mamamedia recaps :: Episode 4 of The Bachelorette Australia

"If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball." SPOILER: Davey wouldn't be able to dodge a wrench.

No messing around tonight, as we open to Osher entering Bach Manor with the first blue envelope of the episode. The lucky man who will be feeling "first date butterflies" with Sam on tonight's single date is Suave Alex. When the boys discuss what "butterflies" could possibly be referring to, Will offers this: "Things that give me butterflies are extreme rollercoasters...Jumping off things...A bad curry?"

Meanwhile, Sasha, who earlier confessed that his growing feelings for Sam will make it more & more difficult to see her date the other boys, has another idea in mind: "I hope Alex's date is a trip to a preschool where they paint one side of the paper and they make butterflies...and then that's it and he just goes straight back home in a separate car. *to producers* What do you reckon about that? There's a romantic date." Oh, Sash.

SINGLE DATE TIME!

Alex arrives at Airborne Aviation in Camden to find "thrill seeker" Sam waiting alongside two shiny red Tiger Moths. And no, they're not just set dressing, they will be taking to the skies. Whilst this sounds like an absolute blast, I personally would prefer an experience that you are able to share side by side, like a jetboat ride or something. Something that gives you a reason to hold their hand or hide your face in their shoulder.

Here's a tricky one for you: Try and guess who is enjoying this experience more...

Sam?

 

...or Alex?

Once they are safely back on terra firma, Sam & Alex take a drive to the Australian Botanic Gardens in Mount Annan. FUN FACT: This is the largest botanic garden in the country. SECOND FUN FACT: When I was a kid, I spent every Easter Sunday at the Garden with my giant extended family, where we would claim an entire gazebo for ourselves, laze around on the grass, tear around on our bikes, and play games of football and cricket that were far more aggressive than necessary when children are involved, because we are an insanely competitive bunch. Oh, and of course, eat copious amounts of chocolate. It is the site of some of my fondest childhood memories.



Sam's idea of first date small talk? "So have you been everywhere? Or anywhere?" EXCELLENT QUESTION FROSTY. Meanwhile, Alex is just being his normal, charming self. I could fall asleep listening to that soothing English lilt.

DATE TIP: Brushing the hair back is an excellent excuse for some innocent physical contact. And ladies, it works on guys, too! Nice one, Alex. 

After feeling the butterflies, both figurative and literal...

 

...Alex receives not just a rose, but a kiss.

 

Back at the Manor, under some grilling from the rest of the boys, Alex tells of his kiss with Sam...a revelation that leaves Sasha a little shaken. Don't worry Sash, your pash was totes better.

GROUP DATE TIME!

Invited on this weeks group date is Davey, Richie, Sasha, Will, Kayne and Dave. The clue is simply, "Game on." Ooh. Get your game faces on, boys!

The lads arrive at trampoline centre Flip Out! in Castle Hill. These places have been popping up all throughout Sydney over the last few years, but a word of caution: my brother broke a friend's ribs when they collided (they're adults, so don't pity them too much.) Enter at your own risk, is what I'm saying.

Osher informs them that they will be playing a game of 3 on 3 dodgeball...on trampolines. Awesome. The winning team will receive extra time with Sam at a Turkish bath, so the stakes are high. Team captains Davey & Richie then set about doing a schoolyard pick for their teams. Richie seems to have a strategy in mind from the get go, picking Will and Kayne, whereas Davey goes for straight up brawn, picking Sash and Dave.

In the dressing rooms, the boys set about forming a game plan. Take a look at the whiteboard in the Blue changeroom...

Solid.

Despite their cockiness at the start, the Blue team are quickly beaten in the first and second rounds. Rallying in the third, they manage to get at least one win under their belt, before finally falling to Red in the fourth. Poor Sash knew it was all over when Davey was the only man left on the field...

"With Davey the only one left on the court it was do or die, so I basically just went straight back to the changerooms, I knew we were done for."

Much like how the great poets would write odes to war, so does Will pen this masterpiece about the Red victory...

"And I threw that little orange Cheeto

At Davey's stupid head.

And the game was won,

By Red."

And so, to the victors go the spoils, as the Red team and Sam head off for some private time at the Ottoman Turkish Bath in South Granville. Because there's no better way to get to know someone than slathering their near-naked body in mud, amirite? As Richie put it: "It was a romantic and intimate moment...that I shared with another two blokes." As all great romantic moments are, Richie! Will has another take on the matter: "Alex has had the kiss...but we have had the exfoliation."

Speaking of Will, he then gets some private treatment time from the lovely Sam. As he explains, "I've never been on a date where a woman is asking me deep and personal questions about what I want for the rest of my life while she's exfoliating me with an oven mitt."

Lucky Richie then receives some extra-special hot tub time with Sam, as a reward for being the winning captain. Yes Sam, I'm SO SURE that the reason you chose Richie is because he was team captain. Nothing to do with the fact you find him most attractive. Nope. (And this isn't a bad thing, BTW! Just own it! "Richie, you're a babe. Get in that tub!")

COCKTAIL HOUR

Tonight's cocktail party is really all about the gifts. First up is Michael, who has made a "mix tape" for Sam - a cassette case full of "fun facts" about himself. I guess it's a nice way to get to know someone, but it left me a tad underwhelmed.

Cool story bro.

At the other end of the spectrum, we have Sasha, who has decided to show Sam his artistic side, by creating a gift to show her how much he cares. He presents her with an illustration that reads Sam 4 Sasha, which is pretty cute, right?

 

Well hold on, because it gets cuter. First of all, the significance of the giant 4: he knows it is her lucky number. Cute! Then, he points out all of the tiny details contained with the 4, such as her favourite band INXS, the location of their first date, even her brothers and sisters...

The best part though, is when a clearly touched Sam asks "How do you know all this stuff?" and Sash responds "Because I listen when you talk." EVERYONE GO HOME, SASHA WINS.

 

TIME FOR THE ROSES

As the rose ceremony begins, Osher informs us that not one, but two gentlemen will be leaving us tonight. DUN DUN DUNNN.

The final four is pretty predictable - Will, Tony, Davey and Kieran - and if you paid attention to the season preview at the end of the premiere episode, you already know who is leaving: Will and Kieran. Yes, Channel Ten, there is very little suspense when you show Davey & Tony on a date together - a date which has not yet occurred - then put them in the bottom 4. Anyway, whilst I don't have much feeling towards Kieran (he is to The Bachelorette what Rachael was to The Bachelor last season) I find it very sweet how earnestly he seems to hope that Sam finds true love. And of course, I'm sad to see Will go. I love a good oddball.

NEXT TIME: Two men go in, one comes out. Yes, it's time for HUNGER GAMES: DATING EDITION. Also, DAD TEST.

The Bachelorette Australia airs Wednesday & Thursday nights from 7:30pm on Channel Ten. Missed an episode? Catch up here:
Episode 1
Episode 2 - Dave's single date, "leap of faith" group date and HURRICANE HANSEL
Episode 3 - Sasha's single date, puppy photoshoot group date and THE SASH PASH

mamamedia recaps :: Episode 3 of The Bachelorette Australia

SASHA FOR THE WIN.

It's the morning after Hurricane Hansel hit Bach Manor and the boys are discussing the importance of the Bro Code. Sasha announces that "Bro Code was a word for, in my opinion, mutual respect. So, "bro code," we don't even need that anymore, we just need to keep that mutual respect." In other words, we're not going to be subjected to Davey parroting BRO CODE at the cocktail parties anymore. Huzzah! All hail Sash!

Osher then enters with the lucky blue envelope, which invites one lucky man to "start off on the right foot." The date goes to Sasha, who I assume is hoping to get as close to Sam as he currently is to Davey...

 

SINGLE DATE TIME!

Sash meets Sam at what I initially assumed was a neighbouring Hunters Hill mansion, but is in fact Villa Biscaya, a landmark Spanish Mission residence in Rose Bay...so he hasn't just strolled next door, which is nice. Anyway, once there she informs him that they will be getting their groove on, learning an Argentine Tango. In case there are any eagle-eyed So You Think You Can Dance Australia fans here, no, your eyes did not deceive you - Tango instructor Will here competed in Season Three.

As they begin their dance lesson, Sasha ditches his shirt and Sam is clearly unmoved by his totally unimpressive physique...

"YOUR UPPER BODY SITUATION MAKES ME SICK."

They begin to learn their moves, an experience which Sash seems to thoroughly enjoy: "There was a lot of touching of the chest...which I loved, to be perfectly honest." Meanwhile, Sam is struggling to form coherent sentences. Ahh, new love.

Their dance lesson done, Sam & Sasha sit down for a drink and a proper conversation...that is, if Sam is able to get the words out. She explains that she chose Sash for this particular date in the hope that forcing them to be so close will help her get past her nerves when around him. It's basically the date version of exposure therapy. Sasha then opens up about his family, in particular the relationship he has with his mother & stepfather, a story that seems to endear him to Sam even further.

Enough talk, it's time to dance! Sam & Sash pull off a respectable tango, and you can feel the chemistry through the screen. Afterwards, Sasha debates whether or not he should go in for a kiss, and there seems to be an opportunity when Sam pins the rose (oh yeah, he gets a rose AS IF THAT WAS IN DOUBT) on his chest, but alas, he doesn't make a move and has to settle for a peck on the cheek. In my opinion, Sam was definitely lingering longer than necessary, hoping he would take the lead. Ahh well, next time, Sash!

 "Why are you not kissing me right now?!?"
 

GROUP DATE TIME!

Back at the Manor, a second blue envelope has arrived, with the cryptic clue "on this date, I want you to take the lead." The lucky gents who will be taking the lead are Kieran, Richie, Michael, Dave, Will, Tony, Kayne and Davey.

The boys roll up to the Sydney Polo Club to meet Osher & Sam, who explains that, as she is such a massive dog lover, the boys will be posing with puppies in a photoshoot to be published in Who magazine to raise awareness for Save Our Strays. Oh, and they'll be shirtless. Because nothing says "adopt a dog!" like man nipples. Richie's keen: "I'm happy, I'm stoked! I'm looking forward to getting naked, woo!"

You know how they say "never work with children or animals?" Yeah, there's a reason for that...

...like when they decide a game of tug o' war is more fun than posing...

 

...or when they urinate all over the bench you'll be laying on.

Also, who knew Will had this rig hidden underneath his velvet dinner jackets?

Oh, and can we just take a closer look at Tino, who Will named the "cloud with a face..."

This dog is like a living emoji

For those who are interested: Michael was the lucky recipient of one-on-one time with Sam after the shoot. Meh. I am not at all invested in that pairing. WHERE'S SASHA.

 

COCKTAIL HOUR

As the cocktail party begins, we learn that Kayne has a little something up his sleeve with which he hopes to impress the fair maiden. When he finally gets alone time with Sam, we learn that it's...a rap he's written. I'd be lying if I said my initial response wasn't "oof, this should be good..." but it's sweet and Sam seems to enjoy it. Well done, Kanye. ...I actually misspelt that by accident, then realised the context and thought, "never mind, totally works."

Never mind that though, because SASHA'S BACK! Sam has pulled him away from the group - and far away, as Osher shared on Twitter:

Sash tells Sam that she left him wanting more after their date and it starts to feel very much like two awkward teenagers trying to navigate that first pash, as he moves closer and she knocks back the rest of her wine.

THIS IS HAPPENING.

After nervously blathering for a bit, Sasha finally manages to spit out "I just want to kiss you right now." And like the absolute boss she is, Sam cocks a brow, looks him straight in the eyes and replies "You should." BOOM. And what a kiss it is. I'll let Sam take it from here: "Kissing Sasha for the first time, it was...I can't explain it. It was exactly how it was supposed to feel."

TIME FOR THE ROSES!

Going into this rose ceremony, things aren't looking great for Drew the Puppy, after falling hard & fast for Sam, who earlier in the evening mentioned that she's concerned about how "emotionally invested" he is in her already (read: PUMP THE BRAKES DUDE YOU'RE SCARING ME.) In the end, it's Drew and Tony left vying for the final rose. Despite Drew's declaration that "I have no interest in playing the field. Could I be with her, could I take her home, could I be happy with her? Absolutely, no doubt in my mind" it's the puppy that's sent packing. Sam being the sweetheart that she is, walks him out to to the car...possibly to ensure he wouldn't sneak upstairs and throw himself off the roof, unREAL style (spoiler alert.)

NEXT TIME: Alex & Sam take to the skies in their magnificent flying machines. Also, dodgeball.

The Bachelorette Australia airs Wednesday & Thursday nights from 7:30pm on Channel Ten. Missed an episode? Catch up here:
Episode 1
Episode 2 - Dave's single date, "leap of faith" group date and HURRICANE HANSEL

mamamedia recaps :: Episode 2 of The Bachelorette Australia

Dave gets hit for six - BY LOVE, the lads take a leap of faith, and Hansel has his arse handed to him at the cocktail party. It is DELICIOUS.

Unlike Sammy Wood, who would open most episodes with any number of outdoor activities (whilst shirtless, natch) the lovely Sammy Frost here seems to have her own M.O: strolling along harbourfront beaches in snuggly sweaters and ripped jeans.

Over at Bach Manor, the boys are displaying their own dazzling array of sartorial hits & misses...

Like a snuggly cardigan (SO SUAVE)...

...a douchey hat...

 

...a douche in a hat (but at least his collar isn't popped)...

 

...and a masterful display in clashing colours & pattens. Ten points for the man-scarf.

Osher enters with the first date card (no more golden envelopes guys...because boys can't have gold envelopes, OBVIOUSLY. Only blue for these manly men.) The lucky dude to score the first single date with Sam is plumber Dave. This is good news for Hansel David, who had previously said "I don't actually think I want the first date...I'd rather her get to know a few other guys first. I want her to sift through all the unnecessary things first. She should get to know a few of the other guys before I have my date with her and then once she reaches me, she has someone to compare to." Well. Make of that what you will. *cough cough TOOL cough* Damn tickle in my throat, right?

 

SINGLE DATE TIME!

Dave's invitation had said it's "time to stand your ground" and this cryptic clue starts to make a bit of sense when their helicopter touches down in the middle of the Sydney Cricket Ground. I had to have a bit of a giggle here, as it would have been far quicker for them to just drive from Hunters Hill to the SCG, rather than drive to Sydney Airport to then jump in a chopper. Ahh well. That's romance for you, innit. Unnecessary expenses & carbon emissions.

Once they land, Sam introduces Dave to Australian fast bowler Doug Bollinger, who he will be facing out in the middle. Eep. TBH, I'd much rather be drinking Bollinger than facing one on the pitch. We are then treated to a scene in the changeroom that was clearly orchestrated to allow Sam a gander at the goods...and possibly an opportunity to make a box joke.

DON'T ACT LIKE YOU'RE NOT IMPRESSED.

Back at the Manor, Kieran enters with another blue envelope, inviting Drew, Richie, David, "Big Tone," Kieran, "Big Sash," Kayne & Michael to "take a leap of faith" on the first group date with Sam. Sasha and Drew are both quietly packing it, as they have a fear of heights and jumping into water, respectively. Good luck boys. You'll need it.

Speaking of packing it, we're back at the SCG and Dave is at the crease, staring down the barrel of a professional fast bowl. Oh, and that girl he needs to impress on national TV. NO PRESSURE DAVE. After a few balls, Doug raises the stakes: hit a boundary, get a kiss. Ooooh....

NO PRESSURE DAVE.

...Lucky for Dave, he cracks a four and lands the first kiss of the season (I wonder how many takes that took, eh? THE MAGIC OF EDITING.) After the sun has set (what were they doing in the meantime?) they relax with a cosy picnic set up in the middle of the pitch. This is actually a pretty awesome date, not many people can say they've faced an over from a profesh fast bowler, let alone had a glass of red in a deserted SCG at night. Dave proves himself to be a bit of a legend and tells Sam that no matter what, he just hopes that this journey works out well for her and that she's happy in the end. Aww. Normally you only see contestants voice that sentiment once they've been eliminated. Unsurprisingly, Dave receives a rose. Howzat!

 

GROUP DATE TIME!

The gang meets up with Osher and Sam on the banks of the Hawkesbury River, as Osh explains that, as Sam took a leap of faith in coming on the show, so shall they be taking a leap...off a cliff...into the river...12 metres below. FUN!

As the boys (wet)suit up, Hansel begins to panic, saying "Deep down, I don't feel that I need to prove myself in this way to her...I've never even worn a wetsuit before in my life! I can't breathe!"

Forget Blue Steel, this year it's all about Soiled Neoprene. SO HOT FOR FALL.

Sasha's the first up to the edge, and despite wrestling with his phobia (his idea of a pep talk: "Neck up, you parrot!" which is a line I am totally stealing for myself) he makes the jump. Huzzah! #SashaFTW. My favourite part though? When the camera catches Osher having to drag Sam back from the edge. According to Mr Gunsberg, their safety officer was losing his shit as she inched closer to the verge.

After a stream of gents fling themselves over the edge, it's time for David to take the leap. After explaining how, being Polish, he hasn't spent a great deal of time around water, he tells Sam that "I'm just going to imagine that you're in there drowning." Rather than taking this as a sweet motivation for him to jump - "Aww, he's pretending he's saving my life! My hero!" etc etc - Sam seems quite taken aback, thinking it's more like a "picture the audience naked" kind of calming thing. Oof. Good one, dude.

But if you thought that was tough, it's nothing compared to Drew's struggle. Obviously racked by a genuine fear of jumping into water, he is physically unable to make the leap, even going so far as to start a run up, then digging his heels in as he hits the edge. At this point, Sam becomes visibly upset, urging Drew to not push himself to do something for her that he's not comfortable doing. I have to wonder if there was something that Sam or another bachelorette forced herself to do for Blake in their season that they weren't comfortable with. It would explain why she's so empathetic to Drew's situation, and why she's so opposed to him forcing himself to do it.

It's not all bad though, as Sam decides to reward Drew for his bravery in even attempting the jump by taking him away for some one-on-one time. As they relax by a fire, they begin to swap war stories, with Sam referring to her ex-fiance as "our dear friend Blake" which made me laugh. Drew's a bit of a lovesick puppy here, telling Sam "you're brilliant, you're really just brilliant...I'm just besotted...like, wow..." Which is a pretty big thing to say to a girl in, what, your third conversation together?

 

COCKTAIL HOUR!

As the cocktail party begins, the boys all agree that the Bro Code is still in force and they will respect each others time with Sam. Awesome. Except...not. There's always one, isn't there. As Sam chats to Michael, David confronts Kayne & Kieran, urging them to interrupt: "Time is of the essence mate...He's a football player with tattoos and he's fucking rich and he's successful mate, don't worry, he doesn't need the fucking time." Well, someone went from 0 to 100 mighty fast! My mum and I actually have a theory that David is harbouring a secret attraction to Michael, and is so confused by his special new feelings that he's overcompensating by lashing out at him. TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE, amirite? Anyway, after Kayne refuses to break the Code, David takes matters into his own hands, sauntering into Sam & Mike's convo. Eep. This is where it turns super awkward, as rather than just admitting he wants to cut in, he asks if they need anything and if he can offer anything to their conversation. I think Kayne's face says it best...

"Oh, it's awkward. Oh, it's SO AWKWARD."

GUYS IT JUST GETS WORSE. Rather than being, y'know, truthful, David then tells Sam that "I actually wasn't only thinking of myself, some of the boys have voiced some concerns...they feel that the night is kind of at a late hour and none of them have the confidence to come up and go, 'Hey, Mikey, we know that you're a successful football player...'" I would love to see how that sentence ended. Mike & Sam seem as flabbergasted as the rest of us at David's explanation, which would be hilarious if it weren't so offensive to both Sam and Michael. Not to mention all the other men, who are outraged by this flagrant violation of the Bro Code. I honestly love how seriously they're taking this...

I'm pretty sure the words "he's dead to me" were uttered.

Hansel has scored some one-on-one time with Sam, but little does he know that he's walked into a lions den, with Sam wasting no time in tearing him a new one: "Y'know what? I gotta break it to you: Anyone who feels threatened by him...that is their own insecurities and I think that it's a load of rusbbish that anyone would have this theory that I care about materialistic bullshit, which I don't. At all. I am the last person on the planet that would date someone for their status. That is the most offensive thing anyone can say about me...if that's what kind of person you think I am, then you can leave." BOOM. Bow down bitch!

WE ARE NOT WORTHY.

Richie then chimes in with the understatement of the century...

Best performance of the night though goes to the San Francisco hat David had earlier presented to Sam, left behind on the couch after she departs. So forlorn.

Who knew a discarded snapback could be so DRAMATIC. This moment is so delicious I want to bathe in it. Ahh, feels so good on my skin!

 

TIME FOR ROSES!

And there's no prizes for guessing who will be leaving us tonight, with David of course failing to receive a rose. What wasn't expected though, was what happens next. First of all, rather than his normal "please take the time to say your goodbyes" send off, Osher offers a terse "you'll be leaving us tonight" followed by the GREATEST filthy look over the shoulder you ever did see...

NOBODY MESSES WITH MY GIRL.

Even more gobsmacking is David's reaction, telling Sam: "I'm actually reasonably happy not to receive a rose tonight. I think you misinterpreted the whole situation. I think you judged a little bit too quickly. I think you actually made a mountain out of a molehill." At this point, Sam cut him off with a beautifully sardonic "it's been a pleasure." Adorably, the remaining boys band around her, with Richie calling her brave, Alex assuring her that they don't share David's views, and ending in a group hug. What legends.

NEXT TIME: Sasha takes centre stage on a sexy tango date with Sam. TEAM SHASAM 4EVAAA.

The Bachelorette Australia airs Wednesday and Thursday nights from 7:30pm on Channel Ten. Missed an episode? Catch up here:
Episode 1

mamamedia recaps :: The Season Premiere of The Bachelorette Australia

The Bachelorette: REDEMPTION EDITION begins!

After her heart was so publicly stomped on by Blake "LOVE RAT" Garvey, Sam Frost is back for Round Two. But this time, she's in the drivers seat. Yay for ladies having the power for once!

I wasn't particularly a fan of Sam's during the 2014 season - I was totally #TeamLaurina, you know I love me a drama queen - but I couldn't help but jump on the Samwagon after the aforementioned dumping. She handled it all like an absolute champion.

We start with a quick rundown of the Heartbreak of 2014, in which Sam appears to still be quite broken about the whole ordeal. I can't even imagine how difficult an experience that must have been for her to endure on the public stage. Unlike Bachelors prior, who I feel have the tendency to come across a bit like puppets reading from cue cards, Sam seems very genuine in front of the cameras, and there is a sense of fragility around her that is instantly endearing. TREAT HER RIGHT, GENTLEMEN.

This moment of honest vulnerability almost brought me to tears. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER SAM

As Osher welcomes us back to Bach Manor, we are introduced to a few of the lucky lads who will be vying for Sam's heart: Richie, a rope access technician (read: professional abseiler) who wants to find "someone that wants to grab life by the coattails" which is only the first of the butchered idioms that will appear in tonight's episode. Sigh. You don't grab coattails dude, you ride them.

Next is Sasha, a senior project engineer who is looking for love. He's also a mama's boy: Cha-CHING. In my experience, boys who love their mums treat their women right. If a guy doesn't get along with his mother, RUN. "I've got cars, I've got a successful career, but I'd trade that all in in a second to find that one special person and start a family." Double cha-CHING right here. Sash, you're ticking boxes dude.

We then meet Michael, a professional soccer player who has represented Australia in the Socceroos and at the Olympics. Ooh, professional athlete...they do have a reputation. For some reason, we're then treated to a slo-mo shower scene. Alrighty then.

Relevant.

Davey, a carpenter from the Northern Beaches, says that when people first meet him they think he's annoying. Good to know, considering you're heading into a cocktail party that completely relies on that first impression.

Speaking of, it's cocktail hour! Osher & Sam have a lovely moment where it's clear that he genuinely hopes she finds someone on this journey - you know that he was totally #TeamSam. I like to think these two have had some epic bitch sessions about Blake behind closed doors.

The men are starting to arrive: First up is Dave, a plumber from Sydney who seems to be a lovely - if nervous - guy. Alex is a 35 year old financial consultant. And English. I do love me a suave Brit. Plus, he's a sexy bald guy. I've got a thing for sexy bald guys. He also thought to bring Sam a pair of flats for when her feet start to hurt. Oh, nice one! What a gentleman.

This man knows how to put a suit together. Just look at that colour & pattern combo!

Young Davey is up next, who calls the experience "nerve-breaking." Dude, it's "nerve-racking." Sigh. He then tells Sam he's not used to wearing a suit and that he feels like he could get nipple rash. Oh god. I do like that Sam offers her own running commentary as the guys leave, assumedly directed towards a producer standing to the side.

We then meet Hansel David, who confirms that yes, the rumours are true, he IS an international model. But guys! He's more than just a pretty face! I mean, he uses the word "conflictuous!" Yep. Another red flag: He talks about "playing the game" rather than finding love. GET HIM OUTTA THERE SAM YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR GAMES.

Smug smarminess: SO HOT FOR FALL.

Mr Frontrunner finally arrives, and can I just say - I LOVE SASHA SO MUCH ALREADY GUYS. I tell you, if I weren't married...and if he weren't possibly shacking up with Sam right now...yeah, he's totally my type. He makes Sam a serviette rose, and Sam gets all tongue-tied and giggly. After he makes to leave, she pulls him back - GOOD SIGN SASH. When he eventually leaves, she whispers "Now we're talking." I love these two so much already. I swear, if Ten is setting me up for another Heather-sized disappointment, I will drive to Hunters Hill and burn the Manor down I will be most displeased.

I love that every guy receives the same send off from Sam: "Go inside, have a drink and relax!" Read: GO GET LIQUORED UP AND PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN.

I won't go through the rest of the batch in detail, because none of them are particularly that exciting...but I do have to draw attention to Will here, who...yeah, he's a special one. But he seems to make a good impression, with Sam saying "I love Will! He just seems like an absolute sweetheart."

Inside the Manor, the boys all start sizing each other up. Since everything sounds better with an English accent, let's listen to Suave Alex introduce us to the Three D's: "So there's three Daves, right? There's Dave: he's got a way with words which only an Australian can transmit. [CUT TO DAVE: "Just think of your best mate trying to get to know a broad, then like, you go over and snatch her, mate you'd be devo."] There's Davey, he's a gregarious fellow, let's put it that way. And then there's David. He's the supermodel, who knows what's going on inside his head [CUT TO DAVID: "Sometimes I feel like I think too much...but I don't."]...he seems to love moisturising products..." A beautifully succint summary of 3D.

Sam then enters and becomes genuinely emotional when thanking the gents and talking about last year's experience with He Who Shall Not Be Named. I'm really loving how natural she's coming across, like I said earlier, Blake & Sam often seemed semi-scripted.

The boys decide to set some ground rules: The Bro Code. Namely, no bro is to interrupt another bro's one-on-one time with Sam. Alex summarises the Code as "it's about not cutting anyone's lunch" and, OK, I know that the idiom is "cut another guy's grass" but I do love the image of a bloke lovingly slicing his mate's sandwich.

Of course, when Sam pulls Dave away for a chat, David immediately starts plotting when he'll cut in. There's one in every bunch, isn't there. The other guys tell him he can't - WHAT ABOUT THE CODE! - so David calls them a bunch of pussies and says that "someone's gonna have to start playing the game." WHAT A LOVELY GUY HE IS. And also, IT'S NOT A GAME, IT'S HER LIFE. Seriously, guys, stop talking about "the game!!!"

After David lurks in the shadows for a sufficient amount of time, he gets time with Sam to prove that he's more than just a model. How does he do this exactly? Well...he basically talks about being a model. Oh, and that he was born in Poland, so the lucky, lucky lady who becomes Mrs Hansel will receive a European passport. And doesn't Sam just seem SUPER IMPRESSED with that little carrot he's dangling?

"I know the producers will want me to keep you around but UGH I JUST WANT TO PUNCH YOU RIGHT IN YOUR SMARMY LITTLE FACE."

Meanwhile, we have a bit of a Crazy Eyes situation developing here: young Davey is mildly panicked about the first impression he made on Sam and is desperate to rectify it (anyone getting flashbacks to Anal Glands Laura here?) When he finally sits down with Sam and she asks why he's here, he mentions that he's "always had bad relationships"...a throwaway comment that Sam immediately jumps on, because she's no fool. As he rattles off his numerous girlfriends, she mentions that it's "concerning" that he seems to go through girlfriends, and that rather than coming across as a "relationship guy" he appears to be a "ladies man." Oh, but it gets better: when asked to tell her his pickup line, Davey replies: "Smile if I can kiss you!" Yeahhhh....nope.



YAY WE'RE BACK TO SASHA! Because I'm a total stalker, I've done a bit of digging on Mr Sash here, and found that he shares a ridiculous amount of similar characteristics with my darling B: mama's boy, rugby player, German heritage, F1 fan, to name a few...so now I guess it all makes sense why he's so attractive to me. (And that is my way of saving my arse just in case dear husband happens to read this. Hi honey! Love you!)

Anyway, Sam continues to stumble over her words in Sasha's presence, but not in an uncomfortable way, in a really adorable, first date kind of way. She's obviously feeling the connection, because once again she stops him from leaving early, before hopping up to grab the first rose of the evening. YAY! #TEAMSHASAM! (...see what I did there? Like SHAZAM, but with Sha and Sam instead? Hey? Hey?)

Rose (boutonnière) ceremony time! I get why the guys are given boutonnières and not long stemmed roses...but gosh do the tiny blossoms look awkward in Sam's hands.

Hansel David continues to be ridiculous: "If you were to compare this to my work in the big, bad fashion world, me versus 13 guys...that's actually relatively easy for me." Umm, what exactly is he comparing here?!? He then declares that he's confident, but not putting himself on a pedestal. Surrrre you're not. Oh, Hansel. Never change.

In the end, Crazy Eyes Davey is in the final three with Shane, who rode in on a skateboard, and Luke, who...I can't remember much of at all, to be honest with you. Davey receives the final rose and, I have to say, these unlucky lads handle it beautifully, both seeming genuinely hopeful that Sam finds love. Aww. Kudos, gentlemen!

NEXT TIME: Never mind what happens in the rest of the episode, because at the cocktail party Sam goes in HARD when Hansel disrespects her and/or the man she's chatting to. BOW DOWN.

The Bachelorette Australia airs Wednesday and Thursday nights from 7:30pm on Channel Ten.