BETTER LATE THAN NEVER :: Highlights from Episode 10 of Real Housewives of Melbourne

Before we start - I've recently caught up on the first season of RHOM, and holy shitballs, this season is TAME in comparison, right? Lydia was a BITCH, I'm not surprised she's being so quiet this time around. I now understand why I was hearing so much yapping about it last year. Jeeeeez.

:: We open with Gamble and Wolf Pup shopping for six figure diamonds, y'know, as you do. I had to laugh at the expression on the jeweller's face when Gamble was rattling off her & Rick's past marriages. Also, are there actually non-television jewellers out there happy to send you home with diamonds to test drive?

"How in the everloving fuck did I end up with these two..."

:: As much as I love their mother-daughter shenanigans, something odd jumped out at me during Chyka and Chessie's shopping jaunt: As they discusses their purchases, Chessie said a few things that made it sound as though Bruce was picking up the tab...I would think such a fabulous working woman as Cheeks would have her own card to flash around town? Hmm. Curiouser and curiouser...I mean, if you're a weirdo nitpicker like me who notices these things...

:: Ahh, women. The things we put ourselves through in the name of beauty. My aunt likes to say "Beauty knows no pain." Well, beauty might not but Jackie sure did. PRO TIP: Race days are LOOONG days. If your neck is aching before you've even arrived, you've made a poor millinery choice.

:: Noticed this guy in the background. Dude. YOU ARE IN A MARQUEE. Wherefore art thou suit? Seriously, he doesn't appear to be working the event: How dafuq did he get into a marquee on Derby Day in a T-shirt?!? WE'VE GOT A BROKEN ARROW PEOPLE NO ONE IS MANNING THE GATES.

:: "Do you realise that Botox is actually paralysing the muscles?" - OH MY GOD PETTIFLEUR NO FREAKING WAY THAT IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION /sarcasm.

:: "On the third level there is this amazing rooftop garden designed by Jamie Durie - and you can even see the horses from there!" - That's good Janet, it is nice to be able to see the horses AT THE FUCKING RACES.

:: I would love to think that the launch of The Bitch Switch Switch The Bitch means that we won't hear any more of it...but I'm not holding my breath. It might've been a dick move, but I do love that Gamble forced TeensyBlossom to admit that she's self publishing. She might spin it as a way for her to retain creative control, but I'd be willing to put money on the fact not a single publisher saw a market for it. Which is often the case when someone produces a vanity project: they're creating for themselves, not for consumers. No market = no money.

:: I had to laugh when Lydia admitted to not reading the book, as she "didn't have the time" for it. Sweet Lydia, it's 190 pages long. The issue of Vanity Fair I'm reading at the moment has more pages. Although...are we sure that Lydia can read?

:: By the way, if you're after an evil afternoon of schadenfreude, do yourself a favour and take a look at the Amazon reviews for Switch The Bitch. It's...every bit as amazing as you expect! (read: people are asking for their money back.)

:: There truly is no love like that between a son and his stepmother...

:: And here is where I white knight for Gamble re: her aversion to strippers. Not all women enjoy having a strange man's torso thrust in their face, no matter how ripped he may be. I have no problems with strippers - in my pre-baby days, I visited plenty of strip clubs with B and our mates and have received lap dances from female performers - but I would probably behave the same as Gamble with a male stripper. If I wanted greased up pecs all up in my grill, I'd be home with my husband and a bottle of Crisco.

:: I love that Chyka of all people is the one to gift Gamble a box of sex toys. Nice one, Keebaugh. I did enjoy watching these middle aged women trying to figure out the egg. If any of you are still curious: it's a male masturbator. Honey Birdette has a range if that sort of thing floats your boat! Once when I was in store, I had a (female, calm down) staff member demonstrate the egg for me, they are...interesting.

NEXT TIME: We finish the season on a high note, and by high, I mean that Pettifleur's 50th celebrations look completely cracked out.

Catch up on previous Season 2 recaps here...
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6
Episode 7
Episode 8
Episode 9

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER :: Highlights from Episode 9 of Real Housewives Of Melbourne

GAH I KNOW, IT'S COMICAL HOW LATE THESE ARE NOW BEING POSTED. I'm rolling with it though. I'm a stubborn so-and-so and am determined to see the season through!

:: "Jackie has definitely had a recent obsession with saying couture. Everything's couture. I don't know why she keeps saying it." Ben Gillies, we're all with you on that one. 

:: And now it's time for Lydia to unveil her masterpiece of a newly renovated home. I have to say, she - or more likely, the crew of contractors that would have put it together - has done a beautiful job. I am majorly coveting the oversize ornate mirror and leather chairs in her sitting room...although the height of her book stacks basically says "these books will never be read again."

GET IN MY HOUSE ALREADY.

:: "Taken out of contents." - Oh Gamble. Dear, sweet, Gamble. It's "context" honey.

:: I do wish they hadn't set up the Gamble-Pig Boy Carlos confrontation (because we know the producers had a hand in this) at the launch of Janet & Jake's tea range. Obviously, it was a plot point that needed to happen, but surely there were more appropriate events at which it could have occurred than at the launch for a charity product inspired by a young man's tragedy. As for Carlos: I can't stand people who run their mouths but then don't have the balls to back themselves when called on it. Stop trying to weasel your way out of it dude, just give them a straight answer and they'll leave you alone. All this hemming and hawwing just makes you look like you've made it all up. Also, have I mentioned how played out this damn storyline is? I mean...God. Move on already.

That'll do, Pig Boy. That'll do.

::  "Pettifleur loves the word stupid, she calls everybody stupid. Well...takes one to know one." - Gina Liano, criminal barrister. That is all.

:: "I'm the Imelda Marcos of Melbourne!" - So you also were married to a corrupt president and financed a lavish lifestyle with millions of dollars of public funds? What a plot twist!

:: "Whether she has the expertise to run a business, we'll see." - Lydia questioning Gina's business nous. Lydia, who thinks "seventy-oneth" is a thing, questioning barrister Gina, who has worked in the fashion industry with her sisters as far back as 1985. Yeah, I'm sure Gina is the novice here. Totally.

:: Oh hai there, shiny new Tempest. Quick thought: I'm not sure that it's the best idea to be drinking champagne when you've just undergone surgery...Putting aside issues with the effects drinking whilst taking pain medication, alcohol exacerbates swelling and bruising...anyway, each to their own. For all I know, it was sparkling apple juice. You do you, ladies.

This is where $50,000 worth of surgery gets you, BTdubs.

:: A verbatim quote from Janet: "I didn't care if she named a shoe after me, but I wanted a good shoe! I don't want an ugly shoe, why do I always get the nana shoe? I don't wear those shoes, that's not my shoe, I don't want that shoe." - THE WORD SHOE HAS LOST ALL MEANING.

In case you were wondering what these supposedly godawful "nana" shoes looked like...yes, my grandmother gets around in wheels JUST like these!

:: "I'm going to name our bowel cleansing tea 'Gina'." - Janet's comeback to the shoe debacle. Nice one, Roach!

:: A final word on this shoe name fiasco: I've had a quick look at Gina's website, and it appears that a few of the names have indeed been changed. The Janet and Lydia shoes are still available, but there is no Gamble or Jackie, Chyka has been changed to Cheeky as requested, and Pettifleur is now Petite Fleur. And in what I assume is a nod to this season, there is also a Barbie heel. Nice one Liano.

:: Finally, I would just like to point out how SMOKING Jackie looked at her garden party. It might just be the best she's ever looked, she should do the Vargas girl thing more often. Mr Gillies is a lucky man.

Va va VOOM.

NEXT TIME: TeensyBlossom's book is finally dropping and of course, drama ensues at the launch party. Speaking of drama and parties, it's time for Gamble's hens night and OMGWHATASHOCK the rumours are back. As Jackie would say, BORE-ZO.

Catch up on previous Season 2 recaps here...
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6
Episode 7
Episode 8

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER :: Highlights from Episode 8 of Real Housewives Of Melbourne

Thrilla in Manila - Part Deux!

:: We pick up where we left off, at that wonderfully comfortable and not-at-all-awkward dinner at 71 Gramercy. As Lydia attempts to calm everyone down, we can see Jackie sitting at the head of the table, watching it all unfold. As Pettifleur & Gina start getting into it once again, Jackie appears to be winding up to step in. My angels are predicting a Gillies outburst of epic proportions. CAN. NOT. WAIT.

:: After some back & forth between Gina & TeensyB that really doesn't get anywhere - as Jackie would say, BORE-ZO - it all really kicks off when Jackie brings up an incident that occurred before a morning show appearance where Gina apparently suggested "throwing the newbies under the bus." Whilst I don't really have the time for this pointless argument, I do love the elasticity of Jackie's face. God she pulls out some awesome expressions...

:: Would you care for a summation of their argument? Well, it basically went like this:
"Fuck off"
"You get fucked"
"You are so full of shit"
"You are the biggest sack of shit I've ever met in my life"
...Such wordsmiths, our ladies.

:: "I get to enjoy doing something I really love." - What's that Chyka, plugging your friends business endeavors? Ooh, whatabitch. Sorry Chyks. And that's all I'll say about this little trip to the tea master, since I don't really want to pick on Janet & Jake. Good on them. 

:: "Who let the dog out? For Christ's sake, get back in your cage." - And this comment about Gamble tells me all I need to know about Pettifleur Berenger. What a delightful person she must be.

:: "We all have our own thing, like, I'm a devout Darwinist." Lydia no compute. Also, Darwinist? Oh, Gamble. Never change.

"I thought she said she was from Palm Beach..."

:: Lydia meeting her housekeepers parents...oh, how the culture cringe hurts. Between patting herself on the back for doing such a great job at keeping their daughter alive and listing taking care of her DOG as one of the great responsibilities that she's bestowed on Joanna, it's just embarrassing all round. Oh, and applauding the five year old for reading "National Geography." YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP PEOPLE.

:: "I'm about understated sophistication and elegance" BAHAHA. Yeah, righty-o TB. You keep telling yourself that. Care to take a look at what she deems to be understated, sophisticated & elegant? 

WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK IS THIS. She looks like an ice dancer who has seen better days but is still desperately clinging to dreams of Olympic glory..."I can still pull out a killer triple axle!"

 

:: I'm not commenting on this fucking Barbie name, nouveau-riche bullshit again, but this from TB: "why would you think I spend my money frivolously?" is just hilarious. This women is blind as a motherfucking bat. ...I apologize for my language, but God this woman gets under my skin. 

:: Let's just put this out there: It's never OK to ask someone about their finances. Nope. Don't do it. If they offer up information about it, that's one thing. But don't ever sit there and ask someone to spell out where they get their money from. So everybody, just be cool. I wish Lydia had ripped into TB a bit more though, she looked pretty offended on Gamble's behalf. 

:: "Money is not success. Success is being in a loving relationship." - Preach it Jackie. Who, by the way, is looking absolutely gorgeous a bit toned down with her hair pulled back in a low bun. 

:: "Listen, I tell my husband everything, and let me tell you, if he seemed disinterested he would never have married me in the first place." Jackie is on FIRE. 

NEXT TIME: Pig boy Carlos is back on the scene and, after being fingered as the source of those pesky rumors, is cornered by Gamble and her legal counsel. Good luck buddy.  

Highlights from Episode 7 of Real Housewives of Melbourne

STILL CATCHING UP OK.

:: "The top end of Collins St is like the Paris of shopping!" - I'm pretty sure Paris is the Paris of shopping Lydia, but I see what you're getting at. We open to Lyds taking Jackie & TeensyBlossom shopping at her favourite boutique, Cose Ipanema. 

:: "Is this real? I'm psychic, I pick up on energies." - That, or you know you're in a high end boutique that is probably not going to stock faux fur. Y'know. One or the other. Although I am happy to hear that she never wears real fur.

:: Five minutes in and I think Jackie has said "couture" about twenty times. And I have to wonder if she knows what couture actually means...oh well. Gives us a little break from "shine shine shine!"

:: "I haven't practiced with Cash at all, so we're sort of going in blind, but we've got a few moves...like he can walk!" - This bodes incredibly well for Cash & Gamble's competition hopes. 

:: "I think the reason we got third prize is because fourth prize forgot to blow dry her hair in the morning..." OUCH. I hope that poor woman - who probably spent a lot of time actually PREPARING for the show - wasn't watching. What a dig. 

:: I will not criticize this tea storyline, because Jake's story sounds heartbreaking and I can only imagine what he and Janet have been through, so good on them. HOWEVER - I do have to ask, what is Janet wearing? Her boobs look like they're smiling.

:: "You won't be allowed to leave hospital until you've done a poop." - I'm pretty sure that's only when you've undergone abdominal surgeries Gamble. My husband has had a knee & 2 shoulder recon's and there's definitely been no bowel requirements in any of his post-ops. I'm sure Tempest and her face lipo will be fine. 

:: At the hens night reccy with Chyka & Jackie...this is a beautiful venue and they seem to love it, so I'm wondering why this fell through and it eventually ends up being held in Gamble's back yard. (Not that her cliff top mansion and its ocean views aren't spectacular.) My guess is they didn't really have guest numbers to warrant a venue of this size...Anyway, that's not interesting when there are HOT HOTTIE HOT STRIPPERS to gawk at. In spite of her ballsy personality, Jackie chickens out of her lap dance and Chyka gets to enjoy the firm, oiled buttocks of a particularly chiseled policeman. Cheeky Chyka indeed.

:: "So you and Shane are just...really tight friends? He's gorgeous and obviously having a male friend, and gorgeous like that..." I don't know why Teensy is ignoring the fact that Lydia is married. What exactly is she getting at? Unless she knows something we don't, it's just incredibly insulting to Lydia and her husband...Oh, and also! I furiously object to the suggestion that men & women can't just be friends. What an absolute load. Anyway, here are Lydia & Chyka's faces when they realize that TBlossom is insinuating that Lydia is having an affair with Warnie...

 

"U WOT BITCH?"

:: "I never pack too much" is immediately followed by "I'm taking all these bags" and "I need all my sunglasses." Oh, TB. Never change. Also: if this is her not packing too much, I'd hate to see her over-pack. 

 

:: Whilst packing with her Filipina housekeeper, Lydia professes to not knowing much about the Philippines. This is evidenced by her reaction to hearing that they do indeed have traffic lights:

"REALLY???"

 

:: 40 minutes later and we finally arrive at the Solaire Resort and Casino in Manila. YSL Tributes and LV monogrammed luggage as far as the eye can see! As an aside - I worked for a company that had offices in Manila and I know from friends that have flown over that it is an absolute BITCH to travel to, either directly or with stopovers. I'd be very interested to know how the ladies travelled.

:: So 7 episodes in and this is the first we're hearing of Gamble's hearing impediment? That appears to only affect her ability to pronounce 'th' sounds and 'feminist'? Hmm. Interesting. ...I'm sorry, I shouldn't cast aspersions, for all I know she genuinely does have hearing issues. Whatabitch.

:: OK, the pearl shopping scene: This really bugged me, as an example of a total failure in English comprehension...or, in this instance, French. Seriously. No, Pettifleur, they did not name a range of jewellery after you. They weren't even called Pettifleur. The range was named "Petite Fleur", French for "little flower." It is not an uncommon phrase and your parents did not invent it, they simply bastardised it to create your moniker. The pieces were little flowers with pearl centres, so it was by no means an unbelievable choice on the part of the jewellers. Ugh. I apologise if I'm coming across as nasty, but I find PF to be incredibly insufferable.

CAN NONE OF THESE WOMEN READ???

:: "I think everyone has been so friendly and lovely" - Well, this is what happens in a country with no labour laws. Everybody is absolutely beautiful, because they're terrified of losing their jobs.

:: "The restaurant was on the seventy-oneth floor" - SEVENTY FUCKING ONETH. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE WORLD.

:: Along with Barbie names and stripper rumours, I am SO TIRED of listening to Switch The Bitch chatter. Seriously, we're in the back half of the season and I still have no idea what the fuck this book is supposed to be about. I say, Switch the Pitch, Ms Berenger: repeating the same phrases about various inner bitches over and over does not mean your concept becomes any clearer.

:: CLIFFHANGER. Just as things start to boil over between TeensyBlossom & Gina, the episode comes to a close. However, we are treated to a delightful teaser of THRILLA IN MANILA: PART DEUX, where it appears that all hell breaks lose, involving plenty of expletives and awesome facial contortions from Mrs Gillies.

Episode 8 recap - coming soon!

Highlights from Episode 6 of Real Housewives of Melbourne

Still catching up on my recaps, obviously. Forgive me, darlings.  

:: We start off at the AFL Grand Final - Sydney Swans v Hawthorn Hawks...or HAWFORN as Gamble would say. 

:: "That's my fashion." - Lydia's explanation for wearing red & white despite backing Hawthorn. I don't blame her, few people can pull off brown & mustard. 

:: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY CAN WE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STOP WITH THIS BARBIE NAME BULLSHIT. I refuse to comment on this inanity further. 

:: "I'm getting really tired of the Gamble & Janet saga." - You and me both, TeensyB. You and me both. 

:: Chyka's house is so freaking gorgeous, it actually makes me hate her a little bit. 

:: "Instead of shaking his ding dong in front of someone, he can shake his butt! That's classy! Of course you can have a hens night without strippers, but why would you?" - Jackie on Gamble's hens plans. There's a part of me that would love to party with Mrs Gillies. 

:: And we're in Sydney!! I find it odd that they're staying at the Sheraton though...I don't consider it one of our ritzier hotels, but oh well. 

:: I don't understand why TeensyBlossom is so offended at the suggestion of her googling Charles Billich. She mentioned doing her research, so...Sorry, did she hit the library?

:: We follow the ladies to the Billich Gallery in The Rocks - if you're ever visiting the gallery, I highly recommend the nearby Sailors Thai for dinner and Bar 100 for cocktails afterwards. 

:: "I was trying to engage Charlie in a conversation on Melbourne vs Sydney fashion" - The most tiresome rivalry of all time. OF ALL TIME. 

:: "I've known this young woman her whole life" - I feel like this statement has less gravitas when said by a sibling. Of course you've known them their whole life. You haven't really had a choice in the matter. 

:: And, as expected, the Gamble-Janet drama blows up AGAIN after Tempest defends her sister and Janet struts off into the night. GALLERY CAT IS JUDGING YOU ALL. 

:: Cameo appearance by one of my favourite local haunts, the Observer Hotel. Lovely staff, great beer garden & they normally have a decent pub band on the weekends. My mother in laws pick as well! THE OBSERVER: Recipient of the mamamedia MIL Seal Of Approval. 

What I would've given to be sitting outside the Ob at this moment...sigh.

:: "My outfit is a bit of class, a bit of fun, and lots of sophistication." - Umm...hmmm...I....BWAHAHA. Oh, Teensy. Never change. 

:: The ladies then hit Otto on the Woolloomooloo Finger Wharf for dinner. Another spot I recommend visiting if you're ever in our fair harbour city. The strip of restaurants is top notch, it has a beautiful view of the harbour (...and the Navy base) and if you're not in the mood for fine dining, then hit up Harry's Cafe de Wheels for the best hotdogs in town....or, as Laurina famously said on last years season of The Bachelor, a "dirty street pie." ANYWAY, back to dinner: The ladies make a pact to never mention the rumours drama ever again. Hahaha. Yeah, OK. We'll see.

NEXT TIME: Gamble does it doggie (show) style, Chyka gets hands on with some male strippers and the ladies hit Manila. God help the Philippines.

Highlights from Episode 5 of Real Housewives of Melbourne

Better late than never, amirite?

:: TeensyBlossom is back and dropping a cool $8k on a suit for son Nathan. They seem very close, which is sweet, but she does love drawing attention to his "strapping" physique and "cute" butt. 

:: "Don't love me to bits because of this. Love me to bits because I'm awesome." - OK, I will give her props for this. She seems to have a great attitude towards her money and her children. Out of respect, one mother to another, I'll use her proper name for this recap. You win this round Pettifleur. 

:: Gamble fangirls over Gina at a Fashion Aid event, emcee'd by the fabulous Em Rusciano. Gina auctions off a dress and Gamble brings up the Janet drama again. Yawn. 

:: Jackie escorts Janet to a "Cougar Night" of speed dating. Janet has come prepared with a list of questions. That is so cute. Meanwhile, Jackie stands on the side offering her psychic commentary and rambling on about whipping...something or other. 

:: "I think that what he's saying is I'll give you 15 minute orgasms in return for the fact that you pay for a very nice life for me...but I can probably do that myself." - Janet is a BOSS. 

:: Jackie & Ben have a meeting with Giant Model Management to find the new face of La Mascara. The look that Jackie's going for? "Someone that's shining on the inside as well as out!" The look on the scouts faces? "Oh God, what have we gotten ourselves into."

:: Jackie's psychic vibes from the headshots are just amazing: "She's a bitch." "She plays guitar." "She has five children." Just stellar. 

:: And now, to Bruce & Chyka's "chefs dinner" at The Big Group HQ. Gina was clearly enjoying the test tube soup...

:: The conversation soon turns to Lydia's sons recent wedding in Florence and she tears up talking about how her son is her child with two souls, after the loss of her firstborn. It's a really touching moment, and I think it's really great to see a woman publicly discussing her experience with infant loss, especially since so many women suffer silently. So thank you, Lydia. 

:: "Nah, none of that shit, they can all just piss off 'cause I said so." - Gina has no time for the spirits in her new house, nor Jackie's advice to smudge. 

:: Oh God, all this Barbie bullshit is so tedious. Yes, she called you nouveau-riche. Yes, she meant it in a derogatory manner. Yes, she's probably a bit of a dimwit. Can we move on please? I think Lydia said it best...

:: "It's just like the song: I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger, but she ain't hangin' with no broke...dudes...either." - Janet being both gangsta AND politically correct. 

NEXT TIME: The girls take a trip to Sydney and we meet Gamble's sister Tempest, who has some choice words for Janet. Set in my old stomping ground, the beautiful harbourside district of The Rocks. 

Highlights From Episode 4 of Real Housewives Of Melbourne

Two weeks late? I am on fire!!

Gamble VS Janet Round 3: GOLF EDITION.

:: "I'm hoping we can put the nonsense from Chadstone behind us, and get on with our 20 year friendship." Yeah, good luck with that one Janet. We open to her and Gina having lunch together and it ends about as well as can be expected. After general pleasantries, they get down to addressing the Gamble fiasco. Gina accuses Janet of lying and character assassination and Janet storms out.

:: Our first sighting of Bruce this season! Acting all Mr Boss Man at The Big Group and getting invited to quasi-royal Qatari weddings. He & Chyka then meet with Eddie McGuire at a venue they're developing together. A venue that is, according to Eddie, for Victoria! For Melbourne! For all of Australia! All in a days work, innit.

:: "Can you wear short shorts?" Jackie and Janet take a trip to Brooks Brothers to pick out golfing outfits and rehash the Gamble & Gina drama. Janet cries, and Jackie makes this face:

:: Gina has promo shots taken with a man that appears to be Australia's answer to Terry Richardson. "I think he really knows how to capture the essence of a woman." I bet he does, Gina. I bet he does.

:: Jackie & Ben meet Chyka & Bruce at their "pop up whiskey bar" Club 74, which they have closed for the night for dinner. Ahh, to have the kind of money where you can lose a nights takings from your limited-run venue for dinner with friends, and it ain't no thing. That's the dream. 

:: "She knows she's not a stripper. And even if she was, so what? At least she knows how to give it." - Jackie continues to be the best.

:: Ohhh, so Lydia & TeensyBlossom are both overseas during this ep. That means no "wow" or "switch the bitch" references tonight, guys. I'm sure your drinking games have all been severely affected.

:: OK, Gamble's golfing outfit is amazing. She's like Moonah Links Barbie. We're also witnessing an interesting amendment to the "stripper" story: Gamble has previously posed as a nude model and she seems to think this has been exaggerated into her being a stripper. This is how she is now justifying her heroin addict story: She has similarly blown a rumour about Janet out of proportion. All I have to say is: What is this Janet rumour? The people need to know!

:: "You started it!" - Gamble taking the playground defense here. Obviously receiving solid advice from Gina.

:: "Alright ladies, If I hear anything about any of you, I'm not going to say a word." Anyone want to place bets on how long it takes Janet to break this little promise, hmm?

NEXT TIME: Lydia has returned from Florence and regales the ladies with a tearful tale, Janet is in the market for a toyboy and Gamble VS Janet kicks off AGAIN over Wolfie.

Highlights From Episode 3 of Real Housewives Of Melbourne

This weeks RHOM recap is only 5 days late guys - getting better! I think a round of applause is in order.

:: "I always love seeing Lydia. We really do enjoy each others company." - As opposed to all those other bitches who you have to fake affection for, eh Chyka?

:: I had to take a photo of Lydia's reaction to the sex party rumours, because...well, see for yourself...

A picture really does say a thousand words.

:: "What's your psychic vibe on this whole thing?" "I think she's going to be very angry with you." - It doesn't take psychic abilities to know that a woman who has been accused of being an orgy-throwing, pole-dancing call girl is probably going to be pretty bent out of shape about it.

:: Oh, the obligatory "Switch The Bitch" reference. I'm still not feeling the concept, particularly now that we are being introduced to "co-author" and eyebrow waxer Charlotte's contribution: "An instructional guide to women to say this is the formula you need to do the ultimate dance of love and capturing the heart of the man you love." That was verbatim by the way. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. Meanwhile, TeensyBlossom is still going on about how it's for "all the bitches" to learn how to "switch the bitch." Again...what am I meant to be switching?!? Work on your elevator pitch TB!

:: "Chyka didn't hear those rumours from me!" - Umm, did we not see Janet first mentioning these rumours to Chyka and Jackie in the limo on the way to Gamble's murder mystery party last week? Hmm.

:: Oh God, Janet "fucks for heroin". Oh, Gamble. Gamble, Gamble, Gamble. Throwing mud at the wall and hoping that something sticks. This just brings to mind schoolkids in the playground...Which is fine, when it's schoolkids. But these women are in their 40s and 50s. Ladies! Please!

Jackie: Praying to the angels to give her strength

:: "But I will tell you...she was fuckin' fuming mate." - OK, I think Jackie is officially my favourite.

:: Whilst teaching Lydia poker, Shane Warne mentions "In cricket terms..." and then proceeds to make absolutely no reference to cricket. So either there was a comment edited out, or Shane just wanted to bring up cricket. "In cricket terms, I WAS A BIG DEAL BOWLER ONCE UPON A TIME, PLEASE DON'T FORGET ME AUSTRALIA." It's all good Warnie, we remember you.

:: "To be called a prostitute, for her, strikes at the very heart of who she is." - Captain Obvious over here. Also, ladies and gents? The correct term is sex worker. Insert shooting star.

A mamamedia Public Service Announcement

:: Chyka kicked her son out of his bedroom and turned it into a dressing room. Motherhood Goals.

:: Manuela is apparently the queen of the Melbourne social scene and, in her own words, "owns this town." However, the only press I can find on her - not including her shiny website, which mentions a coming skincare line and is in desperate need of a subeditor - are passing mentions in relation to the show. Although, I did find an article about the sale of TeensyBlossom's latest property development, which is being sold by Manuela. So there's that. The highlight of that article? When they mention TB's partner Frank having "no measurable social influence."

:: "There's no point in saying it or making it up, because then you're just as bad as her." - Gina wraps this episode up with some well spoken realness for Gamble: Cut the bullshit, stick to the facts. The defense rests.

NEXT TIME: The Gamble vs Janet brouhaha continues, the Housewives hit the "golf court" (thanks Jackie), and hilarity ensues. Probably.

Highlights From Episode 2 of Real Housewives Of Melbourne

Not as late as my premiere episode recap, round of applause please everyone!

:: "I asked for mirrors on the floor, so when I'm driving, I can check out my landing strip - because I go commando!" - I don't think TeensyBlossom exactly understands how mirrors work. Also: we get it. You don't wear underwear. This isn't as shocking a revelation as I think she thinks it is.

:: I don't know about you guys, but I know that when I'm out walking my Italian greyhound, I always choose a nice stacked heel in which to pound the pavement.

:: "Gamble has social smarts" - This is a nice way of saying "street smart", which is a nice way of saying "not book smart". I would normally feel bad about saying this, but I love Gamble and I think that she would admit the same, so it's all good.

:: FUN FACT: Jackie has an E cup chest. Congrats, Mr Gillies.

:: OK, this is where I am TOTALLY on Team Jackie & Janet - I can't stand people who think that retail assistants are their personal shoppers. Personally, I don't even feel comfortable handing back clothes that I'm not buying: I put them back on the rack myself. To see TeensyBlossom barking orders at poor Imogen...yeah, not a fan.

:: "It's a real mongrel of a woman" - Lydia cuts right to the chase, don't she.

:: Unless she's self publishing and willing to take a huge loss on this book, TeensyBlossom is going to have to polish the hell out of that book pitch.

:: So, the proposal: Are we thinking real, or staged? I have no doubt that Rick actually proposed to her, but do we think they recreated the moment for the cameras? Hmm.

:: "I've got Pettifleur up the end..." "You couldn't put her in another room?" - Janet's not holding back at all now, is she?

:: This episode just demonstrates how, whilst they are fun, it is IMPOSSIBLE to follow a murder mystery storyline whilst drinking. The last time I successfully followed a murder mystery was at a friend's birthday party...when we were 13. As an adult, you spend the whole time going "Who am I? Wait, I thought I was the maid? YOU'RE the maid? Who the hell am I? Am I the duchess? Oh wait, she's the dead one?!? Hang on, let me check my cards again..."

:: "Oh God, another Toorak woman, Melbourne socialite, writing a book. JUST what the world needs." - Gamble continues to own this episode.

:: I've got to be honest: learning that Gamble throws sex parties, if true, would make me like her MORE. Own that shit, lady. Bitches just be jealous that nobody's coming to their orgies.

NEXT TIME: The Gamble V Janet drama continues. SALACIOUS.

As always, I am running behind (I mean, Ep. 3 did screen tonight), but you'll have the recap as soon as possible lovelies! MY RECORDER IS FILLING UP SO QUICKLY YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER :: Highlights from the Season 2 Premiere of Real Housewives of Melbourne

YES, I KNOW, I KNOW - This premiered 2 weeks ago. I HAVE SO MUCH TV TO CATCH UP ON GUYS IT'S NOT FUNNY I'M DOING MY BEST MY BABY HAS TURNED INTO A DEMON CHILD WHO WON'T SLEEP ANYMORE AND I THINK I'M DYING.
Ahem. As you were.

Up until recently, I hadn't seen a second of the Melbourne Housewives, as - I'll be honest - I was kind of embarrassed for that beautiful city. It's Melbourne! The Paris of the South! It's easy to laugh at the American editions, but much harder when the bitchiness is closer to home.

However, I had picked up tidbits here & there from various recaps & interviews I'd seen about the place. I was aware that a former Silverchair member was involved, and that there had been quite a bit of nastiness surrounding Gina Liano. Other than that, I had no idea. So watching the Season 2 premiere was something of an educational experience. These women are just....well, let's take a look:

:: First of all, our introductions to the housewives are just stellar. Behold:

GINA: I deal in fact, not friction! [BECAUSE SHE'S A SUPER SERIOUS LAWYER PERSON]
LYDIA: I love tradition, but I am no traditional housewife!
JANET: Some people have ups and downs, I have rollercoaster rides!
JACKIE: Make light of me all you want, but I'm still going to shine!
CHYKA: Style is an attitude, not something you can buy. [Code for: I am the most normal one here.]
GAMBLE: Gamble on me and you're sure to win!
PETTIFLEUR: This little flower is no shrinking violet! [HER MADE UP NAME KIND OF MEANS LITTLE FLOWER GUYS GET IT?!]

:: Jackie greeting both Chyka and Lydia with exclamations about how much weight they've lost. Which, let's face it, is what every woman wants shouted in public: YOU WERE SO MUCH FATTER THAN YOU ARE NOW. Also: The fact that Jackie links Lydia's weight loss to her "shagging".

:: Ohhh, so THAT'S how you pronounce Chyka. I had no idea. Is it Chi-KUH? SHY-kuh? CHY-kuh? Shi-KUH? SO MANY POSSIBILITIES.

:: The lighting, hair and makeup in the talking heads segments is just awful. Why does every woman look 10 years older?! Seriously - compare Janet in her TH pieces, to her restaurant scene with Carlos. They look like two different people.

:: "What the hell is wrong with these people?? Go and buy your own bloody shampoo." - Jackie, upon hearing Lydia's shopping list for her PA. I gotta say, I'm liking this gal.

:: ATTN BAKERS: Do you want your clients to stop hassling you for prices? Then give Chris @ LET THEM EAT CAKE a call. He's currently offering classes.

:: Again, what is the deal with the talking heads? Gamble's hair looks like a helmet.

:: "It's important not to let the cork fly out. It's actually a significant danger to eyes." - Gamble's partner Rick, the ophthalmologist. Dude, I hate to break it to you...but you don't need a fancypants degree to know that champagne corks can do some damage to the ol' peepers.

:: "I thought it might be nice to invite her to my birthday party" - Janet. READ: Casting lined this up. I have no idea who this woman is.

:: MASSIVE GENERALISATION ALERT: Every man I have ever known with hair like Pettifleur's son has been a d-bag. Sorry to say. Particularly in the corporate wor- oh, her son is in finance. Ding ding ding.

:: FRIENDZONE LEVEL: PET PIG achieved. Sorry Carlos. Swing and a miss.

NEXT TIME: We go Bentley shopping with TeensyBlossom and there are RUMOURS about Gamble's PAST with MEN. THIS CONFLICT IS TOTALLY ORGANIC AND IS ABSOLUTELY NOT SCRIPTED.

Episode 2 is lined up on my recorder to recap, so you'll probably have that sometime in April. My finger is right on the pulse here ladies and gents.