YES, I KNOW, I KNOW - This premiered 2 weeks ago. I HAVE SO MUCH TV TO CATCH UP ON GUYS IT'S NOT FUNNY I'M DOING MY BEST MY BABY HAS TURNED INTO A DEMON CHILD WHO WON'T SLEEP ANYMORE AND I THINK I'M DYING.
Ahem. As you were.
Up until recently, I hadn't seen a second of the Melbourne Housewives, as - I'll be honest - I was kind of embarrassed for that beautiful city. It's Melbourne! The Paris of the South! It's easy to laugh at the American editions, but much harder when the bitchiness is closer to home.
However, I had picked up tidbits here & there from various recaps & interviews I'd seen about the place. I was aware that a former Silverchair member was involved, and that there had been quite a bit of nastiness surrounding Gina Liano. Other than that, I had no idea. So watching the Season 2 premiere was something of an educational experience. These women are just....well, let's take a look:
:: First of all, our introductions to the housewives are just stellar. Behold:
GINA: I deal in fact, not friction! [BECAUSE SHE'S A SUPER SERIOUS LAWYER PERSON]
LYDIA: I love tradition, but I am no traditional housewife!
JANET: Some people have ups and downs, I have rollercoaster rides!
JACKIE: Make light of me all you want, but I'm still going to shine!
CHYKA: Style is an attitude, not something you can buy. [Code for: I am the most normal one here.]
GAMBLE: Gamble on me and you're sure to win!
PETTIFLEUR: This little flower is no shrinking violet! [HER MADE UP NAME KIND OF MEANS LITTLE FLOWER GUYS GET IT?!]
:: Jackie greeting both Chyka and Lydia with exclamations about how much weight they've lost. Which, let's face it, is what every woman wants shouted in public: YOU WERE SO MUCH FATTER THAN YOU ARE NOW. Also: The fact that Jackie links Lydia's weight loss to her "shagging".
:: Ohhh, so THAT'S how you pronounce Chyka. I had no idea. Is it Chi-KUH? SHY-kuh? CHY-kuh? Shi-KUH? SO MANY POSSIBILITIES.
:: The lighting, hair and makeup in the talking heads segments is just awful. Why does every woman look 10 years older?! Seriously - compare Janet in her TH pieces, to her restaurant scene with Carlos. They look like two different people.
:: "What the hell is wrong with these people?? Go and buy your own bloody shampoo." - Jackie, upon hearing Lydia's shopping list for her PA. I gotta say, I'm liking this gal.
:: ATTN BAKERS: Do you want your clients to stop hassling you for prices? Then give Chris @ LET THEM EAT CAKE a call. He's currently offering classes.
:: Again, what is the deal with the talking heads? Gamble's hair looks like a helmet.
:: "It's important not to let the cork fly out. It's actually a significant danger to eyes." - Gamble's partner Rick, the ophthalmologist. Dude, I hate to break it to you...but you don't need a fancypants degree to know that champagne corks can do some damage to the ol' peepers.
:: "I thought it might be nice to invite her to my birthday party" - Janet. READ: Casting lined this up. I have no idea who this woman is.
:: MASSIVE GENERALISATION ALERT: Every man I have ever known with hair like Pettifleur's son has been a d-bag. Sorry to say. Particularly in the corporate wor- oh, her son is in finance. Ding ding ding.
:: FRIENDZONE LEVEL: PET PIG achieved. Sorry Carlos. Swing and a miss.
NEXT TIME: We go Bentley shopping with TeensyBlossom and there are RUMOURS about Gamble's PAST with MEN. THIS CONFLICT IS TOTALLY ORGANIC AND IS ABSOLUTELY NOT SCRIPTED.
Episode 2 is lined up on my recorder to recap, so you'll probably have that sometime in April. My finger is right on the pulse here ladies and gents.
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