BETTER LATE THAN NEVER :: Highlights from Episode 10 of Real Housewives of Melbourne

Before we start - I've recently caught up on the first season of RHOM, and holy shitballs, this season is TAME in comparison, right? Lydia was a BITCH, I'm not surprised she's being so quiet this time around. I now understand why I was hearing so much yapping about it last year. Jeeeeez.

:: We open with Gamble and Wolf Pup shopping for six figure diamonds, y'know, as you do. I had to laugh at the expression on the jeweller's face when Gamble was rattling off her & Rick's past marriages. Also, are there actually non-television jewellers out there happy to send you home with diamonds to test drive?

"How in the everloving fuck did I end up with these two..."

:: As much as I love their mother-daughter shenanigans, something odd jumped out at me during Chyka and Chessie's shopping jaunt: As they discusses their purchases, Chessie said a few things that made it sound as though Bruce was picking up the tab...I would think such a fabulous working woman as Cheeks would have her own card to flash around town? Hmm. Curiouser and curiouser...I mean, if you're a weirdo nitpicker like me who notices these things...

:: Ahh, women. The things we put ourselves through in the name of beauty. My aunt likes to say "Beauty knows no pain." Well, beauty might not but Jackie sure did. PRO TIP: Race days are LOOONG days. If your neck is aching before you've even arrived, you've made a poor millinery choice.

:: Noticed this guy in the background. Dude. YOU ARE IN A MARQUEE. Wherefore art thou suit? Seriously, he doesn't appear to be working the event: How dafuq did he get into a marquee on Derby Day in a T-shirt?!? WE'VE GOT A BROKEN ARROW PEOPLE NO ONE IS MANNING THE GATES.

:: "Do you realise that Botox is actually paralysing the muscles?" - OH MY GOD PETTIFLEUR NO FREAKING WAY THAT IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION /sarcasm.

:: "On the third level there is this amazing rooftop garden designed by Jamie Durie - and you can even see the horses from there!" - That's good Janet, it is nice to be able to see the horses AT THE FUCKING RACES.

:: I would love to think that the launch of The Bitch Switch Switch The Bitch means that we won't hear any more of it...but I'm not holding my breath. It might've been a dick move, but I do love that Gamble forced TeensyBlossom to admit that she's self publishing. She might spin it as a way for her to retain creative control, but I'd be willing to put money on the fact not a single publisher saw a market for it. Which is often the case when someone produces a vanity project: they're creating for themselves, not for consumers. No market = no money.

:: I had to laugh when Lydia admitted to not reading the book, as she "didn't have the time" for it. Sweet Lydia, it's 190 pages long. The issue of Vanity Fair I'm reading at the moment has more pages. Although...are we sure that Lydia can read?

:: By the way, if you're after an evil afternoon of schadenfreude, do yourself a favour and take a look at the Amazon reviews for Switch The Bitch. It's...every bit as amazing as you expect! (read: people are asking for their money back.)

:: There truly is no love like that between a son and his stepmother...

:: And here is where I white knight for Gamble re: her aversion to strippers. Not all women enjoy having a strange man's torso thrust in their face, no matter how ripped he may be. I have no problems with strippers - in my pre-baby days, I visited plenty of strip clubs with B and our mates and have received lap dances from female performers - but I would probably behave the same as Gamble with a male stripper. If I wanted greased up pecs all up in my grill, I'd be home with my husband and a bottle of Crisco.

:: I love that Chyka of all people is the one to gift Gamble a box of sex toys. Nice one, Keebaugh. I did enjoy watching these middle aged women trying to figure out the egg. If any of you are still curious: it's a male masturbator. Honey Birdette has a range if that sort of thing floats your boat! Once when I was in store, I had a (female, calm down) staff member demonstrate the egg for me, they are...interesting.

NEXT TIME: We finish the season on a high note, and by high, I mean that Pettifleur's 50th celebrations look completely cracked out.

Catch up on previous Season 2 recaps here...
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6
Episode 7
Episode 8
Episode 9

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER :: Highlights from Episode 9 of Real Housewives Of Melbourne

GAH I KNOW, IT'S COMICAL HOW LATE THESE ARE NOW BEING POSTED. I'm rolling with it though. I'm a stubborn so-and-so and am determined to see the season through!

:: "Jackie has definitely had a recent obsession with saying couture. Everything's couture. I don't know why she keeps saying it." Ben Gillies, we're all with you on that one. 

:: And now it's time for Lydia to unveil her masterpiece of a newly renovated home. I have to say, she - or more likely, the crew of contractors that would have put it together - has done a beautiful job. I am majorly coveting the oversize ornate mirror and leather chairs in her sitting room...although the height of her book stacks basically says "these books will never be read again."

GET IN MY HOUSE ALREADY.

:: "Taken out of contents." - Oh Gamble. Dear, sweet, Gamble. It's "context" honey.

:: I do wish they hadn't set up the Gamble-Pig Boy Carlos confrontation (because we know the producers had a hand in this) at the launch of Janet & Jake's tea range. Obviously, it was a plot point that needed to happen, but surely there were more appropriate events at which it could have occurred than at the launch for a charity product inspired by a young man's tragedy. As for Carlos: I can't stand people who run their mouths but then don't have the balls to back themselves when called on it. Stop trying to weasel your way out of it dude, just give them a straight answer and they'll leave you alone. All this hemming and hawwing just makes you look like you've made it all up. Also, have I mentioned how played out this damn storyline is? I mean...God. Move on already.

That'll do, Pig Boy. That'll do.

::  "Pettifleur loves the word stupid, she calls everybody stupid. Well...takes one to know one." - Gina Liano, criminal barrister. That is all.

:: "I'm the Imelda Marcos of Melbourne!" - So you also were married to a corrupt president and financed a lavish lifestyle with millions of dollars of public funds? What a plot twist!

:: "Whether she has the expertise to run a business, we'll see." - Lydia questioning Gina's business nous. Lydia, who thinks "seventy-oneth" is a thing, questioning barrister Gina, who has worked in the fashion industry with her sisters as far back as 1985. Yeah, I'm sure Gina is the novice here. Totally.

:: Oh hai there, shiny new Tempest. Quick thought: I'm not sure that it's the best idea to be drinking champagne when you've just undergone surgery...Putting aside issues with the effects drinking whilst taking pain medication, alcohol exacerbates swelling and bruising...anyway, each to their own. For all I know, it was sparkling apple juice. You do you, ladies.

This is where $50,000 worth of surgery gets you, BTdubs.

:: A verbatim quote from Janet: "I didn't care if she named a shoe after me, but I wanted a good shoe! I don't want an ugly shoe, why do I always get the nana shoe? I don't wear those shoes, that's not my shoe, I don't want that shoe." - THE WORD SHOE HAS LOST ALL MEANING.

In case you were wondering what these supposedly godawful "nana" shoes looked like...yes, my grandmother gets around in wheels JUST like these!

:: "I'm going to name our bowel cleansing tea 'Gina'." - Janet's comeback to the shoe debacle. Nice one, Roach!

:: A final word on this shoe name fiasco: I've had a quick look at Gina's website, and it appears that a few of the names have indeed been changed. The Janet and Lydia shoes are still available, but there is no Gamble or Jackie, Chyka has been changed to Cheeky as requested, and Pettifleur is now Petite Fleur. And in what I assume is a nod to this season, there is also a Barbie heel. Nice one Liano.

:: Finally, I would just like to point out how SMOKING Jackie looked at her garden party. It might just be the best she's ever looked, she should do the Vargas girl thing more often. Mr Gillies is a lucky man.

Va va VOOM.

NEXT TIME: TeensyBlossom's book is finally dropping and of course, drama ensues at the launch party. Speaking of drama and parties, it's time for Gamble's hens night and OMGWHATASHOCK the rumours are back. As Jackie would say, BORE-ZO.

Catch up on previous Season 2 recaps here...
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6
Episode 7
Episode 8

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER :: Highlights from Episode 8 of Real Housewives Of Melbourne

Thrilla in Manila - Part Deux!

:: We pick up where we left off, at that wonderfully comfortable and not-at-all-awkward dinner at 71 Gramercy. As Lydia attempts to calm everyone down, we can see Jackie sitting at the head of the table, watching it all unfold. As Pettifleur & Gina start getting into it once again, Jackie appears to be winding up to step in. My angels are predicting a Gillies outburst of epic proportions. CAN. NOT. WAIT.

:: After some back & forth between Gina & TeensyB that really doesn't get anywhere - as Jackie would say, BORE-ZO - it all really kicks off when Jackie brings up an incident that occurred before a morning show appearance where Gina apparently suggested "throwing the newbies under the bus." Whilst I don't really have the time for this pointless argument, I do love the elasticity of Jackie's face. God she pulls out some awesome expressions...

:: Would you care for a summation of their argument? Well, it basically went like this:
"Fuck off"
"You get fucked"
"You are so full of shit"
"You are the biggest sack of shit I've ever met in my life"
...Such wordsmiths, our ladies.

:: "I get to enjoy doing something I really love." - What's that Chyka, plugging your friends business endeavors? Ooh, whatabitch. Sorry Chyks. And that's all I'll say about this little trip to the tea master, since I don't really want to pick on Janet & Jake. Good on them. 

:: "Who let the dog out? For Christ's sake, get back in your cage." - And this comment about Gamble tells me all I need to know about Pettifleur Berenger. What a delightful person she must be.

:: "We all have our own thing, like, I'm a devout Darwinist." Lydia no compute. Also, Darwinist? Oh, Gamble. Never change.

"I thought she said she was from Palm Beach..."

:: Lydia meeting her housekeepers parents...oh, how the culture cringe hurts. Between patting herself on the back for doing such a great job at keeping their daughter alive and listing taking care of her DOG as one of the great responsibilities that she's bestowed on Joanna, it's just embarrassing all round. Oh, and applauding the five year old for reading "National Geography." YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP PEOPLE.

:: "I'm about understated sophistication and elegance" BAHAHA. Yeah, righty-o TB. You keep telling yourself that. Care to take a look at what she deems to be understated, sophisticated & elegant? 

WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK IS THIS. She looks like an ice dancer who has seen better days but is still desperately clinging to dreams of Olympic glory..."I can still pull out a killer triple axle!"

 

:: I'm not commenting on this fucking Barbie name, nouveau-riche bullshit again, but this from TB: "why would you think I spend my money frivolously?" is just hilarious. This women is blind as a motherfucking bat. ...I apologize for my language, but God this woman gets under my skin. 

:: Let's just put this out there: It's never OK to ask someone about their finances. Nope. Don't do it. If they offer up information about it, that's one thing. But don't ever sit there and ask someone to spell out where they get their money from. So everybody, just be cool. I wish Lydia had ripped into TB a bit more though, she looked pretty offended on Gamble's behalf. 

:: "Money is not success. Success is being in a loving relationship." - Preach it Jackie. Who, by the way, is looking absolutely gorgeous a bit toned down with her hair pulled back in a low bun. 

:: "Listen, I tell my husband everything, and let me tell you, if he seemed disinterested he would never have married me in the first place." Jackie is on FIRE. 

NEXT TIME: Pig boy Carlos is back on the scene and, after being fingered as the source of those pesky rumors, is cornered by Gamble and her legal counsel. Good luck buddy.