Highlights from Episode 7 of Real Housewives of Melbourne

STILL CATCHING UP OK.

:: "The top end of Collins St is like the Paris of shopping!" - I'm pretty sure Paris is the Paris of shopping Lydia, but I see what you're getting at. We open to Lyds taking Jackie & TeensyBlossom shopping at her favourite boutique, Cose Ipanema. 

:: "Is this real? I'm psychic, I pick up on energies." - That, or you know you're in a high end boutique that is probably not going to stock faux fur. Y'know. One or the other. Although I am happy to hear that she never wears real fur.

:: Five minutes in and I think Jackie has said "couture" about twenty times. And I have to wonder if she knows what couture actually means...oh well. Gives us a little break from "shine shine shine!"

:: "I haven't practiced with Cash at all, so we're sort of going in blind, but we've got a few moves...like he can walk!" - This bodes incredibly well for Cash & Gamble's competition hopes. 

:: "I think the reason we got third prize is because fourth prize forgot to blow dry her hair in the morning..." OUCH. I hope that poor woman - who probably spent a lot of time actually PREPARING for the show - wasn't watching. What a dig. 

:: I will not criticize this tea storyline, because Jake's story sounds heartbreaking and I can only imagine what he and Janet have been through, so good on them. HOWEVER - I do have to ask, what is Janet wearing? Her boobs look like they're smiling.

:: "You won't be allowed to leave hospital until you've done a poop." - I'm pretty sure that's only when you've undergone abdominal surgeries Gamble. My husband has had a knee & 2 shoulder recon's and there's definitely been no bowel requirements in any of his post-ops. I'm sure Tempest and her face lipo will be fine. 

:: At the hens night reccy with Chyka & Jackie...this is a beautiful venue and they seem to love it, so I'm wondering why this fell through and it eventually ends up being held in Gamble's back yard. (Not that her cliff top mansion and its ocean views aren't spectacular.) My guess is they didn't really have guest numbers to warrant a venue of this size...Anyway, that's not interesting when there are HOT HOTTIE HOT STRIPPERS to gawk at. In spite of her ballsy personality, Jackie chickens out of her lap dance and Chyka gets to enjoy the firm, oiled buttocks of a particularly chiseled policeman. Cheeky Chyka indeed.

:: "So you and Shane are just...really tight friends? He's gorgeous and obviously having a male friend, and gorgeous like that..." I don't know why Teensy is ignoring the fact that Lydia is married. What exactly is she getting at? Unless she knows something we don't, it's just incredibly insulting to Lydia and her husband...Oh, and also! I furiously object to the suggestion that men & women can't just be friends. What an absolute load. Anyway, here are Lydia & Chyka's faces when they realize that TBlossom is insinuating that Lydia is having an affair with Warnie...

 

"U WOT BITCH?"

:: "I never pack too much" is immediately followed by "I'm taking all these bags" and "I need all my sunglasses." Oh, TB. Never change. Also: if this is her not packing too much, I'd hate to see her over-pack. 

 

:: Whilst packing with her Filipina housekeeper, Lydia professes to not knowing much about the Philippines. This is evidenced by her reaction to hearing that they do indeed have traffic lights:

"REALLY???"

 

:: 40 minutes later and we finally arrive at the Solaire Resort and Casino in Manila. YSL Tributes and LV monogrammed luggage as far as the eye can see! As an aside - I worked for a company that had offices in Manila and I know from friends that have flown over that it is an absolute BITCH to travel to, either directly or with stopovers. I'd be very interested to know how the ladies travelled.

:: So 7 episodes in and this is the first we're hearing of Gamble's hearing impediment? That appears to only affect her ability to pronounce 'th' sounds and 'feminist'? Hmm. Interesting. ...I'm sorry, I shouldn't cast aspersions, for all I know she genuinely does have hearing issues. Whatabitch.

:: OK, the pearl shopping scene: This really bugged me, as an example of a total failure in English comprehension...or, in this instance, French. Seriously. No, Pettifleur, they did not name a range of jewellery after you. They weren't even called Pettifleur. The range was named "Petite Fleur", French for "little flower." It is not an uncommon phrase and your parents did not invent it, they simply bastardised it to create your moniker. The pieces were little flowers with pearl centres, so it was by no means an unbelievable choice on the part of the jewellers. Ugh. I apologise if I'm coming across as nasty, but I find PF to be incredibly insufferable.

CAN NONE OF THESE WOMEN READ???

:: "I think everyone has been so friendly and lovely" - Well, this is what happens in a country with no labour laws. Everybody is absolutely beautiful, because they're terrified of losing their jobs.

:: "The restaurant was on the seventy-oneth floor" - SEVENTY FUCKING ONETH. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE WORLD.

:: Along with Barbie names and stripper rumours, I am SO TIRED of listening to Switch The Bitch chatter. Seriously, we're in the back half of the season and I still have no idea what the fuck this book is supposed to be about. I say, Switch the Pitch, Ms Berenger: repeating the same phrases about various inner bitches over and over does not mean your concept becomes any clearer.

:: CLIFFHANGER. Just as things start to boil over between TeensyBlossom & Gina, the episode comes to a close. However, we are treated to a delightful teaser of THRILLA IN MANILA: PART DEUX, where it appears that all hell breaks lose, involving plenty of expletives and awesome facial contortions from Mrs Gillies.

Episode 8 recap - coming soon!