Highlights From Episode 4 of Real Housewives Of Melbourne

Two weeks late? I am on fire!!

Gamble VS Janet Round 3: GOLF EDITION.

:: "I'm hoping we can put the nonsense from Chadstone behind us, and get on with our 20 year friendship." Yeah, good luck with that one Janet. We open to her and Gina having lunch together and it ends about as well as can be expected. After general pleasantries, they get down to addressing the Gamble fiasco. Gina accuses Janet of lying and character assassination and Janet storms out.

:: Our first sighting of Bruce this season! Acting all Mr Boss Man at The Big Group and getting invited to quasi-royal Qatari weddings. He & Chyka then meet with Eddie McGuire at a venue they're developing together. A venue that is, according to Eddie, for Victoria! For Melbourne! For all of Australia! All in a days work, innit.

:: "Can you wear short shorts?" Jackie and Janet take a trip to Brooks Brothers to pick out golfing outfits and rehash the Gamble & Gina drama. Janet cries, and Jackie makes this face:

:: Gina has promo shots taken with a man that appears to be Australia's answer to Terry Richardson. "I think he really knows how to capture the essence of a woman." I bet he does, Gina. I bet he does.

:: Jackie & Ben meet Chyka & Bruce at their "pop up whiskey bar" Club 74, which they have closed for the night for dinner. Ahh, to have the kind of money where you can lose a nights takings from your limited-run venue for dinner with friends, and it ain't no thing. That's the dream. 

:: "She knows she's not a stripper. And even if she was, so what? At least she knows how to give it." - Jackie continues to be the best.

:: Ohhh, so Lydia & TeensyBlossom are both overseas during this ep. That means no "wow" or "switch the bitch" references tonight, guys. I'm sure your drinking games have all been severely affected.

:: OK, Gamble's golfing outfit is amazing. She's like Moonah Links Barbie. We're also witnessing an interesting amendment to the "stripper" story: Gamble has previously posed as a nude model and she seems to think this has been exaggerated into her being a stripper. This is how she is now justifying her heroin addict story: She has similarly blown a rumour about Janet out of proportion. All I have to say is: What is this Janet rumour? The people need to know!

:: "You started it!" - Gamble taking the playground defense here. Obviously receiving solid advice from Gina.

:: "Alright ladies, If I hear anything about any of you, I'm not going to say a word." Anyone want to place bets on how long it takes Janet to break this little promise, hmm?

NEXT TIME: Lydia has returned from Florence and regales the ladies with a tearful tale, Janet is in the market for a toyboy and Gamble VS Janet kicks off AGAIN over Wolfie.

Highlights From Episode 3 of Real Housewives Of Melbourne

This weeks RHOM recap is only 5 days late guys - getting better! I think a round of applause is in order.

:: "I always love seeing Lydia. We really do enjoy each others company." - As opposed to all those other bitches who you have to fake affection for, eh Chyka?

:: I had to take a photo of Lydia's reaction to the sex party rumours, because...well, see for yourself...

A picture really does say a thousand words.

:: "What's your psychic vibe on this whole thing?" "I think she's going to be very angry with you." - It doesn't take psychic abilities to know that a woman who has been accused of being an orgy-throwing, pole-dancing call girl is probably going to be pretty bent out of shape about it.

:: Oh, the obligatory "Switch The Bitch" reference. I'm still not feeling the concept, particularly now that we are being introduced to "co-author" and eyebrow waxer Charlotte's contribution: "An instructional guide to women to say this is the formula you need to do the ultimate dance of love and capturing the heart of the man you love." That was verbatim by the way. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. Meanwhile, TeensyBlossom is still going on about how it's for "all the bitches" to learn how to "switch the bitch." Again...what am I meant to be switching?!? Work on your elevator pitch TB!

:: "Chyka didn't hear those rumours from me!" - Umm, did we not see Janet first mentioning these rumours to Chyka and Jackie in the limo on the way to Gamble's murder mystery party last week? Hmm.

:: Oh God, Janet "fucks for heroin". Oh, Gamble. Gamble, Gamble, Gamble. Throwing mud at the wall and hoping that something sticks. This just brings to mind schoolkids in the playground...Which is fine, when it's schoolkids. But these women are in their 40s and 50s. Ladies! Please!

Jackie: Praying to the angels to give her strength

:: "But I will tell you...she was fuckin' fuming mate." - OK, I think Jackie is officially my favourite.

:: Whilst teaching Lydia poker, Shane Warne mentions "In cricket terms..." and then proceeds to make absolutely no reference to cricket. So either there was a comment edited out, or Shane just wanted to bring up cricket. "In cricket terms, I WAS A BIG DEAL BOWLER ONCE UPON A TIME, PLEASE DON'T FORGET ME AUSTRALIA." It's all good Warnie, we remember you.

:: "To be called a prostitute, for her, strikes at the very heart of who she is." - Captain Obvious over here. Also, ladies and gents? The correct term is sex worker. Insert shooting star.

A mamamedia Public Service Announcement

:: Chyka kicked her son out of his bedroom and turned it into a dressing room. Motherhood Goals.

:: Manuela is apparently the queen of the Melbourne social scene and, in her own words, "owns this town." However, the only press I can find on her - not including her shiny website, which mentions a coming skincare line and is in desperate need of a subeditor - are passing mentions in relation to the show. Although, I did find an article about the sale of TeensyBlossom's latest property development, which is being sold by Manuela. So there's that. The highlight of that article? When they mention TB's partner Frank having "no measurable social influence."

:: "There's no point in saying it or making it up, because then you're just as bad as her." - Gina wraps this episode up with some well spoken realness for Gamble: Cut the bullshit, stick to the facts. The defense rests.

NEXT TIME: The Gamble vs Janet brouhaha continues, the Housewives hit the "golf court" (thanks Jackie), and hilarity ensues. Probably.

Highlights From Episode 2 of Real Housewives Of Melbourne

Not as late as my premiere episode recap, round of applause please everyone!

:: "I asked for mirrors on the floor, so when I'm driving, I can check out my landing strip - because I go commando!" - I don't think TeensyBlossom exactly understands how mirrors work. Also: we get it. You don't wear underwear. This isn't as shocking a revelation as I think she thinks it is.

:: I don't know about you guys, but I know that when I'm out walking my Italian greyhound, I always choose a nice stacked heel in which to pound the pavement.

:: "Gamble has social smarts" - This is a nice way of saying "street smart", which is a nice way of saying "not book smart". I would normally feel bad about saying this, but I love Gamble and I think that she would admit the same, so it's all good.

:: FUN FACT: Jackie has an E cup chest. Congrats, Mr Gillies.

:: OK, this is where I am TOTALLY on Team Jackie & Janet - I can't stand people who think that retail assistants are their personal shoppers. Personally, I don't even feel comfortable handing back clothes that I'm not buying: I put them back on the rack myself. To see TeensyBlossom barking orders at poor Imogen...yeah, not a fan.

:: "It's a real mongrel of a woman" - Lydia cuts right to the chase, don't she.

:: Unless she's self publishing and willing to take a huge loss on this book, TeensyBlossom is going to have to polish the hell out of that book pitch.

:: So, the proposal: Are we thinking real, or staged? I have no doubt that Rick actually proposed to her, but do we think they recreated the moment for the cameras? Hmm.

:: "I've got Pettifleur up the end..." "You couldn't put her in another room?" - Janet's not holding back at all now, is she?

:: This episode just demonstrates how, whilst they are fun, it is IMPOSSIBLE to follow a murder mystery storyline whilst drinking. The last time I successfully followed a murder mystery was at a friend's birthday party...when we were 13. As an adult, you spend the whole time going "Who am I? Wait, I thought I was the maid? YOU'RE the maid? Who the hell am I? Am I the duchess? Oh wait, she's the dead one?!? Hang on, let me check my cards again..."

:: "Oh God, another Toorak woman, Melbourne socialite, writing a book. JUST what the world needs." - Gamble continues to own this episode.

:: I've got to be honest: learning that Gamble throws sex parties, if true, would make me like her MORE. Own that shit, lady. Bitches just be jealous that nobody's coming to their orgies.

NEXT TIME: The Gamble V Janet drama continues. SALACIOUS.

As always, I am running behind (I mean, Ep. 3 did screen tonight), but you'll have the recap as soon as possible lovelies! MY RECORDER IS FILLING UP SO QUICKLY YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER :: Highlights from the Season 2 Premiere of Real Housewives of Melbourne

YES, I KNOW, I KNOW - This premiered 2 weeks ago. I HAVE SO MUCH TV TO CATCH UP ON GUYS IT'S NOT FUNNY I'M DOING MY BEST MY BABY HAS TURNED INTO A DEMON CHILD WHO WON'T SLEEP ANYMORE AND I THINK I'M DYING.
Ahem. As you were.

Up until recently, I hadn't seen a second of the Melbourne Housewives, as - I'll be honest - I was kind of embarrassed for that beautiful city. It's Melbourne! The Paris of the South! It's easy to laugh at the American editions, but much harder when the bitchiness is closer to home.

However, I had picked up tidbits here & there from various recaps & interviews I'd seen about the place. I was aware that a former Silverchair member was involved, and that there had been quite a bit of nastiness surrounding Gina Liano. Other than that, I had no idea. So watching the Season 2 premiere was something of an educational experience. These women are just....well, let's take a look:

:: First of all, our introductions to the housewives are just stellar. Behold:

GINA: I deal in fact, not friction! [BECAUSE SHE'S A SUPER SERIOUS LAWYER PERSON]
LYDIA: I love tradition, but I am no traditional housewife!
JANET: Some people have ups and downs, I have rollercoaster rides!
JACKIE: Make light of me all you want, but I'm still going to shine!
CHYKA: Style is an attitude, not something you can buy. [Code for: I am the most normal one here.]
GAMBLE: Gamble on me and you're sure to win!
PETTIFLEUR: This little flower is no shrinking violet! [HER MADE UP NAME KIND OF MEANS LITTLE FLOWER GUYS GET IT?!]

:: Jackie greeting both Chyka and Lydia with exclamations about how much weight they've lost. Which, let's face it, is what every woman wants shouted in public: YOU WERE SO MUCH FATTER THAN YOU ARE NOW. Also: The fact that Jackie links Lydia's weight loss to her "shagging".

:: Ohhh, so THAT'S how you pronounce Chyka. I had no idea. Is it Chi-KUH? SHY-kuh? CHY-kuh? Shi-KUH? SO MANY POSSIBILITIES.

:: The lighting, hair and makeup in the talking heads segments is just awful. Why does every woman look 10 years older?! Seriously - compare Janet in her TH pieces, to her restaurant scene with Carlos. They look like two different people.

:: "What the hell is wrong with these people?? Go and buy your own bloody shampoo." - Jackie, upon hearing Lydia's shopping list for her PA. I gotta say, I'm liking this gal.

:: ATTN BAKERS: Do you want your clients to stop hassling you for prices? Then give Chris @ LET THEM EAT CAKE a call. He's currently offering classes.

:: Again, what is the deal with the talking heads? Gamble's hair looks like a helmet.

:: "It's important not to let the cork fly out. It's actually a significant danger to eyes." - Gamble's partner Rick, the ophthalmologist. Dude, I hate to break it to you...but you don't need a fancypants degree to know that champagne corks can do some damage to the ol' peepers.

:: "I thought it might be nice to invite her to my birthday party" - Janet. READ: Casting lined this up. I have no idea who this woman is.

:: MASSIVE GENERALISATION ALERT: Every man I have ever known with hair like Pettifleur's son has been a d-bag. Sorry to say. Particularly in the corporate wor- oh, her son is in finance. Ding ding ding.

:: FRIENDZONE LEVEL: PET PIG achieved. Sorry Carlos. Swing and a miss.

NEXT TIME: We go Bentley shopping with TeensyBlossom and there are RUMOURS about Gamble's PAST with MEN. THIS CONFLICT IS TOTALLY ORGANIC AND IS ABSOLUTELY NOT SCRIPTED.

Episode 2 is lined up on my recorder to recap, so you'll probably have that sometime in April. My finger is right on the pulse here ladies and gents.