2015 :: Year In Review

And so we find ourselves on the cusp of another new year. WHERE DID THE LAST TWELVE MONTHS GO I SWEAR IT'S ONLY FEBRUARY

Ahem. Yes, I'm that person.

Anyway. 2015! What a year! Why aye! (Yes, I've been watching the Geordie Shore marathon on MTV. DON'T JUDGE ME.)

BELATED LANGUAGE WARNING. But seriously, Vicky is the best.

What one event, big or small, are you going to tell your grandchildren about? Hmm...Probably any number of adorable things their mother did during the year. She's a clever cookie.

If you had to describe your 2015 in 3 words, what would they be? So. Much. Laundry.

What new things did you discover about yourself? That my competitive nature knows no bounds (I somehow made yoga a competitive sport...still not sure how) and that my natural gift for snarkiness can read as straight up mean in the wrong company. Some people don't get my sense of humour. That I am more resilient than I thought. Also that I am less resilient than I thought when it comes to other stuff.

What single achievement are you most proud of? My daughter is developmentally advanced for her age. CAN YOU FEEL THE SMUG EMANATING FROM THE SCREEN?

What was the best news you received? Any time Liv left the doctors with a clean bill of health. Also my MIL beating cancer.

What was your favourite place that you visited in 2015? Hmm. Probably Sydney's Northern Beaches with my little tribe, it's a beautiful part of the world.

Which of your personal qualities turned out to be the most helpful this year? My ability to function on very little sleep, probs.

Who was your number one go-to person that you could always rely on? My dad. He's the best.

Which new skills did you learn? My yoga instructor helped me finally "get" meditation. Up until then I could never get past "So...I'm just sitting here trying not to think about stuff for fifteen minutes?"

What, or who, are you most thankful for? My daughter, always.

If someone wrote a book about your life in 2014, what kind of genre would it be? A comedy, love story, drama, film noir or something else? I have no idea but, considering that I previously summed up 2015 with the words "so much laundry," I'm guessing that it wouldn't be a particularly thrilling pageturner.

What was the most important lesson you learnt in 2015? How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. (But you shouldn't eat elephants. They are magnificent creatures.)

Which mental block(s) did you overcome? Hmm...that's a toughie. I actually have no idea!

What 5 people did you most enjoy spending time with? My daughter, my husband, my mother, my father, and...my brother and sister tie for fifth.

What was your biggest break-through moment career-wise? Seeing as I've spent the year being a mum, I'll pretend that your Q relates to parenting, so...getting my daughter back into a solid sleep schedule around the ten month mark.

How did your relationship to your family evolve? Ooh, that's a good one. Well my relationship with my parents & siblings is much more of a friendship, although my dad still nags me like ever: "Jessica, have you been to the doctor yet? I'm gonna call you on Monday, you better have made an appointment!"

What book or movie affected your life in a profound way? Confession time: I do not like movies. I can only handle watching a movie if I've read the full synopsis and know what I'm in for. So...no movies. Books? I really loved The Fictional Woman by Tara Moss - she solidified a lot of my beliefs as a feminist and a mother. Brilliant.

What was your favourite compliment that you received this year? That I'm a good mum. That's the most important thing. Oh, and that I'm TOTES SKINNY, obviously.

What little things did you most enjoy during your day-to-day life? Cups of tea, all day errrday.

What cool things did you create this year? That would be my granny square blanket for Liv's first birthday...that she didn't receive until Christmas, because Mama underestimated how long it takes to make those damn squares.

What was your most common mental state this year (e.g. excited, curious, stressed)? I have a baby and insomnia, so...tired. Always tired.

Was there anything you did for the very first time in your life this year? Probably lots of mundane baby-related things, but I can't think of anything exciting like jumping out of a plane. Oh, I know! A headstand. What's up? MY LEGS, THAT'S WHAT!

What was your favourite moment spent with your friends? Probably a Xmas lunch B & I had a few weeks back with a bunch of our old mates...lots of food, lots of laughs. Good times!

What major goal did you lay the foundations for? Nee idea.

Which worries turned out to be completely unnecessary? There was a period there where it looked like we might struggle getting Xmas presents for everyone...but it all worked out at the eleventh hour. Phew.

What experience would you love to do all over again? Every moment with my baby...WHY IS SHE GROWING UP SO QUICKLY?!

What was the best gift you received? Easy: My husband had Foxtel connected as a Christmas present. SO MUCH TO WATCH!

How did your overall outlook on life evolve? Sometimes the smallest moments are the most significant. Treasure them. Stop thinking about how you could have done things differently in the past and focus on how you can do things differently in the future. If He brings you to it, He'll bring you through it.

What was the biggest problem you solved? Baby sleep. Easy.

What was the funniest moment of your year, one that still makes it hard not to burst out laughing when you think about it? 365 days spent with this little monster and you want me to narrow it down to one thing? She cracks me up every day.

What purchase turned out to be the best decision ever? Ha, that would once again be Foxtel. Oh, TV - how do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

What one thing would you do differently and why? I would go the dentist for my annual check up in May like I was supposed to, not leave it until October like an IDIOT. My wisdom tooth is being a STUPID JERK.

What do you deserve a pat on the back for? Keeping my shit together while B was hospitalised this year (he's fine by the way.)

What activities made you lose track of time? Easy: Crochet and dicking around on the Interwebz. "What do you mean three hours has passed? Shit, I better get dinner started!"

What did you think about more than anything else? Sleep. Both mine and Liv's. Closely followed by tea.

What topics did you most enjoy learning about? I've learnt a lot about the British monarchy this year actually. I don't know why, but I find them FASCINATING. For example, Princess Margaret was an absolute boss and I love her.

See? LOVE. HER.

What new habits did you cultivate? Tea & laptop time during Liv's morning naps. Time that could have been better spent actually doing housework, but...oh well. MAMA NEEDS HER DOWN TIME TOO.

What advice would you give your early-2015 self if you could? She will sleep eventually. In the meantime, enjoy the koala cuddles. Oh, and book in your dental check up for May, don't leave it until October!!!

Did any parts of your self or your life do a complete 180 this year? Well, I started the year as someone who held no great affection for dating reality shows, nor Sam Frost. But now? SAM + SASH 4EVAAAA. (A very deep & meaningful answer, I know.)

What or who had the biggest positive impact on your life this year? Liv. She makes me a better person, a stronger person every day.

So, in short, yes I am one of those boring people who has no life outside of their child. OWNING IT BITCHES!

Happy New Year everyone! I hope your 2016 is full of health, wealth and happiness. Thanks for reading, you're the best - don't let anyone tell you otherwise! 
Jess xxxx

mamamedia and Gogglebox Australia: A Love Story

I learnt an important lesson this year guys.

Like many, I was sceptical of the concept of Gogglebox when it was first advertised. You mean, it's just...watching people while they watch TV? My husband had vowed to avoid it, claiming it was the dumbest idea he'd ever heard.

And then we watched it. And didn't we just look like a couple of fools? Because Gogglebox Australia is FANTASTIC.

The secret to its success is, without a doubt, the casting. Kudos to the producers, because you've done a brilliant job. From the acid-tongued commentary of Mick & Di, to the hilarious naivety of the Jackson children, to the spot-on sarcasm of Adam & Symon, they have managed to cast a group of characters who go beyond mere entertainment. I don't want to just watch them, I want to be friends with these people! I want to sit around and eat Crust pizzas with Angie & Yvie while we bitch about the Real Housewives. I want to crack a Corona with Adam & Symon and make ranga jokes. I want to drink fairy floss cocktails with Wayne & Tom while we debate the attractiveness of Manu Feidel.

The second season is underway and it is as laugh-out-loud hilarious as it ever was. I've still got the first season sitting on my DVR and re-watch it when I feel like a giggle. So, to celebrate what has probably been my favourite program to air so far in 2015, I've gone back over S1 once more and jotted down some of my favourite exchanges...

The Bachelor Effect

SUBTITLED: Why You Shouldn't Want To Be With Anyone Who Thinks Like This Because You Deserve Way Better, Babe.

According to a survey by dating app Zoosk, a third of respondents have admitted to starting arguments with their spouses after watching the Bachelor slash Bachelorette on TV. Why? Because they aren't as romantic as ol' Sammy Boy and Frosty Fruit here...

Sam Wood & Snezana

Sam Frost & Sasha

 

OK babes, let's just cut to the chase: if your partner picks a fight - or even better, dumps you - because they think you aren't as romantic as someone on a TV show who has literally AN ENTIRE TEAM OF PEOPLE whose sole job it is to plan & produce amazing dates for them? Then they have a seriously warped idea of romance and you're probably better off. Good riddance to batshit insane rubbish. 

This article is obviously ridiculous, but the underlying issue isn't as laughable: the idea that romance is directly linked to how much money is spent. Particularly when people are comparing their relationships to The Bachelor/ette franchises. The "romance" we're seeing on screen is really nothing more than cold-hard cash changing hands between corporations: We provide you with a service/location for your date, you broadcast it to 1m+ viewers at home, name us as a production partner on your website and thank us in the credits. Everyone wins! Oh, except for the poor guys & girls at home being blasted because they're not romantic enough to have planned a helicopter flight to the Victorian ski fields, or a picnic on the pitch at the Sydney Cricket Ground. THANKS A LOT, SAM.

Sam Frost herself seemed to be mindful of this so-called "Bachelor Effect," raising her concerns with Sasha on one of their last single dates: "My biggest fear is that, when all of this is over, it is just me, and I don't have nice things ... I just don't want to be in that situation where you're with someone and they're disappointed with who you are at the end. When it is just you." Ten points to Sash, who replied: "All that material stuff for me doesn't matter. At the end of the day, if you don't have anyone there in your life to share it with, then it means nothing. If you've got each other, you don't need any of that stuff." Sam is a lucky lady.

Well, obviously.



And I must say - y'know, just in case he reads this - I'm pretty lucky myself. B has never been one for buying presents for the sake of spending money, preferring gestures that actually have meaning or significance. If I'm having a rough week, he'll surprise me with a bottle of wine or box of cannoli from our favourite pasticceria, which is guaranteed to put a smile on my face. A couple of years ago, I spent Valentine's Day in bed with a raging migraine, and he arrived home from work with a box of my favourite ricotta pastizzi. It was the best Valentine's gift I'd ever received. And since we've had Liv, one of the sweetest things he does for me is to take the baby downstairs and give me a sleep in. Oh God, how I love him when he lets me sleep in.


How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

I once had a boyfriend who was all about making the "grand gesture" - delivering bouquets of flowers to my work, or leaving jewellery on the bed. Sounds great to some, I'm sure, but it actually made me a bit sad, because more often than not the gesture had nothing to do with who I was as a person, it was all about how much he had spent. I can actually recall him giving me a necklace, then telling me he bought it because it was the first thing he saw in the store. I believe the phrase "That'll do" may have even been used. SO ROMANTIC, amirite?

Honestly, the most thoughtful gift I would receive from him was when he would come home with peanut butter M&Ms, because he knew that they're my favourite and that it's hard for me to find them here in Australia. A simple gesture that cost him a couple of bucks ended up being more touching than the shoebox full of jewellery I had at the end of the relationship. Funny that.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is: Don't let yourself be fooled by TV romance. Love shouldn't be measured by dollars spent. Show the one you love how much you care by showing that you know them, that you have considered them, no matter how small the gesture might seem. Because sometimes the smallest is the sweetest.

You deserve more than a manufactured date for television. If someone tells you otherwise, then fuck that noise. You're worth more than that.

And remember: roses die, jewellery tarnishes, but ricotta-filled pastries are forever. 

Welcome To The Wine Bar

Wine bar: GIN EDITION.

Oh guys. I actually started writing this post last night, but then #ALLOFTHEGIN happened.

Let me tell you: It has been a bitch of a week. I've had a nasty infection in one of my wisdom teeth, my phone shattered, I've had trouble sleeping - #insomniaclyfe - and then a million other tiny little things have all just snowballed into one big thing, you know?

Like last night for example: I had half changed into my pyjamas and had to run downstairs with an armful of laundry and empty baby bottles. So I'm topless, and it's only when I reach the kitchen that I realise that one of the bottles has tipped upside down and I now have milk running down my stomach. At this point, I should mention that I have a funny thing about milk on my skin, it really freaks me out. I can milk cows, I can drink milk, I just can't handle it touching me. Don't know why. So B walks into the kitchen to find me half naked and sobbing because I am the kind of person who will literally cry over spilt milk.

Being the awesome dude that he is, he cancelled his plans to head out with a mate and stayed home to make me gin and tonics. WHY I MARRIED HIM, LADIES AND GENTS! And so, #ALLOFTHEGIN happened...

 

...Because drunk tweeting is the best kind of tweeting, obvi.

And yes, Sam & Sasha were the best thing to happen last week, I don't know what I would have done had she chosen Michael. These two are so freaking adorable, I have never been so invested in a relationship that wasn't my own. A shout out to the Buzzfeed Australia team who also share my undying love for The Pasha.

WHO DOESN'T? #TeamSasha

Anyway, how was your weekend? Have you been squee-ing at Sam & Sash as much as I have? Was your week shit as well? Let's commiserate together!

Oh, and also - a quick hello to any Russians who happen to be reading this, you guys have popped up in my stats this week in a huge way, which I find both curious and delightful. Thanks for reading!

A (not really) Final Word on The Bachelorette Australia

Congratulations, Sam and Sasha!!!

Source: Tenplay

Last night saw the conclusion of the first season of The Bachelorette Australia and in an ending that surprised absolutely none of us - particularly not after the Daily Mail's spoilsport moment - Sam Frost finally declared her love for Sasha Mielczarek. ABOUT TIME SAM I'VE ONLY BEEN WAITING FIVE WEEKS FOR THIS.

As I type this, it's 1:30 in the morning, my husband has passed out on the couch, I'm drinking Pepsi straight out of a 1.25L bottle and I'm watching the finale for the fifth time since last night. In short, it's a raging Friday night at mamamedia manor.

In all seriousness though, it was the most heartfelt, beautiful moment I think I've ever witnessed on a TV program. Sam jigging on the spot as she struggles to hold it together in front of Sash? Sasha whispering "Really?" after Sam tells him that she loves him - an echo of Sam's response to his L-bomb earlier - then pulling her in for one of their most passionate kisses yet? How could you not tear up at that?

But the clincher was this line from the barely-keeping-it-under-control Sam: "I never could understand why I had been hurt so much and I never could understand why my relationships weren't working out...and then I met you. And I realised that I've been waiting my whole life to meet you." Oh God. Been there. As the kids say, RIGHT IN DEM FEELS.

I enjoyed The Bachelorette so much more than I was expecting to, and that enjoyment is pretty much entirely down to the chemistry between Sasha & Sam. From the first episode, I was completely invested in their relationship and needed to see it through to the end. Because of this, I do really want to finish up the rest of the season's recaps - some are half completed in my Draft folder, give me a break I've been sick - but I'll see how I go. (I'll be honest guys: it's been a shit couple of weeks, health/technology wise. To quote Zap Brannigan from Futurama, the spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised. ...of course, he wasn't so much sick as he was oversexed, but anyway. It was the first thing that came to mind. Anyway. Where were we?)

Since it's now all of a sudden 3:00 in the morning - time flies when you fall into a Sam&Sash interview wormhole - and I'll have a tiny human demanding my attention in about 4 hours, I should probably head up to bed. I'll finish with sincere congratulations once again to the happy couple - May you enjoy a long and happy life together, full of health, wealth and happiness. And children, because let's face it, your kids will be BABES.

Source: Tenplay

mamamedia recaps :: Episode 6 of The Bachelorette Australia

Who cares about the rest of the episode, I'm just excited to see Sam go HAM on Davey. LET'S WATCH!

It's an exciting morning at Bach Manor, as the boys sit around watching...a game of chess.

Luckily, Osher then arrives with a blue envelope to break the monotony. When the clue for this single date is revealed to be "young at heart," Davey immediately thinks it's for him, saying "Well, I am the youngest, and I'm definitely a child" which is ABSOLUTELY what Sam is looking for. You've got this in the bag, dude!

By that I mean, nope, sorry, this date is Richie's. Thank God. Someone who's not too impressed though is Michael, who - I'm sorry - gives me a bit of a serial killer vibe. Just look into his eyes!

Is he happy? Sad? Hungry? Homicidal? YOU NEVER KNOW.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Osher then pulls out a second date card, inviting Sash, Alex, Dave, Davey and Michael on a group date, with the clue "all's fair in love and war." A BATTLE TO THE DEATH IT IS! Or, y'know, paintball or something.

 

GROUP DATE TIME!

Surprise, group date is first up tonight. The boys arrive at a (completely deserted) circus for some sideshow alley games, where they will be competing in knockout rounds for alone time "under the Big Top" with Sam. You mean we get to sit in a dark, dusty tent that probably smells like a barn? YESSS SO ROMANTIC.

"Last date I had with Sam, I had to be a gentleman. These are childish games, I'm a child myself, now I can be the larrikin and get away with it in this group date, so I think this is all me!" - Davey, showing his stunning sense of self-awareness. I think the phrase, "HAD TO BE a gentleman" says it all. READ: I'm not ACTUALLY a gentleman, I just put on the act when I need to. Yeah, can you tell I'm not really a fan?

Ugh, and that hat. KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Round One is the THUNDER GOD - otherwise know as that thing where you hit the thing with the other thing and ding the bell. Yeah. You know the one! Unfortunately for Michael, upper body strength isn't a massive pre-requisite for a footballer, so he's knocked out early. Womp womp.

Round Two is a tug-of-war between Davey/Sash & Alex/Dave. With Sasha anchoring, Dave & Alex stand very little chance and it's over pretty quickly. What's more interesting though, is watching Davey unknowingly obliterate his chances with the lovely Sam as the date goes on. Just listen to some of her comments: "Davey's being quite the boy's boy today, which...I can't say I'm surprised. I saw a little snippet of Davey's lovely side on the two-on-one date, but I'm not sure if that was maybe just a brief encounter" followed by "For me, with Davey, I'm feeling quite confused. When he's with the boys, he's one person and then when he's with me, he's a completely different person." I mean, just look how THRILLED she is when he knocks Sasha out of the game...

NOT SASHA. YOU BASTARD.

In the end, there are only two left standing. Take it away, Alex! "Dave vs Davey. Man vs Clown. It was all set up for an amazing finale." - Suave Alex has a way with words as smooth as his dress sense. Narrate my life, Alex! Never stop talking!

Luckily for Sam, Dave is the one taking her under the Big Top, which sounds filthy but is really nothing more than a perfectly lovely chat. Sorry to say though, it doesn't feel like there's any sort of romantic chemistry between them - when Sam is telling Dave about the kind of man she's looking for, it's as though she's having a chat with a best friend. And to top it off, Dave proposes they "hug it out" at the end. What even?

 

SINGLE DATE TIME!

Richie meets Sam at the Bachelorette Pad, where she informs him that, as she's a bit quirky, for their date today they will be undergoing a full hair & makeup transformation to age them 50 years. Oh, we've all had this date before, amirite?

Four hours later, Richard and Samantha emerge, ready to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary with a day at the bowls club...

Adorable.

 

Seriously, kudos to the make up team, these prosthetics are on point. Just look how cute and old they are!

 

Sam & Richie rock up to the Double Bay Bowling Club for a day of bingo...which sounds like a great date to me, I freaking LOVE bingo. When I go to Hamilton Island, you better believe I'm front and centre at the free Bingo on the Beach every morning, cocktail in one hand, dauber in the other. Anyway, enough about me and my raging holidays antics, back to the date! When Sam leaves the table for a moment, someone sees a window of opportunity: "I'm much younger than your wife, so we can swap chairs." YESSS, GO GRAN! GET SOME!

All in all, it's an incredibly charming date. Sam is an adorable grandma and Richie keeps her in stitches all day long. And you can't go past a man who makes you laugh! Looks fade, but laughter lives forever. Needless to say, Richie returns to Bach Manor with a rose.

And yes, that is 80 year old Richie doing a kip up in front of a group of cheering seniors.

COCKTAIL HOUR

We get a hint that this isn't going to be just another cocktail party early on, as we see Sam pacing alone in a sitting room, as her voiceover informs us that "my incredible date with Richie has really put things into perspective. It's made me reevaluate exactly what I'm looking for in a relationship. I want to be with someone who I can have fun with and who I can trust and who I can see myself growing old with. I need to think about the longevity of a relationship and who I can feel that chemistry with and have that spark. I can't afford to have my heart broken again, and I don't want to waste any more time with guys that I'm just not sure of." No prizes for guessing who she's talking about here, amirite?

Upon entering the cocktail party, Sam whisks Davey away for a chat and wastes no time in questioning his true colours, bringing up their double date: "You showed a glimpse of the sensitive and beautiful side to your personality...but I don't know how often that side comes out, and I wonder if that sensitive side to your personality is just an act. My first gut instinct towards you was that you're a ladies man, and I think 'OK, is the wool getting pulled over my eyes?'" Davey reacts to this incredibly well, scoffing "Do you honestly think I'd be here to create an act?"

This is the face of someone who is NOT HAPPY that he's being called out.

When Sam asks him what it is about her that he wants to stick around for, he chuckles before replying with a frustrated "I've told you a few times already!" OK, not a great move either, Davey. But please keep on digging, because it is incredibly entertaining for me. Although I can imagine it's not so entertaining for Sam, who is looking and sounding increasingly unimpressed: "I've dated people like you before and I know how it ends and it ends the same every single time and you give 'em the benefit of the doubt and every single time the same thing happens." Davey tries to assure her that he's different, but you can tell she ain't buying what he's selling...

Sam Frost did NOT come down in the last shower, buddy boy.

At this point, it's clear that Davey is struggling and I think he realises the end is nigh...

He tries to assure Sam that he's genuine...

...but I think he senses that touching her probably isn't wise, as that hand flies back off her thigh quicksmart. She's having none of that!

We return from an ad break to find Osher breaking the news to the rest of the boys that after a heartfelt conversation with Sam, Davey has left the mansion and WAITAMINUTEHOLDUP - Where is the death blow? Where is the heartbroken goodbye? Where is the petulant pouting? WHERE IS DAVEY?! I am not impressed. We don't even get a last word from his departing car, instead we see Sam heading home to the Bachelorette Pad, as she reflects on the five amazing men she has left to choose from. This is very lovely, sure, but WHAT HAPPENED TO DAVEY THE PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW!

NEXT TIME: A five-man dinner date will be somebody's last supper, as Sam chooses which four men will be taking her home.
 
Missed an episode? Catch up here:
Episode 1
Episode 2 - Dave's single date, "leap of faith" group date and HURRICANE HANSEL
Episode 3 - Sasha's single date, puppy photoshoot group date and THE SASH PASH
Episode 4 - Alex's single date, dodgeball group date and EXFOLIATING
Episode 5 - A double date disaster, and the gents face the DAD TEST

mamamedia recaps :: Episode 5 of The Bachelorette Australia

THUNDERDOME: DATE EDITION.

Another morning at Bach Manor and the boys are taking bets as to who will be on the next single date, the favourites being Davey or Tony. In a MASSIVE COINCIDENCE BECAUSE WHAT ARE THE CHANCES Osher then arrives with a very interesting blue envelope, whose clue reads: "I like my martinis shaken, not stirred." Ooh, Bond theme? Intriguing enough. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! The card continues..."Tonight, you'll need to play your cards right for one single rose." Yes, there is more than one name on the card, the unlucky lads being Davey and Tony. It's time for the knockout double date: two enter, only one leaves. ...Well, I mean, they both leave, but only one will leave with a rose. The other just...goes home I guess...anyway, you know the deal!

 

DOUBLE TROUBLE

As Davey & Tony head off to meet Sam for their double date, they are farewelled by the rest of the lads as though they are proud parents seeing their kids off to the prom...

As they zip across Sydney Harbour, is anyone else getting total Bond villain vibes? Don't accept any drinks from these men Samantha. You'll wake up in an island dungeon.

They meet Sam on a superyacht for a not-at-all awkward night of sniping, grass-cutting and roulette. After placing a bet to determine one-on-one time - black for Tony, red for Davey - Sam & Tony step outside for a chat that basically consists of Tony trying to convince Sam that, yes he's mature, yes he's serious, but also SO FUN! Meanwhile, Davey is at his Bond villain-y best, stewing below deck, checking his watch and counting the minutes...

...So, of course, he decides to break THE BRO CODE (which HE PROPOSED it must be said) and cuts in on Tony's time. Unlike suitors past, who would cop it on the chin, Tone does not take this well. At all. "I'd kick myself if I didn't get time with Sam tonight!" Davey explains. Tony replies tersely, "You would have got time, though. You didn't need to cut in right now, you would have had time." Meanwhile, Sam is all:

"Oh, this is awkward. Oh, it's SO AWKWARD."

In response, Davey offers a bit of a non-apology: "I want Sam's love, and I'm going to do everything in my power to get it." Now...is it just me, or does that really not sound as sweet as I think Davey thinks it does? It's like Sam is just a prize to be won, not an actual human being that he wants to have a relationship with. Nope. Not impressed. Kick him overboard, Sam!

After some more excruciating three-way conversations that might as well consist of Davey shouting over the top of Tony: "PICK ME SAM, I'M EVER SO GENTLEMANLY! LISTEN TO ME RHAPSODISE ABOUT SOULMATES!" Sam takes Tony away for another chat and at this point, you may be hoping that he's getting the rose. Well, prepare to be disappointed, because he's getting the heave-ho. "You're so beautiful!" Sam assures him. (READ: "Just not beautiful enough to want to be with!") (I kid, I kid. Sam is lovely.) Hilariously, Tony's parting words include the sentence "Losing to Davey is not the ideal situation that I would have hoped for in trying to prove my worth to Sam." HA. Yeah, I can imagine that's pretty embarrassing, dude.

After Sam has returned to Davey and proffered the victory rose, he asks for a kiss on the cheek...

 

...then turns his head to steal a kiss on the lips...

...and celebrates like this...

 

...while Sam fumes quietly...

 

...yeah, total dick move dude. Not cool. Way to confirm every single doubt Sam has had about you and pretty much guarantee your ass is grass next episode. God, how I wish she'd snatched the rose back and kicked him out then and there. Ahh well, I'm sure it won't be much longer. Buh-bye.

GROUP DATE TIME!

Back at Bach Manor, another blue envelope has arrived, inviting Richie, Sasha, Michael, Alex, Kayne and Dave on a group date. The clue? "Falling in love is child's play." OH YEAH IT'S THE DAD TEST.

Yes, it is time for our heroine to test the parenting abilities of her prospective mates. The Bachelor always puts his ladies through it, so I'm happy to see Sam make the boys jump through this hoop also.

As Osher and Sam explain, Sam's "very special friend" Tahlia is having a birthday party and the lads will be responsible for entertaining 30 kids and giving them "the best party they have ever had." Meanwhile, the mums are sitting out the front, clinking their wine glasses to not having to supervise. Chin chin ladies! Oh, and can I just say - nice dad cardi, Osh. Looking sharp.

Also looking sharp? Alex, king of the face painting emporium, who can apparently look suave in anything. Even feathers and sequins.

Meanwhile, Kayne is having so much fun at his pie-throwing stand that he doesn't even notice Sam's presence...

You know who's not having fun though? Dave, whose experience with children seems to be limited to bribing his nieces and nephews with chocolate and whose "Shark Island" game is quickly abandoned.

Poor Shark Island. So lonely.

After creating a pretty sweet storytime with the kids, where he has them draw along as he tells the magical story of Princess Sam, her 14 princes, and Osher the Friendly Dragon who eats the princes one by one (OK, this is adorable, I'll give him that) Michael is rewarded with a home cooked dinner back at the Bachelorette Pad. Sam begins her five star meal by asking "I just want to know first: Are you more of a white bread person, or mixed grain?" Oh yeah, she's making him ham, cheese & tomato toasties. BRILLIANT. I love a lady who can't cook. Unfortunately for dear Sam, she gets so caught up in conversation with Mike, that she burns their "fool-proof" dinner.

"Classic Sam."

After last weeks cocktail party, where Michael presented Sam with a gift of "fun facts" about himself, Sam is returning the favour with her own box of trivia for him. Between funny facts about bad teeth and Thai takeaway, she reveals that her greatest fear is having her heart broken again. I will say, Michael is very sweet here. So sweet in fact that he receives a rose - making him the first bachelor to get a rose on a group date. Well done, Mike. This was actually the most likable I've found him so far this season. Still #TeamSash though, sorrynotsorry.

 

 

 

COCKTAIL HOUR

There's not much to say about tonight's cocktail party, but if I had to sum it up with one word, that word would be: DESPERATE. After Michael returns from his dinner with a rose, everyone seems to be scrambling. Dave is desperate to prove to Sam that he can be good with kids; Richie is desperate to get some solo time with Sam after having not yet received a single date; Davey is just...desperate. "Michael got a rose NOT FAIR!"

TIME FOR THE ROSES

Well, once again Channel Ten has spoiled the result of a rose ceremony before it's even begun, by way of their super-comprehensive preview at the start of the season. Based on dates shown in the preview that have not yet aired, it is no surprise that Kayne is the man leaving us tonight. Don't get me wrong, I love knowing that a certain favourite (that start with S and rhyme with Pash) is assured safe passage through the competition for a while, based on the number of times he appears, but I didn't realise it would make it this easy to predict the eliminations.Very little suspense left, guys.

Peace out Kanye.

NEXT TIME: Richie & Sam "grow old disgracefully" on their first single date together, the boys run away with the circus, and Davey's time appears to be up. Can I get a HALLELUJAH?

The Bachelorette Australia airs Wednesday and Thursday nights from 7:30pm on Channel Ten. Missed an episode? Catch up here:
Episode 1
Episode 2 - Dave's single date, "leap of faith" group date and HURRICANE HANSEL
Episode 3 - Sasha's single date, puppy photoshoot group date and THE SASH PASH
Episode 4 - Alex's single date, dodgeball group date and EXFOLIATING ACTION