AWESOME JACINDA CRY.

HOW DARE YOU, SAM. HOW VERY DARE YOU.

What really grinds my gears though, is seeing how unsympathetic the other women seem to be towards the three. They seem baffled as to why they would be upset, to which I say: Can you not imagine how humiliating this would be?!? I was dying a little on the inside as I watched. This attitude is even more irritating when it's coming from those who have already enjoyed real dates with Sam, like Sarah or Snez. Just in case you hadn't heard: A normal single date is said to last around 12 hours. According to Jacinda, she, Ebru, & Bec were only given 2 hours with Sam. Putting aside all the bullshit they were subjected to, I am sure they would have already been feeling upset that for some reason, they weren't deserving of the same amount of time as the others. And then to realise that they'd been put through a circus to see if they'd snap...well, as Ebru says: "Everything that happened, everything that we went through...Was it real?" Exactly. When everyone but you is in on the joke, how can you be certain what was genuine and what was part of the act?

Cocktail hour! And it's a very different energy at this cocktail party than normal. Sam enters the room and remarks that it's "not as warm a welcome as I'm used to receiving." O RLY? I wonder why that is. Poor Bec here can't even bring herself to look at him. GIVE HIM HELL, BEC.

Sam pulls Bec outside for a chat, where she lets him know how terrifying it was for her to receive the date invitation, since she knew something was up after Ebru & Jacinda had not returned. She also lets him know that she's quite guarded with her emotions because she trusts too easily and has been hurt in the past. WAY TO GO, SAM, JUST PROVING TO BEC ONCE AGAIN THAT MEN ARE DICKS. Sam is doing some hardcore damage control, assuring Bec that the fun on their date was real...but makes no apology for the fact that the date was set up to TEST THEM. But damnit, Bec falls for it. MAKE HIM APOLOGISE.

Next up is Ebru - maybe she'll bust his balls? Once again, he assures Ebru that he genuinely enjoyed their time together. He also adds that he wishes he could take all three on single dates, but the reality of the situation is that there is such limited time that it wasn't possible. Hmm..STILLL DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY THEY HAD TO BE THE EXACT SAME DATES, SAM. Damn, Ebru lets him off as well. WHY WON'T ANYONE TELL HIM JUST HOW SHITTY IT WAS?

Finally, it's Jacinda's turn. Will she be the one to see through his shit?

YES YES YES I KNEW I WAS CALLING YOU AWESOME JACINDA FOR A REASON. When he asks if she's OK, she responds "No. No I'm not." This absolute BOSS of a woman then proceeds to wave off Sam's explanation that he "needed to spend time with them" and tells him "it's so simple. I want someone to recognise me from the start, and I want someone to give me the best date ever, because I deserve it." YES YES YES ALL HAIL QUEEN JACINDA.

Of course, Sam now admits that he doesn't know if he sees anything more than friendship between them, so Jacinda heads home, sparing her the unnecessary cruelty of a rose ceremony. BOOOO SHE WAS THE BEST. Actually, never mind. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

"You were the only girl to stand up to me...which means you have to go."

NEXT TIME: Emily finally receives a single date and Sam puts the "ho" in hoedown* when he kisses a girl on a group date.

The Bachelor Australia airs Wednesday & Thursday nights from 7:30pm on Channel Ten. Missed an episode? Catch up here:
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5

* Hoping that you guys realise that I am not seriously calling anyone a ho. I just couldn't resist making the joke.

mamamedia recaps :: Episode 5 of The Bachelor Australia

Tonight, a date for the history books...

Are you a fan of the way the girls have been dismissing Heather because she's been "friendzoned"? Well then you'll love this episode: 30 seconds in and Emily is already digging at Heather because "she knows that Sam only sees her as a friend." Sigh. I'm so tired of this storyline. SAM, JUST PASH HEATHER IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AND SHUT EMILY UP ALREADY.

Heather is at least taking this all in her stride, saying that she's glad the girls don't see her as a threat because then they'll leave her alone, and after the drama that was the Snez-Sam kiss at the cocktail party, she's happy not to have to deal with that bullshit. Good on you, H-Bomb! Speaking of Snezana, she sympathises with Heather and the way that she feels protective of her relationship, saying "her Sam isn't my Sam. My Sam is my Sam and her Sam is her Sam. It's weird, but it's the only way it can work."

Osher then pops in with a golden envelope, which invites one lucky lady to "set the record straight" on a single date with Sam. WHATEVER COULD THIS POSSIBLY MEAN? Well, it's Nina who will be finding out, finally rewarded after missing out on every single & group date so far. Emily is obviously very impressed...

Emily's bitchface is a thing of beauty.

Nina trots off to meet Sam in Sydney Harbour and as they cruise across the water, he casually mentions that they'll be climbing the Harbour Bridge and breaking a Guiness World Record at the summit. Y'know, as you do on a first date, amiright? I still remember my first date with B: We had a lovely candlelit dinner, then set the record for Most Clothes Pegs Attached To Face. Ahh, memories.

Good thing you pointed it out to us Sam, we never would have been able to spot that teensy little bridge...

Meanwhile, back at Bach Manor, another golden envelope has arrived, inviting Snezana, Shitstorm Sandra, Jasmin, Bec, Ebru, Sarah, Jacinda and Heather on a group date, where they will "kick off with some bubbles." Will there be champagne? A trip to a day spa? A drunken brawl? ...Because all I think of when I hear the phrase "kick off" is lads fighting on Ex On The Beach. Aaaand that right there tells you all you need to know about the calibre of TV that I enjoy. Ahem. Anyway. Oh, and Jasmin has clearly been taking bitchface tips from Emily, check out when she announced Heather's name...

Back to the Bridge! Acrophobe Sam assures Nina that "heights are my only thing. Other than that, I'm all man." Jeez, the producers aren't being kind on him, eh? Dude has a fear of heights and they send him up in an air balloon, then to climb - as Osher informs us - the world's tallest steel arch bridge. Speaking of Osh, he meets them at the summit with "Chris" who is supposedly from Guiness World Records. When O informs Nina that the record they're attempting to break was previously set on the US Bachelor, she twigs almost instantly. Someone's obviously a Bachelor fangirl.

And in case you haven't paid attention to any promos or the preview at the start of the episode, that record is World's Longest Onscreen TV Kiss, which currently stands at 3min 48sec. ROMANTIC. "Grandma Nina, what was your first kiss with Grandpa Sam like?" "Well Jimmy, it was just him & me atop the Harbour Bridge...with a TV host yelling commentary...and a Guinness guy dictating the parameters of the kiss...and a camera crew buzzing around...and a BridgeClimb team watching..."

Anyway, long story short: They break the record with a kiss lasting 4min 10sec. I'm interested to see the proof of this, honestly. I know someone who holds a record, and they receive a whole lot of official certification. I've checked the GWR website and they haven't updated it either...hmm. Anyway, after the kiss was done & dusted, Sam had this to say: "I definitely feel like it changed the dynamic of our relationship." - O RLY, Sam? Kissing a girl continuously for four minutes has changed your dynamic? What a revelation.

Nina returns triumphantly, rose in hand, and regales the ladies with the tale of The Kiss That Stopped The Harbour. Most of the girls seem to find it hilarious...Heather? Notsomuch.

If looks could kill...

Group date time! The girls arrive at the hockey stadium at Sydney Olympic Park for a game of soccer...but this is soccer WITH A TWIST! They will be playing...naked. No, they're playing Zorb Soccer! You get all the fun of rolling around in a bubble, with all the mindnumbing dullness of a game of soccer! Yeah, can you tell I'm not a fan of the futbol? Much to the disappointment of my European family. Sorry Dad.

Shitstorm Sandra informs us that "this is my chance! Sam loves sport, so I need to shine!" And by "shine" she obviously means, "knock as many girls on their arses as viciously as possible. The more blindsided they are, the better. Oh, and scream a lot. A lot." In the words of Awesome Jacinda, "Sandra, when she wants attention, will make sure that she gets it. No matter how big she has to be, how loud, and how incredibly annoying." AWESOME JACINDA SPEAKS THE TRUTH.

Preach.

In the end, despite the Golden Girls taking an early lead, the Green Machine comes back and wins in the tiebreak. Which means, Sandra wins. Which means, more screaming. Ugh. Sam calls the match "one of the most enjoyable sporting experiences of my life." Watching 8 attractive women in tiny shorts and plastic bubbles barging into each other to win your love? No, I can't imagine why Sam would find that enjoyable.

And so, to the victor go the spoils. The girls are rewarded with a Mexican-themed cruise down the Parramatta River, complete with serapes, pinatas and, inexplicably, limbo, which is slightly offensive, seeing as limbo originated in Trinidad, not Mexico.

"You guys know this isn't Mexican, right?" "It's fine Jerry, to these girls it's all one and the same. Stick it on the boat!" 

Meanwhile, back at the Manor the defeated Golden Girls arrive home with tales of bubbles, balls and...a kiss? Wait, wut? Wait, a hickey?! Oh, it's just Awesome Jacinda psyching them out. Well played. Carry on.

GOTCHA.

Back on the Love Boat and I'm really feeling for Jasmin, Ebru & Bec being stuck on this floating prison with Shitstorm. At least they have margaritas to numb their pain. She keeps hollering that they're "groupies," at one point even saying to Sam, "I'm literally your group date groupie!" ...yeah, I don't know if she grasps the concepts of "literally." Actually, I'm not sure she grasps the concept of "groupie" either. Speaking of Sammy Boy, he is as diplomatic as possible, saying of Shitstorm: "She's so friendly, so bubbly, she's got a massive heart...I just feel like she's so full on, all of the time. I feel like she doesn't understand there are times when it's better to stop and think and pause, she just continues to talk."

"WHY. IS. SHE. STILL. HERE. Pass the Doritos."

Cocktail hour! And once again, the Heather-Emily conflict is getting airtime. After having a one-on-one chat with Sam, Emily declares to the rest of the girls that he's looking for "fire, not friendship." Heather, who prior to this scene we learnt is feeling insecure in her sexiness around the rest of the girls, has enough of this topic and walks out of the room. It actually works in her favour though, with Sam catching her out on the balcony & whisking her away for a private conversation. Much to the consternation of the Bitchface Twins, Emily & Jasmin. 

Oh, by the way, who is this rando creeping up on Emily & Sam's chat? Somewhere, a PA is getting their arse kicked for wandering into shot.

THE ILLUSION HAS BEEN SHATTERED.

Rose ceremony time! And in the end, we're left with Rachel and Shitstorm. In a SHOCK ENDING THAT NO ONE SAW COMING, Sandra is out of here. She does manage to call herself a "group date groupie" one last time though...so there's that. 

NEXT TIME: Sammy Boy takes 3 ladies on a "Groundhog Date" that appears to blow up in his pretty little face when one decides to tell her story walking.

The Bachelor Australia airs Wednesday & Thursday nights at 7:30pm on Channel Ten. Missed an episode? Catch up here:
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4