Highlights From Episode 4 of Real Housewives Of Melbourne

Two weeks late? I am on fire!!

Gamble VS Janet Round 3: GOLF EDITION.

:: "I'm hoping we can put the nonsense from Chadstone behind us, and get on with our 20 year friendship." Yeah, good luck with that one Janet. We open to her and Gina having lunch together and it ends about as well as can be expected. After general pleasantries, they get down to addressing the Gamble fiasco. Gina accuses Janet of lying and character assassination and Janet storms out.

:: Our first sighting of Bruce this season! Acting all Mr Boss Man at The Big Group and getting invited to quasi-royal Qatari weddings. He & Chyka then meet with Eddie McGuire at a venue they're developing together. A venue that is, according to Eddie, for Victoria! For Melbourne! For all of Australia! All in a days work, innit.

:: "Can you wear short shorts?" Jackie and Janet take a trip to Brooks Brothers to pick out golfing outfits and rehash the Gamble & Gina drama. Janet cries, and Jackie makes this face:

:: Gina has promo shots taken with a man that appears to be Australia's answer to Terry Richardson. "I think he really knows how to capture the essence of a woman." I bet he does, Gina. I bet he does.

:: Jackie & Ben meet Chyka & Bruce at their "pop up whiskey bar" Club 74, which they have closed for the night for dinner. Ahh, to have the kind of money where you can lose a nights takings from your limited-run venue for dinner with friends, and it ain't no thing. That's the dream. 

:: "She knows she's not a stripper. And even if she was, so what? At least she knows how to give it." - Jackie continues to be the best.

:: Ohhh, so Lydia & TeensyBlossom are both overseas during this ep. That means no "wow" or "switch the bitch" references tonight, guys. I'm sure your drinking games have all been severely affected.

:: OK, Gamble's golfing outfit is amazing. She's like Moonah Links Barbie. We're also witnessing an interesting amendment to the "stripper" story: Gamble has previously posed as a nude model and she seems to think this has been exaggerated into her being a stripper. This is how she is now justifying her heroin addict story: She has similarly blown a rumour about Janet out of proportion. All I have to say is: What is this Janet rumour? The people need to know!

:: "You started it!" - Gamble taking the playground defense here. Obviously receiving solid advice from Gina.

:: "Alright ladies, If I hear anything about any of you, I'm not going to say a word." Anyone want to place bets on how long it takes Janet to break this little promise, hmm?

NEXT TIME: Lydia has returned from Florence and regales the ladies with a tearful tale, Janet is in the market for a toyboy and Gamble VS Janet kicks off AGAIN over Wolfie.

Highlights From Episode 3 of Real Housewives Of Melbourne

This weeks RHOM recap is only 5 days late guys - getting better! I think a round of applause is in order.

:: "I always love seeing Lydia. We really do enjoy each others company." - As opposed to all those other bitches who you have to fake affection for, eh Chyka?

:: I had to take a photo of Lydia's reaction to the sex party rumours, because...well, see for yourself...

A picture really does say a thousand words.

:: "What's your psychic vibe on this whole thing?" "I think she's going to be very angry with you." - It doesn't take psychic abilities to know that a woman who has been accused of being an orgy-throwing, pole-dancing call girl is probably going to be pretty bent out of shape about it.

:: Oh, the obligatory "Switch The Bitch" reference. I'm still not feeling the concept, particularly now that we are being introduced to "co-author" and eyebrow waxer Charlotte's contribution: "An instructional guide to women to say this is the formula you need to do the ultimate dance of love and capturing the heart of the man you love." That was verbatim by the way. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. Meanwhile, TeensyBlossom is still going on about how it's for "all the bitches" to learn how to "switch the bitch." Again...what am I meant to be switching?!? Work on your elevator pitch TB!

:: "Chyka didn't hear those rumours from me!" - Umm, did we not see Janet first mentioning these rumours to Chyka and Jackie in the limo on the way to Gamble's murder mystery party last week? Hmm.

:: Oh God, Janet "fucks for heroin". Oh, Gamble. Gamble, Gamble, Gamble. Throwing mud at the wall and hoping that something sticks. This just brings to mind schoolkids in the playground...Which is fine, when it's schoolkids. But these women are in their 40s and 50s. Ladies! Please!

Jackie: Praying to the angels to give her strength

:: "But I will tell you...she was fuckin' fuming mate." - OK, I think Jackie is officially my favourite.

:: Whilst teaching Lydia poker, Shane Warne mentions "In cricket terms..." and then proceeds to make absolutely no reference to cricket. So either there was a comment edited out, or Shane just wanted to bring up cricket. "In cricket terms, I WAS A BIG DEAL BOWLER ONCE UPON A TIME, PLEASE DON'T FORGET ME AUSTRALIA." It's all good Warnie, we remember you.

:: "To be called a prostitute, for her, strikes at the very heart of who she is." - Captain Obvious over here. Also, ladies and gents? The correct term is sex worker. Insert shooting star.

A mamamedia Public Service Announcement

:: Chyka kicked her son out of his bedroom and turned it into a dressing room. Motherhood Goals.

:: Manuela is apparently the queen of the Melbourne social scene and, in her own words, "owns this town." However, the only press I can find on her - not including her shiny website, which mentions a coming skincare line and is in desperate need of a subeditor - are passing mentions in relation to the show. Although, I did find an article about the sale of TeensyBlossom's latest property development, which is being sold by Manuela. So there's that. The highlight of that article? When they mention TB's partner Frank having "no measurable social influence."

:: "There's no point in saying it or making it up, because then you're just as bad as her." - Gina wraps this episode up with some well spoken realness for Gamble: Cut the bullshit, stick to the facts. The defense rests.

NEXT TIME: The Gamble vs Janet brouhaha continues, the Housewives hit the "golf court" (thanks Jackie), and hilarity ensues. Probably.

Highlights From Episode 2 of Real Housewives Of Melbourne

Not as late as my premiere episode recap, round of applause please everyone!

:: "I asked for mirrors on the floor, so when I'm driving, I can check out my landing strip - because I go commando!" - I don't think TeensyBlossom exactly understands how mirrors work. Also: we get it. You don't wear underwear. This isn't as shocking a revelation as I think she thinks it is.

:: I don't know about you guys, but I know that when I'm out walking my Italian greyhound, I always choose a nice stacked heel in which to pound the pavement.

:: "Gamble has social smarts" - This is a nice way of saying "street smart", which is a nice way of saying "not book smart". I would normally feel bad about saying this, but I love Gamble and I think that she would admit the same, so it's all good.

:: FUN FACT: Jackie has an E cup chest. Congrats, Mr Gillies.

:: OK, this is where I am TOTALLY on Team Jackie & Janet - I can't stand people who think that retail assistants are their personal shoppers. Personally, I don't even feel comfortable handing back clothes that I'm not buying: I put them back on the rack myself. To see TeensyBlossom barking orders at poor Imogen...yeah, not a fan.

:: "It's a real mongrel of a woman" - Lydia cuts right to the chase, don't she.

:: Unless she's self publishing and willing to take a huge loss on this book, TeensyBlossom is going to have to polish the hell out of that book pitch.

:: So, the proposal: Are we thinking real, or staged? I have no doubt that Rick actually proposed to her, but do we think they recreated the moment for the cameras? Hmm.

:: "I've got Pettifleur up the end..." "You couldn't put her in another room?" - Janet's not holding back at all now, is she?

:: This episode just demonstrates how, whilst they are fun, it is IMPOSSIBLE to follow a murder mystery storyline whilst drinking. The last time I successfully followed a murder mystery was at a friend's birthday party...when we were 13. As an adult, you spend the whole time going "Who am I? Wait, I thought I was the maid? YOU'RE the maid? Who the hell am I? Am I the duchess? Oh wait, she's the dead one?!? Hang on, let me check my cards again..."

:: "Oh God, another Toorak woman, Melbourne socialite, writing a book. JUST what the world needs." - Gamble continues to own this episode.

:: I've got to be honest: learning that Gamble throws sex parties, if true, would make me like her MORE. Own that shit, lady. Bitches just be jealous that nobody's coming to their orgies.

NEXT TIME: The Gamble V Janet drama continues. SALACIOUS.

As always, I am running behind (I mean, Ep. 3 did screen tonight), but you'll have the recap as soon as possible lovelies! MY RECORDER IS FILLING UP SO QUICKLY YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER :: Highlights from the Season 2 Premiere of Real Housewives of Melbourne

YES, I KNOW, I KNOW - This premiered 2 weeks ago. I HAVE SO MUCH TV TO CATCH UP ON GUYS IT'S NOT FUNNY I'M DOING MY BEST MY BABY HAS TURNED INTO A DEMON CHILD WHO WON'T SLEEP ANYMORE AND I THINK I'M DYING.
Ahem. As you were.

Up until recently, I hadn't seen a second of the Melbourne Housewives, as - I'll be honest - I was kind of embarrassed for that beautiful city. It's Melbourne! The Paris of the South! It's easy to laugh at the American editions, but much harder when the bitchiness is closer to home.

However, I had picked up tidbits here & there from various recaps & interviews I'd seen about the place. I was aware that a former Silverchair member was involved, and that there had been quite a bit of nastiness surrounding Gina Liano. Other than that, I had no idea. So watching the Season 2 premiere was something of an educational experience. These women are just....well, let's take a look:

:: First of all, our introductions to the housewives are just stellar. Behold:

GINA: I deal in fact, not friction! [BECAUSE SHE'S A SUPER SERIOUS LAWYER PERSON]
LYDIA: I love tradition, but I am no traditional housewife!
JANET: Some people have ups and downs, I have rollercoaster rides!
JACKIE: Make light of me all you want, but I'm still going to shine!
CHYKA: Style is an attitude, not something you can buy. [Code for: I am the most normal one here.]
GAMBLE: Gamble on me and you're sure to win!
PETTIFLEUR: This little flower is no shrinking violet! [HER MADE UP NAME KIND OF MEANS LITTLE FLOWER GUYS GET IT?!]

:: Jackie greeting both Chyka and Lydia with exclamations about how much weight they've lost. Which, let's face it, is what every woman wants shouted in public: YOU WERE SO MUCH FATTER THAN YOU ARE NOW. Also: The fact that Jackie links Lydia's weight loss to her "shagging".

:: Ohhh, so THAT'S how you pronounce Chyka. I had no idea. Is it Chi-KUH? SHY-kuh? CHY-kuh? Shi-KUH? SO MANY POSSIBILITIES.

:: The lighting, hair and makeup in the talking heads segments is just awful. Why does every woman look 10 years older?! Seriously - compare Janet in her TH pieces, to her restaurant scene with Carlos. They look like two different people.

:: "What the hell is wrong with these people?? Go and buy your own bloody shampoo." - Jackie, upon hearing Lydia's shopping list for her PA. I gotta say, I'm liking this gal.

:: ATTN BAKERS: Do you want your clients to stop hassling you for prices? Then give Chris @ LET THEM EAT CAKE a call. He's currently offering classes.

:: Again, what is the deal with the talking heads? Gamble's hair looks like a helmet.

:: "It's important not to let the cork fly out. It's actually a significant danger to eyes." - Gamble's partner Rick, the ophthalmologist. Dude, I hate to break it to you...but you don't need a fancypants degree to know that champagne corks can do some damage to the ol' peepers.

:: "I thought it might be nice to invite her to my birthday party" - Janet. READ: Casting lined this up. I have no idea who this woman is.

:: MASSIVE GENERALISATION ALERT: Every man I have ever known with hair like Pettifleur's son has been a d-bag. Sorry to say. Particularly in the corporate wor- oh, her son is in finance. Ding ding ding.

:: FRIENDZONE LEVEL: PET PIG achieved. Sorry Carlos. Swing and a miss.

NEXT TIME: We go Bentley shopping with TeensyBlossom and there are RUMOURS about Gamble's PAST with MEN. THIS CONFLICT IS TOTALLY ORGANIC AND IS ABSOLUTELY NOT SCRIPTED.

Episode 2 is lined up on my recorder to recap, so you'll probably have that sometime in April. My finger is right on the pulse here ladies and gents.

Rest In Peace, Mirjana Puhar

Incredibly tragic news out of the US this morning and I still don't really know what to say.

Mirjana Puhar, a contestant on the recent cycle of America's Next Top Model, was found dead in her home on Tuesday afternoon along with her 23 year-old boyfriend and 21 year-old housemate. They had been shot in what appears to be a drug-related incident.

She was 19.

As I type this, I'm watching cycle 21 here in Australia. Mirjana is still in the competition, flirting with her fellow contestant Denzel. She is carefree, young, beautiful. Since the news broke, her ANTM family has been posting their tributes on social media. ANTM may have shown Mirjana in a certain light (one word: ballbreaker) but the outpouring of grief from her judges and castmates shows that she was loved:

 

 

It just doesn't seem real that this stunning young girl, whose family had fled wartorn Serbia when she was 5 years old, is no longer with us.

Just so fucking sad.

Rest in peace Mirjana.

The Academy Awards, Keira Knightley and #AskHerMore

This morning, as I fed Liv and enjoyed a cup of tea, I switched on the TV to find a panel discussing the best & worst dressed from last night's Academy Awards.

The conversation soon turned to Keira Knightley, who had worn a Valentino gown that I personally found lovely on her, but others had not. To quote Jessica from Go Fug Yourself, "I HATE this. I hate the non-colour. I hate the writing. I hate how twee it is. I just want better for her."

Cast your eyes over the dress in question, and we shall continue...

The panel on the Today show weren't impressed either, the main reason seemingly: "She's pregnant! Why wouldn't she show off her beautiful bump! Let us see the bump! You're pregnant, flaunt it!" Etc, etc, et-freaking-c.

And on Keira's behalf, I got mad.

Sunday night was not about Keira's baby. It was about her work. Her performance in a film, that was so brilliant it earned her a nomination for one of - if not the most - prestigious awards in her field. So maybe, just perhaps, she wanted THAT to be the focus on Sunday night, hmm?

I've seen her be quite vocal in the past when asked what she has deemed to be gendered questions - things like "how do you balance your work and personal life?" I can't imagine that she would appreciate her Oscars night being diminished to solely being about her pregnancy.

I just wish that women could attend an event and be asked questions with substance about their profession, not their dresses or their dates or the occupancy of their uterus.

Which leads us ever-so-seamlessly into #AskHerMore!

Overall, the #AskHerMore movement had moderate success on Sunday night. In particular, Ryan Seacrest from E! received a lot of attention for his red carpet questions. According to red carpet coverage executive producer Gary Snegaroff, none of Seacrest's pre-prepared questions focused on fashion. When he did ask the stars who they were wearing, he made an effort to ask both men and women. However, he still came out with some clangers, such as asking Julianne Moore about Eddie Redmayne's freckles, asking 50 Shades star Dakota Johnson which props she took home, and asking The Theory of Everything nominee Felicity Jones about Stephen Hawking's flirtiness.

My personal favourite though, which sounds like a joke but is too good to make up, would have to be...

When interviewing Birdman actress and presenter Naomi Watts :: "We would like to talk about your frittata. What went into your choices of what to put into the frittata?"

YES. MORE EGG-BASED BREAKFAST QUERIES HOLLYWOOD, I BEG OF YOU.

Yeah, I think we've still got a ways to go.

#AskHerMoreBreakfastQuestions

mamamedia (kind of) liveblogs :: The 2015 Academy Awards

OK, so this is beginning about an hour and a half after the broadcast began. You can thank my darling devil baby for that. DON'T YOU KNOW THAT MAMA HAS AN AWARDS SHOW TO WATCH LIV?! Inconsiderate.

Here we go!

1:30: Why hello, Neil Patrick Harris, you handsome devil. From here on in, he will be referred to as NPH - much quicker.

1:35: ANNA KENDRICK ALERT. What a babe.

1:40: "This side of the room is the other 7 nominees...and American Sniper is Oprah. ...Because you're rich."

1:45: Best Supporting Actor. I backed J.K. Simmons, as did the rest of the world.

1:48: And the Oscar goes to...J.K! One point for me!

1:49: Aww, standing ovation for Simmons, I love that. How sweet.

1:57: Maroon 5 performing "Lost Stars" from the movie Begin Again, nominated for Best Song. It's fine, if a bit flat. That movie though? LOVED it. And I'm not a movie person, so that says a lot.

2:01: Jennifer Lopez presenting Best Costume Design...where have I seen her dress before?!? I swear, someone has worn that to an awards night previously. Hmm.

2:14: As Shirley Maclaine presents some of the nominees for Best Picture, there's a nice shot of Michael Keaton chomping away on his gum. Lovely.

2:18: I've said it before and I'll say it again: LEGO MOVIE WAS ROBBED. Anyway, this is an awesome performance of Everything Is Awesome, which is at least nominated for Best Song. Needless to say, Oprah was feeling it.

2:32: "I'm Not Gonna Miss You" by Glen Campbell, performed by Tim McGraw - TEARJERKER. Written for his family after being diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.

2:36: NPH out on stage in socks & jocks. You've gotta admire his commitment to a bit. But...I mean...with that body...why wouldn't you, is what I'm saying.

2:40: "They are 4 women, and in accordance with California state law, Meryl Streep." A cracking zinger by Jared Leto presenting Best Supporting Actress. I, along with everyone else, backed Patricia Arquette.

2:43: And the Oscar goes to...Patricia Arquette! (YES I PICKED ANOTHER ONE)

2:45: Hey, I just received a shout out in Patricia's speech! (She thanked every woman who has ever given birth...I'm taking it.) She also got a hell of a response from the audience when she ended her speech calling for equality for women. YES GET IT PATRICIA.

2:50: DAMN YOU DONAGHY. Chloe Grace Moretz will always be Kaylie Hooper from
30 Rock to me. The best damn teen villain of all time.

2:56: Zoe Saldana looks criminally good for a woman who has recently birthed twins. Ugh. Just stop it.

3:07: "In Long Walk To Freedom, he liberated South Africa. In Zero Dark Thirty, she brought down Osama bin Laden. In A Million Ways To Die In The West, I pooped in a hat." - NPH.

3:10: OH GOD IN MEMORIAM SECTION SOMEONE GET ME TISSUES.

3:13: This tribute is visually stunning. Simply beautiful design.

3:21: Terrence Howard introducing Best Picture nominees...anyone else getting hints of Joey Tribbiani's toast at Monica & Chandler's wedding? "WHY, GOD, WHY, HOW COULD YOU TAKE THEM AWAY FROM ME?" Take it down a notch, Terry. This isn't an audition.

3:31: Idina Menzel & John Travolta presenting Best Original Song. Squeezing every last drop out of the Adele Dazeem fiasco.

3:34: And the Oscar goes to...GLORY! Yes! Well deserved, congrats to Common & John Legend.

3:36: Powerful speech by Common & John, and totally deserving of their standing ovation.

3:42: Lady Gaga performing a tribute to Sound Of Music...I'm so glad she's just singing now, she's so fucking talented, she doesn't need all the bells and whistles. AND - she is stunningly beautiful. Which you can fail to notice when she's wearing offal as outerwear.

3:46: JULIE. ANDREWS. Bow down bitches. She is aging magnificently. See, ladies of Hollywood, it is OK to age! You can do it!

4:03: The stunning Cate Blanchett out on stage to present Best Actor. Team Eddie!

4:07: And the Oscar goes to...Eddie Redmayne! Aww. He's so happy, it's adorable. I love seeing people unable to contain how freaking excited they are to be holding that little golden man.

4:11: Matthew McConaughey-hey-hey presenting Best Actress. Alright, alright, alright. I saw that the odds this morning were $1.01 for Julianne Moore to take it out...so, y'know, it's a pretty tight race here.

4:14: And the Oscar goes to Julianne, surprising absolutely no one.

4:23: "At the end, it's all about the movies." Sean Penn presenting the final award of the night, Best Picture. And the Oscar goes to...

4:25: ...Birdman! The cast & crew onstage look ecstatic, methinks they'll be hitting the bar hard tonight. Michael Keaton looks like he'd be an awesome drinking buddy. Plus,  you know that man's got some stories. I'd interrogate him for hours about his 30 Rock cameo alone.

And we're out! All done for another year, and overall, it was a very predictable year. Not to say that the winners weren't deserving - incredible performances, all round - but there were no surprises.

See you next awards season!