BETTER LATE THAN NEVER :: Highlights from Episode 9 of Real Housewives Of Melbourne

GAH I KNOW, IT'S COMICAL HOW LATE THESE ARE NOW BEING POSTED. I'm rolling with it though. I'm a stubborn so-and-so and am determined to see the season through!

:: "Jackie has definitely had a recent obsession with saying couture. Everything's couture. I don't know why she keeps saying it." Ben Gillies, we're all with you on that one. 

:: And now it's time for Lydia to unveil her masterpiece of a newly renovated home. I have to say, she - or more likely, the crew of contractors that would have put it together - has done a beautiful job. I am majorly coveting the oversize ornate mirror and leather chairs in her sitting room...although the height of her book stacks basically says "these books will never be read again."

GET IN MY HOUSE ALREADY.

:: "Taken out of contents." - Oh Gamble. Dear, sweet, Gamble. It's "context" honey.

:: I do wish they hadn't set up the Gamble-Pig Boy Carlos confrontation (because we know the producers had a hand in this) at the launch of Janet & Jake's tea range. Obviously, it was a plot point that needed to happen, but surely there were more appropriate events at which it could have occurred than at the launch for a charity product inspired by a young man's tragedy. As for Carlos: I can't stand people who run their mouths but then don't have the balls to back themselves when called on it. Stop trying to weasel your way out of it dude, just give them a straight answer and they'll leave you alone. All this hemming and hawwing just makes you look like you've made it all up. Also, have I mentioned how played out this damn storyline is? I mean...God. Move on already.

That'll do, Pig Boy. That'll do.

::  "Pettifleur loves the word stupid, she calls everybody stupid. Well...takes one to know one." - Gina Liano, criminal barrister. That is all.

:: "I'm the Imelda Marcos of Melbourne!" - So you also were married to a corrupt president and financed a lavish lifestyle with millions of dollars of public funds? What a plot twist!

:: "Whether she has the expertise to run a business, we'll see." - Lydia questioning Gina's business nous. Lydia, who thinks "seventy-oneth" is a thing, questioning barrister Gina, who has worked in the fashion industry with her sisters as far back as 1985. Yeah, I'm sure Gina is the novice here. Totally.

:: Oh hai there, shiny new Tempest. Quick thought: I'm not sure that it's the best idea to be drinking champagne when you've just undergone surgery...Putting aside issues with the effects drinking whilst taking pain medication, alcohol exacerbates swelling and bruising...anyway, each to their own. For all I know, it was sparkling apple juice. You do you, ladies.

This is where $50,000 worth of surgery gets you, BTdubs.

:: A verbatim quote from Janet: "I didn't care if she named a shoe after me, but I wanted a good shoe! I don't want an ugly shoe, why do I always get the nana shoe? I don't wear those shoes, that's not my shoe, I don't want that shoe." - THE WORD SHOE HAS LOST ALL MEANING.

In case you were wondering what these supposedly godawful "nana" shoes looked like...yes, my grandmother gets around in wheels JUST like these!

:: "I'm going to name our bowel cleansing tea 'Gina'." - Janet's comeback to the shoe debacle. Nice one, Roach!

:: A final word on this shoe name fiasco: I've had a quick look at Gina's website, and it appears that a few of the names have indeed been changed. The Janet and Lydia shoes are still available, but there is no Gamble or Jackie, Chyka has been changed to Cheeky as requested, and Pettifleur is now Petite Fleur. And in what I assume is a nod to this season, there is also a Barbie heel. Nice one Liano.

:: Finally, I would just like to point out how SMOKING Jackie looked at her garden party. It might just be the best she's ever looked, she should do the Vargas girl thing more often. Mr Gillies is a lucky man.

Va va VOOM.

NEXT TIME: TeensyBlossom's book is finally dropping and of course, drama ensues at the launch party. Speaking of drama and parties, it's time for Gamble's hens night and OMGWHATASHOCK the rumours are back. As Jackie would say, BORE-ZO.

Catch up on previous Season 2 recaps here...
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6
Episode 7
Episode 8

mamamedia recaps :: Episode 5 of Married At First Sight

Will all four couples still be standing by the end of tonight's episode? LET'S WATCH.

With seven days left of the experiment, we open to Lachlan returning to his farm after last week's blow up with Clare. Whilst he still seems to be fuming about Clare's lack of compromise, she appears devastated, saying that Lachlan is the most important thing in her life. Aww. Considering she's only known him for three weeks, that's a pretty big statement.

Down in Melbourne, Alex is heading into the city to see how his other half lives (Zing!). Our fair tradie sums up the CBD thusly: "Big city life...like, architects and office people and accountants..." So...not a fan, I take it? Although he does say that, despite finding the city annoying, "Zoe's a city girl and I'm going to do all I can to be with her." AWW. I want these crazy kids to make it. When confronted with her apartment though, he hilariously assumes she's been robbed. "Where'd all your stuff go?" Ahh, city living. How I miss it. Zoe then takes Alex to visit the NGV...or, as he calls it, the National Gah-llery of Art. Adorably though, he seems to really get into it. I LOVE THEM GUYS. #TeamZolex

On the other side of the coin, we now visit our most troubling match: Roni & Mike. Things have gotten to the point where they are now receiving a home visit from Psych Sabina. Roni admits that she was bothered by seeing how close the other couples were at the dinner party, and Mike believes that their problem is because they skipped the "fun" part of a relationship. I get what he's saying, but in my opinion, when it's right? It's always fun, no matter how long you've been together. Just a different kind of fun - less dates and flowers, more "in jokes" and intimacy. Case in point: B & I were in stitches last night taking turns licking the rind on a wheel of Brie. It's really weird guys, you should try it. It's like velvet, but not? Anyway. YOU WISH YOU WERE US.

Truly, a picture of wedded bliss

Back in Sydney and Clare is now making a mad dash for Cawdor to try & smooth things over with Lachlan. Good move girl! And it seems to pay off, as they stroll around hand in hand, and Lachlan admits it's given him a "tingle up his spine." You know she's really trying to impress though, as she leaps onto the flat tray to feed his cows. That's love.

Meanwhile, Roni & Michael are doing what all couples going through a rough patch should do: hit up a trivia night and plaster on happy faces for a roomful of people. Sounds like a fun night right? And just take a look at Mick's face - he's loving it!!

 BEST. NIGHT. EVAAAA.

Zoe has apparently taken the day off work to play housewife for Alex...although, why she needs a whole day to cook a pre-prepared roast chicken & vegetables...Anyway, whilst it seems to be a happy household when they sit down to dinner, it takes a turn verrrry quickly when Zoe cracks a joke about being a housewife and Alex snaps. He storms out the door, leaving Zoe as shocked & confused as the rest of us...

"What just happened??"

After taking an undisclosed amount of time out, Alex returns, explaining how he was offended by the idea of her thinking that he was just in this to find someone to clean up after him. She apologizes for her joke, but also explains that she is "deeply bothered" by people walking out. Psych Sabina then jumps in to explain how adoptees can carry abandonment issues into relationships and oh shit, I had completely forgotten that she was adopted. Yeah, mayyybe put a lid on the impromptu time-outs, dude.

Across town, Roni & Mick have sat down to play a game of "relationship cards" which is not as sexy as you might think. No Never Have I Ever here, guys. You know what, they should play this in the car. It's so much easier to have difficult conversations in the car, because you're not forced to keep eye contact. It's actually recommended as a way for parents to get through to their teenagers. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. The cards seem to be working well, until they get to this awesome Q: "What are you afraid to tell your partner?" Mick then decides to spill the beans, telling Roni that he doesn't see them being together forever, and that he's not in love with her. Good on him for finally being honest with her, but...Ouch. Poor Ron.

Dr Trisha is the recipient of this week's No Shit Sherlock Award for this clanger: "When our partner says to us 'I don't love you', we feel rejected." OH REALLY? See, this is why you're the doctor.

And with that, it's over: Roni quickly packs up her mountain of belongings and leaves her ring behind. Mick actually seems a bit crushed by this, I really feel for him. As she drives away from their marital abode, she seems hopeful for the future, saying that she still believes in the fairytale. Good luck to the two of them, I hope they find their special someones.

The remaining three couples are now nearing the end of their time together, so Alex has decided to pull out all the stops for Zoe, setting up a romantic picnic in front of a roaring fire. He confesses that she's changing him for the better, and that he wants to be a better person because of her. Zoe then decides to go all in, and tells him that she's falling in love with him. JUST LOOK HOW CUTE:

#TeamZolex

The next segment has been billed as "meeting the in-laws" but...didn't they all meet at the weddings? Anyway. First up, James & Michelle are headed to Canberra to see James' parents and, well, it's not a very happy couple we're seeing, as they're running late. Ugh, I feel you Mish - my husband snaps at me too for making us late. It is interesting though how little of them we've seen since the news broke that Michelle has remarried. It's as though the show has been re-cut in the hope that we'll just sort of forget about them.

Zoe & Alex are spending the day with Alex's parents in the beautiful Dandenong Ranges, taking a ride on what appears to be the funnest train EVER. Not too much to report on here, as she seems to hit it off with her new in-laws, cooking sausages with Dad and impressing Mum with her sense of humour & fondness for Alex. Go Zo!

Clare & Lachlan are visiting his mother, who seems to be very happy with this little union, saying that she hasn't seen him this happy in a long time. And then she started to cry. Nice one Clare, you made her cry! Seriously though, get the MIL on side and you're sweet.

Unfortunately though, as seems to happen every episode with these two, it soon turns sour. Back at the house, Clare becomes upset when she thinks that Lachlan isn't showing her enough affection. Lachlan's reasoning is that he doesn't like being affectionate in front of his mother. My husband is the same, and in both cases it comes purely from a place of respect for the parent - not lack of love or attraction. Clare then says something very telling: "It's hard to dissociate from your past. A lot of my past, I was invisible to people. I wasn't loved."

And here is where I make a passionate defence of poor Clare: I'm sure she's absolutely copping it on social media for coming across as a bit of a psycho, but the way I see it? She's just a woman desperately hoping for true love, who has been mistreated in the past. The way she seems to react so emotionally to Lachlan rejecting her affection tells me that she's been criticized for it, or it's been rejected, in the past. As much as we think we move on from our exes, there are some things that we can't help but carry forwards into future partnerships, and I think this is what's happening for Clare. I truly feel for her and I hope she's being supported right now, because it can't be easy for her to see the public response.

I just want to give her a cuddle!

Back in Canberra, James is getting his pout on once again after learning that his family farm is being sold. I take umbrage with a comment of his though: he tells Michelle that he's had his three month dose of family, because it takes him three months to get over a visit. That would be my cue to divorce him, quite frankly. My family is such a big part of my life, I can hardly go three weeks between visits, let alone months. Anyway, I guess we're all different. And it is a beautiful property, so I can see why he'd be upset...

We end on a not-so-happy note with Clare & Lachlan, seemingly still at odds. And it doesn't look great for them, with Lachlan apparently telling Clare that if she has one more "dummy spit", they're done. Eep. I have concerns for these two.

NEXT WEEK: The experiment comes to an end and our couples will have to decide, in the iconic words of The Clash, should I stay or should I go? EXCITEMENT.
 
Married At First Sight airs 8:50pm AEST Monday night on Channel Nine. Catch up on past recaps here:
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4

Welcome To The Wine Bar 19.06.2015

Friday, Friday, gotta drink wine on Friday...

Hello friends! How have you been?

My household has been a pretty miserable one this week, after Liv picked up a nasty cold at playgroup and then passed it on to B and me. Such a considerate baby, sharing her germs. She came out it of far better than us though, I haven't been that sick in a long time.

Which is why it's been a bit quiet around here this week, I've tried to start a few posts but my head hasn't been up to staring at a screen and stringing comprehensible sentences together.

Although it hasn't been a total write-off of a week: I managed to secure an Australia's Next Top Model mentor for my employ...

Which reminds me, are you following me on Twitter - @mamamedia_au - yet? If not, rectify that immediately. Here's the link! I mean, if Dirty Laundry Live thinks I'm funny enough to appear onscreen TWICE last night...

Currently updating my CV to show "As seen on TV with Joel Creasey and Brooke Satchwell"

Anyway, enough of my Twitter related boastings, how was your week? Dish dish dish.

Oh, and hello to any of you Irish lovelies who were popping up in my audience stats this past week! I don't know if I've ever met one of your countrymen and not found them absolutely delightful. FUN FACT: I wanted to be an Irish dancer when I was a little girl. I thought it was the coolest thing EVER.

Have a great weekend everyone!

mamamedia recaps :: Episode 4 of Married At First Sight

The big dinner blow up has arrived! Let's watch!

Our married couples are now settling into domestic bliss, as seen at Zoe & Alex's, where they are discussing household duties. Alex explains his underwear theory: the more you buy, the less you need to do laundry. GENIUS. I actually love doing laundry, it's my favourite chore...which is a good thing when you have a baby, because it never. ever. ends. Anyway, Zoe agrees to take the first load, although she acknowledges that Alex's turn will most probably never come, because that's just how men work.

"So...this is marriage, eh?"

Over to Roni & Mick's now, where the awkward tension is palpable. I have concerns about these two. Things aren't looking good. Roni expresses her fear that she likes Michael more than he likes her and whilst I don't know whether or not that's true, he definitely seems to have reservations.

After last weeks confrontation, Zoe is making an effort to learn about Alex's life and has showed up to his work site...in heels. But hey! She's trying! After taking a stroll around the site, Zoe remarks that seeing Alex operating machinery is "sexy." Later on at dinner, they discuss how often they think couples should have sex. Zoe believes a healthy amount is 4-5 times a week, taking Alex by surprise. His response? "I didn't know I was married to a hornbag!" Zoe retorts "I didn't realise I was married to an old man!" Touche. I really like these two together, they seem to have turned a corner this week.

Michael has left Roni at home for the night while he goes out with the boys. His main concern seems to be that there's no distance between him & Roni for the heart to grow fonder. He adds that whilst he's committing to the process, he doesn't know if there's a spark between them. Uh oh. Can I just say though - Roni, if you & Mick don't work out, you can come to my place and we'll iron & drink wine together.

My idea of a fun night, right here.

Now that the experiment has hit the halfway point, it's time for the four couples to meet at a dinner party. I'm sorry, but all I can think of when I hear the phrase "dinner party" is Cheryl from Archer...I hope there's some Archer fans here...

"Ooooohhh, elegant dinner partyyyyy!"

The couples seem like they're looking forward to meeting each other and getting the chance to compare their relationships, although a very snuggly Alex & Zoe admit that they're hoping to stir the pot...a prescient little bit of story telling, perhaps?

"We're going to make them cry." Oh Alex, you have no idea...

Roni & Michael are picking up the booze for the party. After selecting a case of beer, 3 bottles of red and 3 bottles of white, she questions whether she has enough. For a dinner for eight. I'm liking this woman more and more. I want to go to her dinner parties. GET IN THE GAME MIKE SHE'S A KEEPER.

We learn that psychologists John & Sabina are playing peeping Toms at this party, in order to analyse the connections forming between our husbands & wives. John notes that he will be looking for three key things:
1. How they communicate to each other and about each other to the group;
2. Any physical affection; and
3. How they side with each other, particularly if there are any disagreeements between the couples. Again, prescient.

Creepers.

"I hope Clare and I have the deepest connection, the deepest love." FIRST L BOMB OF THE SEASON GOES TO LACHLAN.

All four couples have now arrived at the ELEGANT DINNER PARTYYY (seriously, please Youtube that Archer reference so you know what I'm talking about) and are getting to know each other. Just as John says that he would be concerned if a partner were to make sarcastic or teasing remarks about their spouse to the group - SUCH a coincidence - Mick starts making cracks about Roni's cooking and her being a "lady of leisure". Mmm. Not a super strong move dude.

As Clare & Lachlan prepare dinner together, the other three couples swap stories from their wedding days. Alex tells of his first kiss dilemma: "Do I go French, or major French?" This show asks the important questions of our time.

And speaking of major French...

Back in the dining room and Roni has been left alone with the snugglers, Alex & Zoe. After they regale her with tales of their koala cuddles (which, don't get me wrong - adorable), they ask her how she's going with Michael and basically destroy any sense of security she had in her relationship. You can practically see it in her eyes: WHY DOESN'T HE LOVE ME LIKE THAT.

Dinner is now served and the polite conversation continues. But as is so often the case, the most innocuous seeming comment can completely blow shit up. Whilst talking about their wedding day nerves, Zoe remarks that she thinks that nerves are a good sign, as it means that you're invested. Well, didn't that get under Roni's skin. Here she is attempting not to rip Zoe's hair out...

"Bitch, what?"

Conversation then turns to annoying habits, and when Zoe expresses disbelief that James & Michelle can't find anything annoying about each other, it seems to be one generalisation too far for poor Roni and she snaps.

Meanwhile, James and Michelle are wishing they were ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW. 

Unfortunately, no one seems to side with her...not even Michael, who tells her repeatedly that she's mistaken and to just relax. Methinks someone needs to give Mike a copy of the Husband Handbook. ALWAYS SIDE WITH THE MRS. Roni retreats to the powder room for a quick cry and confessional (A highlight: "I'm really proud...of me.")

The men and women now separate for more "intimate" conversations. After Mick distances himself from Roni's outburst, the topic turns to matters of the bedroom. OOOOH! Alex announces that they had sex on the second night and Zoe admits to the girls that "it's good...yeah...it's really good." Michelle says that she's not the type to kiss & tell, but that "what we have is amazing and I didn't prepare myself for how good things were going to be." As Psych Sabina notes, "for someone that doesn't kiss and tell, she's told."

"Hahaha, SEX"

Clare dances around the topic, saying coyly "let's just say that the bed is not cold on a winter's night." Lachlan isn't as backwards in going forwards, it seems, when he remarks "I can't believe you didn't consummate the marriage on the first night." Roni & Michael, as expected, are less forthcoming. Mick refuses to discuss the subject, out of respect for Roni and "her situation" which, I assume, is in reference to her ex-husband. Roni admits that she's struggling that they are taking so much time to "build their intimacy."
 

Back in the hotel room afterwards, Roni & Mick debrief (not in the underwear sense...) and she tells him she was disappointed that he didn't stick up for her in front of the group. Michael maintains that she shouldn't have blown up. Roni's response? "It doesn't matter, I'm your wife!" You can't argue with that Mick!

Such a loving look of total exasperation slash too much vino.

Our couples are now back to the realities of married life. Clare & Lachlan are still having issues with their living arrangements, namely that Lachlan is having to run a cattle farm remotely from Clovelly, because when it comes to visiting the farm, Clare is like "yeahhh, nope." My thinking is that Clare has been single for so long that she has filled her spare time with so many hobbies and activities, and now she doesn't know how to dial it back. And don't get me wrong, it is absolutely fine to have hobbies separate from your spouse - healthy, in fact - but there needs to be compromise.

After simmering below the surface, it all explodes after Lachlan misses his nephew's birthday in order to help paint at Clare's theatre. Here is my issue: Apparently, Lachlan's farm is in Cawdor. For those of you outside of NSW, Cawdor is just past Campbelltown, in Sydney's south-west. It's about an hour's drive away. So, if that is in fact where the farm is located, then technically, Clare could be commuting. It would be a longer trip than from the Eastern Suburbs, no doubt...but it's totally doable.

"Woah, woah, woah...you want me to catch a train?"

Unfortunately, the argument doesn't end well, with Lachlan struggling to keep Clare's temper in check, and Clare struggling to keep sight of what they're really fighting about. Lachlan is merely pointing out that you have spent only one day at the farm. That is not judgement, but simply a black and white fact, darling. He is not implying, as you hollered at him, that you "aren't committed to [him] at all."

Our beleaguered farmer drives off into the night, explaining that they need to "take a breather." Go and breathe in some of that crisp Cawdor air buddy. Godspeed.

NEXT TIME: It looks like it all becomes too much for one of our couples, with all signs pointing to Splitsville. My bet is Roni & Michael, although the editors would definitely like you to think it's Clare & Lachy. We shall see!

Married At First Sight airs 8:40 Monday night on Channel Nine. Catch up on past recaps here:
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER :: Highlights from Episode 8 of Real Housewives Of Melbourne

Thrilla in Manila - Part Deux!

:: We pick up where we left off, at that wonderfully comfortable and not-at-all-awkward dinner at 71 Gramercy. As Lydia attempts to calm everyone down, we can see Jackie sitting at the head of the table, watching it all unfold. As Pettifleur & Gina start getting into it once again, Jackie appears to be winding up to step in. My angels are predicting a Gillies outburst of epic proportions. CAN. NOT. WAIT.

:: After some back & forth between Gina & TeensyB that really doesn't get anywhere - as Jackie would say, BORE-ZO - it all really kicks off when Jackie brings up an incident that occurred before a morning show appearance where Gina apparently suggested "throwing the newbies under the bus." Whilst I don't really have the time for this pointless argument, I do love the elasticity of Jackie's face. God she pulls out some awesome expressions...

:: Would you care for a summation of their argument? Well, it basically went like this:
"Fuck off"
"You get fucked"
"You are so full of shit"
"You are the biggest sack of shit I've ever met in my life"
...Such wordsmiths, our ladies.

:: "I get to enjoy doing something I really love." - What's that Chyka, plugging your friends business endeavors? Ooh, whatabitch. Sorry Chyks. And that's all I'll say about this little trip to the tea master, since I don't really want to pick on Janet & Jake. Good on them. 

:: "Who let the dog out? For Christ's sake, get back in your cage." - And this comment about Gamble tells me all I need to know about Pettifleur Berenger. What a delightful person she must be.

:: "We all have our own thing, like, I'm a devout Darwinist." Lydia no compute. Also, Darwinist? Oh, Gamble. Never change.

"I thought she said she was from Palm Beach..."

:: Lydia meeting her housekeepers parents...oh, how the culture cringe hurts. Between patting herself on the back for doing such a great job at keeping their daughter alive and listing taking care of her DOG as one of the great responsibilities that she's bestowed on Joanna, it's just embarrassing all round. Oh, and applauding the five year old for reading "National Geography." YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP PEOPLE.

:: "I'm about understated sophistication and elegance" BAHAHA. Yeah, righty-o TB. You keep telling yourself that. Care to take a look at what she deems to be understated, sophisticated & elegant? 

WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK IS THIS. She looks like an ice dancer who has seen better days but is still desperately clinging to dreams of Olympic glory..."I can still pull out a killer triple axle!"

 

:: I'm not commenting on this fucking Barbie name, nouveau-riche bullshit again, but this from TB: "why would you think I spend my money frivolously?" is just hilarious. This women is blind as a motherfucking bat. ...I apologize for my language, but God this woman gets under my skin. 

:: Let's just put this out there: It's never OK to ask someone about their finances. Nope. Don't do it. If they offer up information about it, that's one thing. But don't ever sit there and ask someone to spell out where they get their money from. So everybody, just be cool. I wish Lydia had ripped into TB a bit more though, she looked pretty offended on Gamble's behalf. 

:: "Money is not success. Success is being in a loving relationship." - Preach it Jackie. Who, by the way, is looking absolutely gorgeous a bit toned down with her hair pulled back in a low bun. 

:: "Listen, I tell my husband everything, and let me tell you, if he seemed disinterested he would never have married me in the first place." Jackie is on FIRE. 

NEXT TIME: Pig boy Carlos is back on the scene and, after being fingered as the source of those pesky rumors, is cornered by Gamble and her legal counsel. Good luck buddy.  

Welcome To The Wine Bar

TGIF BITCHES! So grab a bottle, pour yourself a glass and join me in toasting to the end of another week.

"So," I hear you wondering, "What exactly is this wine bar of which you speak?" I'm glad you asked! Here's my thinking:

1. I like wine.
2. I've been perusing my stats and it appears that you lovely readers of mine are spread farther afield than I had expected. I really didn't expect many readers outside of Australia, but it turns out that Oz is only about a third of my audience. I find this both fascinating and delightful. And I would love to get to know you all a bit better! Where are you reading this? Shout out to today's readers from the US, UK & Greece!
And finally,
3. I'm home all day with a baby. I get lonely guys.

So, with that all said, let's make this post our own little Friday night drinks spot. How was your week? Pull up a chair - or, if you're like me right now, sprawl out on the floor - and tell us all about it.

My week centred around a certain little girl's first birthday. ONE. I HAVE A ONE YEAR OLD GUYS HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE SHE IS GROWING WAY TOO FAST.

At present, I'm mulling over working up a series of posts about the things I've learnt over the past 12 months for any new mamas out there...sometimes you feel so alone, I'd love to think that I could help someone through my experiences...but I'd hate for it to come off as preachy, y'know?

Anyway. We'll see. Feel free to leave a comment if it's something you'd be interested in reading though!

I hope you've all had a marvellous week...or if it hasn't been so swell, I hope your weekend is ace. You deserve it!

A NOTE FROM MAMAMEDIA: This weekend in Australia, most states & territories are enjoying the Queen's Birthday Long Weekend. I hope you all enjoy your day off, whether you're spending the weekend at home or away though please stay safe on the roads and remember double demerit points are in force.

mamamedia recaps :: Episode 3 of Married At First Sight

Let the co-habitation commence!

We begin on Day 6 of the social experiment: time for the big move! The fun is truly about to begin...

Before Zoe arrives, Alex recruits his mother to help prepare his home for his new wife. Mum's tips include "maybe move your AV rig out of the dining room" and "don't keep your beers in the linen closet." Solid advice Ma.



As Lachlan leaves the farm with dog in tow, Clare is busy cleaning her one bedroom apartment. A one bedder hey? That could cause a few issues. Everyone needs their own corner to retreat to now & then, especially if you don't know each other particularly well. I will never understand how couples can live in a studio apartment and not kill each other. I love my husband but God knows we need our own space sometimes.

James is moving into Michelle's apartment and she's setting the ground rules early...

Pretty simple, dude. 

Roni appears to be packing her entire house - Tupperware and all - to move to Michael's. She's definitely settling in quickly, hanging photos, arranging throw pillows and scuffing around in her sparkly slippers. (SIDENOTE: I have those slippers in pink. They were a present from my mother-in-law when I was in hospital with Liv and they are SO COMFORTABLE.)

Zoe arrives to her new abode to find Alex's mancave, complete with motorbike. Just what every wife wants! Alarm bells are ringing early though, when Alex declares "I'm not too comfortable with Zoe coming in here and making too much of a mark on this house. I don't particularly want girly things all over the house. It's not going to happen." It's called compromise buddy. Get on board!

Zoe is THRILLED. Obviously.

Quote of the night goes to Zoe, who, after being presented with her heat 'n' eat dinner, said this: "I don't have an aversion to quick anything...*makes the following face*...well, there are a few things I have an aversion to being too quick..."

I think my recaps could consist solely of Zoe's many facial expressions... 

Here we go! The first big blow up. It seems that Clare's schedule isn't entirely clear to spend the weekend away at Lachlan's farm and he's not impressed. BUT - she's not particularly happy about it either! And I quote: "You know what I really want to do? I really want to fuck everything off, I don't want to go to work, I want to spend time with you! I don't know what else to do, but I can guarantee you I feel bad about it." Aww. How can he be mad at that?

Well, as it turns out, it all blows over pretty quickly, as our newlyweds kiss and make up in front of a beautiful Clovelly sunrise. As Kevin Spacey famously said, "it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world." ...Of course, he had just been shot in the head, so...not exactly the same scenario...anyway, moving on!

It's her first morning waking up in Ferntree Gully and Zoe is learning the cold hard truth about commuting. Mainly, it sucks. In our pre-baby days, we lived and worked in the heart of Sydney's CBD and my office was a 15 minute walk away. You become very spoilt, very quickly. I can only imagine how she's feeling about having to now sit on a train for an hour. Blergh.

Our couples are now being faced with their hardest test so far: a shopping trip to IKEA. B HATES it when I drag him along to that glorious Swedish storage emporium. He drags his feet and whines like a 5 year old. PRO TIP: Much like children, you can bribe men with Swedish meatballs & $1 hotdogs. Michael definitely seems like he's done for the day...

"I wonder if Roni will notice if I sneak off to the cafeteria..."

According to psychologist Sabina, building furniture together is like any other team activity: it brings out the dynamics that will be seen moving forward in the relationship. Well, I don't know what this says about my marriage, but furniture building isn't much of a team activity in our household: I am the Queen of flat-pack assembly, B just carries in the boxes and lets me at it. And as someone who grew up having to assemble his mother's IKEA purchases, that's just the way he likes it. Everybody wins!

James seems to be committing a cardinal sin: ignoring the instructions. Unsurprisingly, he then drills holes in the wrong spot. Rookie. Never ignore the instructions dude. He's just lucky Michelle is the kind of gal who seems unfazed by these sorts of shenanigans...I am not one of those gals.

Over at Michael's, he and Roni are enjoying a quiet, no-TV-allowed dinner on the couch. Possibly their most awkward interaction to date - these two definitely seem more fizzle than sizzle right now.

CAN YOU FEEL THE HEAT.

Uh-oh, Clare & Lachlan are at it again. Once again, Clare is only willing to visit the farm for one night, rather than the whole weekend, and Lachlan's patience is wearing thin. Her offer to take him to boxing on Saturday does not go over well and before we know it, tempers flare, voices are raised and Clare storms out.

The following morning, Lachlan is regretting his part in the fight and is sending flowers to Clare's office as a mea culpa. He seems to be thinking the same as all of us at home who watched the Great Flower Meltdown on their wedding day, namely: Holy shit I better pick the right flowers or else I am DEAD.

Meanwhile, in Melbourne, Zoe is catching up with best friend Sherri. Sherri epitomises that most essential of friendships: the Get A Grip friend. We all have one: the person who slaps us upside the head and tells it like it is. In short, I love Sherri and think she should be in every episode. Just sitting in the corner, tearing apart everybody's bullshit. Anyway, Zoe voices her concerns regarding the "lifestyle change" she would be making by moving to Alex's house in the 'burbs, and also in regards to their differing backgrounds. She begins to explain how he left school in tenth grade and Sherri shuts that shit down QUICK SMART. When Zoe realises she might be sounding like a bitch, Sherri replies with a succint "You are." I LOVE THIS WOMAN.

#TeamSherri

Back in Clovelly and Clare is arriving home with apology flowers in tow. They seem to have worked a treat, as L & C are now getting their pash on in the kitchen. But, I mean, if this was delivered to your office, how could you not?

HOW COULD YOU STAY MAD AT HIM??

Zoe & Alex have arrived home and are cooking dinner together, when Alex asks if it's going to be a problem for them to blend their lives. Zoe responds with some gibberish about how it'll be a problem for her if he doesn't know Mandela's life story (...okay...) and that she assumes he'd feel the same if she didn't know stuff about engines, or whatever. Alex is, understandably, a bit miffed that she has simplified his life down to "engines and cars and stuff" and isn't making an effort to actually learn anything about him. When asked to explain what he is to her, Zoe replies "you have all the qualities that I want." To which Alex responds, "...you serious? That's it?" When she attempts to explain herself, he cuts her off with an exasperated "I don't think I want to hear it." As he confesses to camera afterwards, his opinion is that Zoe is committing to the experiment, rather than to him. Uh oh. And it was all going so well...

Alex doesn't know whether to laugh or cry, so he just made this face...

Clare has finally made it out to Lachlan's farm, albeit only for one night. But look how cute! Clare confides that "I feel like I'm part of something. I feel like I am somebody to someone, and I haven't felt like that in a long time." I REALLY WANT THESE TWO TO WORK, YOU GUYS.

After a talking to from her mum, Michelle has decided to sit down with James and find out how he's really feeling, since apparently all he's offering up in the way of adjectives is "good" and "nice". To quote Rachel Greene from Friends: "Nice? Mittens are nice!" James assures her that he is simply being cautious, as he likes her and doesn't want to mess things up. In his words, "I'm not here because I have to be. I'm here because I want to be." Can't complain there, Mish.

We now meet another Get A Grip pal, in the guise of Rachel, Roni's best friend. Roni is concerned that she isn't feeling any chemistry with Michael and that they are becoming more like housemates than partners. She also admits that she is holding back on acting like herself, because she's convinced that will result in this marriage failing just like her first did. Methinks someone needs to stop projecting her issues onto poor Mikey. Give him a chance Ron! Rachel agrees, telling Roni that "being you does not mean that you're going to get the same." Good advice Rach. Not as good as Sherri, but still.

#TeamSherri.

NEXT WEEK: The 4 couples all meet each other for the first time and it seems that personalities (read: Roni & Zoe) will clash. Should make for interesting viewing - meet back here next week!

Married At First Sight airs 8:40 Monday night on Channel Nine