mamamedia recaps :: Episode 4 of The Bachelor Australia

No messing around this time - we get straight into some WHITE ROSE ACTION.

"I'm not interested in the big jets or the beautiful air balloon rides, I want to do the things that come more naturally to me." And with that, Heather sneaks out of Bach Manor, white rose in hand, to whisk Sammy Boy away on what she hopes will be the BEST DATE OF HIS LIFE.

 

As she makes her getaway, Osher strolls into the kitchen to let the other girls know that Heather is finally using her rose. "Ohhh, so THAT'S why there's a camera crew filming our breakfast - a breakfast attended by every woman in the house bar Heather. OHHH. It all makes sense now. Yeah, we TOTALLY hadn't noticed that anything was amiss." As always, Emily pulls out an epic bitchface when she hears the news, saying that she's happy as she thinks Heather feels the white rose gives her immunity, but she's not worried as none of the girls see Heather as a romantic threat.

 

Heather rocks up to the Bachelor pad, completely taking Sam by surpise - he welcomes her by saying "I thought you were wardrobe!" and admits that he was just sitting around in his trackpants watching NBA. Cute.

As they drive off to their mystery location together, Heather explains how the date has been set up to give Sam an idea of who she really is. Then this exchange occurs:
HEATHER: "So I don't know if you've realised yet, but I'm kind of a little bit awkward?"
SAM: "No, I've realised. Yeah, I realised early on"
HEATHER: "Yeah, good. OK, right-o. Moving on."
SAM: "Nah, in a cute way!"
Aww. I LIKE THESE TWO OKAY SO SUE ME.

We pull up in front of Propped Up Studios in Marrickville, where Heather explains that whilst she wants Sam to get to know her life, she also wants to see what he's passionate about...which is why she's set up a little circuit for him to train her. She may have been regretting this though, as Sam doesn't go easy on her. In Heather's words, "dude knows how to work out."

Back at Bach Manor, a golden envelope arrives, inviting Rachel, Ebru, Jasmin, Sarah, Joni, Anal Glands Laura and Shitstorm Sandra to enjoy some "fun and games." Whilst Nina frets about why she hasn't yet been asked on a date, Emily sits back, cool as a cucumber, saying that she feels safe, as it seems that the girls on the dates are the ones who are being sent home. Some may say she's being cocky, but with the exception of the girls eliminated in the premiere, every other girl not to receive a rose has been on a date in the same episode...so, she kind of has a point.

Meanwhile, Heather & Sam have slipped into their Lycra to shoot the poster for The Adventures of Bachman & H-Bomb. Yes, the superhero thing is happening. And whilst the other girls may have thought the idea childish, Sam is definitely into it, saying that he's "waited 15 years for this" and giggling like a little boy. Adorable.

"We're not done being superheroes!" Heather leads Sam into the final act: the heroes now get to wrestle...in an inflatable pool...full of jelly. Oh yeah. She was initially worried that he wouldn't be into it, but this fear is put to bed pretty quickly as he body slams her. As they lay panting in the jelly afterwards, Sam admits that it's the most fun he's ever had on a date. TEN POINTS TO HEATHER.

Definitely looks like a man who is having a terrible time...

My favourite part of this scene though is how it was intercut with footage of Emily telling Jasmin that she doesn't see anything happening between Sam & Heather, and that she "doesn't get it." Totally. "I mean, their conversation flows easily, they have heaps of fun together and she makes him laugh? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND."

Back at the Bach Pad, Heather & Sam set about cooking dinner and opening up to each other about their childhoods. A very sweet and easy conversation flows, but beneath it, Sam is starting to worry that he & Heather could easily slip into the dreaded FRIENDZONE *dun dun DUNNN*

Yeah, I hate this whole "friendzone" thing. I've had several male friendships be reduced to "ahh, you friendzoned him" which offends me greatly. Thanks for reducing my platonic love to a sexual rejection! Joss Whedon says it best here:

Preach.

When Sam shares his concerns with Heather that they are just "stupidly good mates," she tells him she feels as though they have a greater connection than just mates, and that she does want to be his friend but if it were to end there she'd be disappointed. Phew. All sorted then.

Sam then offers Heather a rose, which leads to one of the best kisses I think I've ever seen on the Bachelor. To quote my husband: "Holy shit! That was like a movie kiss! Yeah, that's a good kiss. Keep her around."

Onto the group date! The girls meet Sam and Osher at Turimetta Beach, which seems to displease Joni, although she admits that "Sam thinks I'm not fun, so I need to bring the fun!" And what's more fun than a day at the beach with that guy you like...and 6 other women. Am I right?

Sam takes Laura away for a one-on-one chat, saying that their awkward first meeting seemed to put them behind and it feels as though they've never been able to catch up. They're having a nice enough chat about Laura's work, and then...SHE SAYS IT AGAIN. WHY WHY WHY DOES THIS WOMAN CONTINUE TO TALK ABOUT ANAL GLANDS. Sam is as diplomatic as can be, but I sense he's over it as well, saying "I understand that she's a vet, and she was discussing the treatment of dogs...but it's like we can't move past it."

PLEASE STOP SAYING IT.

After Sam makes the women compete for his love (well, they have a little relay in the surf) it's revealed that Joni once had a traumatic near-drowning at the beach and she needs to take a moment to compose herself. Shitstorm obviously thinks this is a great time to pick on her for being a wimp. Nice one, Sandy. It all works out for Joni though, as Sam takes her away for some alone time by the fire. I personally think that Joni comes across lovely - check out her Instagram, she's pretty hilarious as well - although Sam seems to think that she's too intense. Although, I'm not too surprised he thinks that: Joni's trained in neuro linguistic programming, and knowing a few NLP practitioners myself, I can say that that intensity seems to be a pre-requisite.

Cocktail hour! And the drama, oh, the drama. After enjoying a one on one chat with Snezana, Sam gives her a parting kiss...right in front of Ebru, Nina and Jasmin. 

Obviously, Snez hasn't made it public knowledge that her & Sammy Boy had shared many a kiss on their balloon date, because people LOSE THEIR SHIT. Particularly Jasmin, who runs into the next room like a little schoolgirl: "OH EM GEE GUYS THEY KISSED OOOOOHHH!!!" After announcing that "the first kiss may or may not have just happened!" she jitters around for a while, saying "I don't want to say, it's like SOOO not my place!" before, of course, telling them everything. Awesome Jacinda likens it to lobbing a grenade...

Funnily enough, Shitstorm Sandra is a bit of a voice of reason here, saying "it's really not a big deal. If Jasmin says it was a peck, then it's a peck."

Rose ceremony time! Osher announces that - sadface time - two ladies will be leaving the manse tonight. In an ending that is surprising only if you hadn't watched the hour preceeding it, Joni and Laura are the "unlucky" ones heading home. Something tells me these two will be absolutely fine, as Joni says "he's still figuring out what he wants and evidently it's not me, now I can go on and find the person I'm meant to be with" and Laura adds "I don't think there's anything wrong with me, if I'm not right for Sam then I'll be right for someone else." Stay golden ladies.

Game's not over, it's just the beginning, babes

NEXT TIME: Nina finally gets her date, and what a date: attempting to break the world record for longest televised kiss, whilst atop the Harbour Bridge. Not too shabby. Also, Zorb Soccer? Hilarity is sure to ensue.

The Bachelor Australia airs Wednesday & Thursday nights on Channel Ten from 7:30pm. Missed an episode? Catch up here:
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3

mamamedia recaps :: Episode 3 of The Bachelor Australia

It's a new dawn, it's a new date...

"I'm looking for a woman that I can share everything with, have a family with and make as happy as she makes me. Someone that I'm head over heels in love with and there's no uncertainty. I'm not here to settle, I'm here to be doing backflips for the rest of my life." Oh Sam, you're saying all the right things. CALL ME NAIVE, CALL ME GULLIBLE, CALL ME STUPID I DON'T CARE, I JUST LOVE LOVE, ALRIGHT?

At Bach Manor, this totally not staged, completely natural little powwow is happening. Because that's what you do when you're sharing a mansion with 13 other women. You all cram into one little lounge together. COMPLETELY NATURAL.

Aren't we all just SO comfortable?

Osher then strolls in to deliver today's date card. Except - SHOCK TWIST - there is no date card today! Osher explains that Sam like a "decisive woman," so - in another BACHELOR WORLD FIRST - they need to decide amongst themselves which lady gets to go on the date.

Midway through the great date debate, Sarah had this to say: "Single dates are just really important to try and get your message across of who you want to be." Now maybe it's just me, but I found this to be quite telling...Your "message" of "who you want to be" ??? How about this instead: "Single dates are really important for you to try and get to know the guy, and for him to get to know you." BECAUSE THAT'S ALL IT NEEDS TO BE. This isn't a pitch. You're not selling a brand. YOU'RE ON A DATE. /endrant.

Anyway, luckily for us someone in that house is real: "I think that it's great that we get to vote! Here we are, sitting down waiting for Sam, "Aww, when's Sam gonna choose me?" but today we actually get to choose what's happening! It's like, the control is back in our hands!" Awesome Jacinda continues to be awesome.

#WhatWouldJacindaDo

So the big vote happens just like an election for school captaincy: you really don't want anyone to beat you, so you just vote for the person least likely. Obviously, a lot of the women had the same thought, as the result comes back tied between Shitstorm Sandra and Madeleine. No, no strategy at play AT ALL. When the girls cast their tiebreak votes, Mads comes out on top. She seems excited, despite earlier saying that she would prefer to be picked by Sam, rather than sent on a date by the girls. Take what you can get Madeleine, because, to quote Awesome Jacinda: "it's a war out there."

Madeleine meets Sammy Boy for a romantic "Notebook-esque" rowboat ride, followed by a picnic. Unfortunately, the weather isn't on their side, and this is where it all starts to fall apart for young Maddie...

"...Awesome."

Whilst poor Mads is out getting drenched, another gold envelope arrives at Bach Manor (and Bec just HAPPENS to find it when she randomly ventures upstairs WHAT AN AMAZING COINCIDENCE) inviting Snezana on a single date. I love that Jacinda's response is "Your daughter's going to be so excited!" Yay, Mummy's going on a date! With a guy who is also dating 13 other women! On TV! It's truly every little girls dream.

Back to the date: Maddie is obviously very keen to impress Sam, saying "because it was my first date with Sam, I didn't want to wet my hair or wet my makeup. You want to look good on a first date because you're trying to impress the person you're with..." Unfortunately, I guess she didn't factor in that a man eight years her senior might tire of comments like these...
"I shouldn't have bothered doing my hair today."
"Damn, I should have worn waterproof mascara."
"How's my mascara?"
"Yay, red wine! It'll stain my teeth."
"I don't want to eat in front of you. It's embarassing!"
...YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL SPECIMEN MADELEINE. Just drink the damn wine and be cool.

Back from her date, Madeleine fills the girls in and we're treated to this wonderful piece of exposition from Nina: "She was really happy, but you could also see that slight bit of disappointment because you could see that her hands were empty and she hadn't received a rose on her one on one date with Sam." OHHH, so THAT'S what was going on? Thanks Neens, couldn't have worked that out without you.

The next morning, Snezana heads out for her one on one with Sam before the sun is up. I'm assuming this date is taking place in Camden, famous for its balloon rides, vineyards and trashy pubs. Snez & Sam enjoy two out of three of the above on their date, spending the morning soaring over the pastures below, then enjoying a leisurely stroll through the vines. I have to say, Snezana looks SMOKING. This might be my favourite date outfit of all time. Particularly when she trades her heels for Hunters.

As they stroll through the vineyard, Snezana asks Sam how he feels about dating a single mother and he assures her that he loves kids so it's by no means a dealbreaker, it's just that he has to consider her more carefully than the other women to be fair to her and her daughter. This guy is SMOOTH. And speaking of smooth...

Sam's got the moves.

COCKTAIL HOUR! And since there was no group date this episode, the girls are being treated to a Roaring Twenties themed cocktail party, complete with flapper gowns, finger curls and feather headpieces. And gossiping, of course, because that never goes out of style...

Here, the ladies are FLUMMOXED when Sam steals Heather away for a chat, since "it's been three weeks in a row! WHAT IS GOING ON?!" With each episode, I become more and more interested to know what Heather is like behind the scenes. On screen, she comes across as a lovely, down to earth girl, who is just a bit less "girly" than the rest. I have several friends who carry themselves in the exact same manner, and they have attracted a wide variety of partners, from tradies to executives. So I don't understand the bewilderment from the other women, unless Heather happens to act completely different off camera. Which is always a possibility I suppose, especially when you take into account her acting background. Hmm. The plot thickens...

Meanwhile, blissfully unaware that their every move is currently being dissected by the thronging masses, Sam admits that giving Heather the white rose may have "blown up in my face" because he now feels unable to ask her out on a date until she asks him, likening it to giving a girl your number and then having to wait for her to call. He practically begs her to use the rose and then tells her "you're going to have to watch me take out girl after girl until you get your act together." I believe the gauntlet has been thrown down, dear Heather.  

"GET THE HINT HEATHER AND TAKE ME ON A FREAKING DATE."

And speaking of desperate...oh, Shitstorm...cutting in on another girl rarely ends well, you should know that by now...No matter how many times you tell yourself that it's "working in your favour."

"...This is uncomfortable."

 

Rose ceremony time! Unsurprisingly, Heather receives a rose and unsurprisingly, Emily can't hide her displeasure...

 

In the end, Mascara Madeleine and Anal Glands Laura are left vying for the final rose. In an ending that was pretty much expected as soon as she came back from her date rose-less, Madeleine is the unlucky lady leaving us tonight.

"I'd cry, but...y'know...my mascara..."

NEXT TIME: Heather finally uses her super power, and someone gets their pash on with Sammy Boy at the cocktail party. SCANDALE.

The Bachelor Australia airs Wednesday & Thursday nights on Channel Ten from 7:30pm. Missed an episode? Catch up here:
Episode 1
Episode 2

mamamedia recaps :: Episode 2 of The Bachelor Australia

It's a new day at Bach Manor, with new drama. Who gets the solo date? Why does Emily hate Heather? Who will Sandra infuriate this episode? LET'S WATCH.

We open to the ladies just casually chilling in the Bach kitchen, and by casually, I mean that they have been wrangled by producers because Osher will be stopping by. "Oh, Osher, what a surprise to see you in our kitchen, when all 17 of us just happened to be hanging out here together! In this giant mansion. We all decided to hang here. In the kitchen. Together. Even though several of us can't stand the sight of each other." Yep.

Osher does indeed arrive, envelope in hand, and the girls are buzzing with anticipation to find out who has scored the first solo date with Sammy Boy. JACINDA CAN'T EVEN DEAL.

AND THE FIRST DATE GOES TO...Sarah! And here's what instantly stood out to me: They're both blonde. They both work in events. They both scored a rose during the first cocktail party. And they both scored a solo date cruising the harbour on a yacht. I'm calling it: Sarah is this season's Louise. Let's just hope she doesn't steal Sam away from the winner as well...OH NO SHE DIDN'T. ...I would like to add that I think that's bullshit: men are not property, they cannot be stolen. If your man leaves you for someone else, that's on him, not her.

Anyway, back to Bach. Sam & Sarah are motoring around the harbour and heads, having a ball. It gets a bit precarious when the yacht turns up on its keel, but Sarah has a good hold of...something...

Back at the manse, the girls are, once again, sitting around together having "a casual gossip" when the next date envelope arrives. HOW CONVENIENT! It's a group date and it's a big one, with Poor Reshael, Madeleine, Lovely Heather, Snezana, Bec, Krystal, Timberland Tessa, Jasmin, Emily, Awesome Jacinda and Shitstorm Sandra all scoring an invite. It's not all smiles though, with some of the girls questioning why Heather is included. Emily says "Heather has already got the white rose and she's going to have a date whenever she chooses, so I don't understand why she's going to go on this group date?" Maybe because Sam likes her, eh Emily? A SHOCKING concept for you, I'm sure.

"DID SHE REALLY JUST SAY HEATHER?!" *shoots lasers from eyes*

Sarah returns home to an interrogation with a rose, but no kiss. Some of the girls seem threatened that she has now received roses before both rose ceremonies, but...almost all single dates end with a rose, right? Especially this early on. Anyway...as you were.

GROUP DATE! The ladies will be starring in a sexy photo shoot with Sam, recreating famous movie scenes. Because that's what everyone does on dates, right? I remember my first date with B, when we recreated that famous Top Gun scene with Maverick and Goose...no, not the volleyball one, the bit where Goose dies. Yeah. Shit got dark.

First, Snezana & Madeleine play Bond Girls, with Maddie struggling to understand the concept of "draping" oneself over a bonnet. Next up are Bec, Krystal and Lovely Heather, who are the Daisy Buchanan's to Sam's Gatsby. Sam and Heather once again have great chemistry, to the displeasure of Bec & Krystal, and also Jasmin & Emily, who are spying from the balcony above. I don't know what Heather might be doing off-camera, but I can't see why there is so much negativity being sent her way. Other than good old-fashioned jealousy, of course.

#TeamHeather

Emily is the lucky recipient of the solo shoot, recreating the pottery scene from Ghost. I can practically hear the Righteous Brothers now...it also gives us this awesome line from Emily: "I'm very old-fashioned in relationships and how they should start..." Ahh, so that's why you're finding love on a television show up against 18 other women? Yep. Gotcha. TOTES old school Em.

My favourite shoot of the date though has to be the Dirty Dancing set up, purely because of Awesome Jacinda. I mean, just look at the photographic GOLD she is serving...

#TeamJacinda

COCKTAIL HOUR! Tonight's rose ceremony seems to be rattling everyone, with Awesome Jacinda breaking down a little bit, telling Heather "I feel like if you're more laidback, he notices you. I feel like I'm a little bit more full on. I'm too much for everyone. I'm so full on, let's just say it. I wouldn't date me." I WOULD JACINDA. Why? Because you're awesome. And we could eat popcorn and silently judge bitches together. 

My new imaginary BFF. #WhatWouldJacindaDo

Speaking of judging bitches, here's Emily! "I'm confused by the whole, Heather/Sam scenario." As she spies on Heather & Sam's interaction, Emily questions their connection, even being as lovely as to suggest that he's only spending so much time with her to see if she was actually deserving of that white rose. She then decides that if Sam is attracted to Heather, then he couldn't possibly be into her as well: "If he's interested in Heather, then I am not his type. At all. I'm just not like her. You can't be interested in Heather and then be interested in me!" and "I love getting dressed up, having a beautiful dinner, going to a day spa, but Heather's a bit of a hippie, a bit alternative..." IN EMILY'S DEFENCE (see, don't ever say I'm not a nice person): Her narration seems awfully choppy, it's clearly been edited together. I have to wonder what she was actually saying.

Jacinda hides inside to have a little cry, and Sam "just happens" to be walking past (read: producers pushed him inside and said GO WALK INTO THAT ROOM AND COMFORT THE CRYING ONE.) Whether it was coincidental or not, it's a very sweet scene, with Sam saying "You can't tiptoe around here like you're on eggshells! That's not how Jacinda lives! She smashes eggs everywhere and laughs about it!" Aww. I like this guy.

Rose ceremony time! Since Sarah received a rose on her date, there are 16 ladies vying for 13 roses. Speaking of Sarah, Joni hilariously remarks "I don't know whether Sarah has some kind of alliance with the florist, but she's definitely getting a lot of rose attention. I don't know whether it's sustainable." The Resting Bitch Face that accompanies that little snippet of narration is just priceless...

Unsurprisingly to most, Heather receives a rose...although, it does seem to stun Emily a tad...

In the end, four are left standing: Timberland Tessa, Poor Reshael, Krystal and Madeleine. And the final rose goes to...Madeleine. Womp womp. Sorry ladies. In what definitely appears to be a parting shot at Shitstorm Sandra, Reshael says "it's hard to be yourself when there are big personalities taking over. There's some girls that he just needs to spend a bit more time with and figure out whether their personalities are actually real or whether they're just putting on." Ten points to Reshael!

So long, farewell...

NEXT TIME: Someone soars on a magical date in the clouds and Sam throws a spanner in the works when he asks the girls to vote on who gets the next date. DRAMA ENSUES.

The Bachelor Australia airs Wednesday and Thursday nights on Channel Ten from 7:30pm. Missed an episode? Catch up here:
Episode 1

mamamedia recaps :: The Bachelor Australia Season Three Premiere

After last year's dramatic season - "Will you marry me? Wait, oops, I'm TOTES in love with the other one" - The Bachelor is back! Will our new Romeo find true love amongst this year's crop of lovely ladies? Only time, Osher G, and a crew of producers will tell!

Our dashing hero this year is Sam Wood from Melbourne, who founded a company that runs sports & fitness programs for primary schools (read: AWW HE LOVES KIDS YOU GUYSSSSS). Originally from Tasmania, Sam is looking for that special person to settle down with and start a family of his own. A wish that is evidenced by this slo-mo shot of him showering at the beach...I guess...

"Can't you just picture my big, ropey arms, cradling our newborn child?"

Let the cocktail party begin! We meet our first Bachelorette, Snezana (rhymes with "parmigiana"). She's in & out pretty quickly, leaving Sam wanting more. Unfortunately for her though, she's the one left NEEDING more: specifically, his name, after she forgot to ask for it. She's going to be THAT girl at the party, greeting him with an awkward "Heyyyy...you!"

However, that's nothing compared to poor Yorkie vet Laura who, when asked for her funniest animal story, decides to regale poor Sam with a tale that uses the phrase "anal glands" about 17 billion times. As you can see, he was LOVING it...

We then meet the ladies who are easily my favourites already: Heather and Jacinda. This was the limo I'd want to have arrived in. You know these two would've had a ball on the way...

"Just don't pee yourself, coz I ain't cleaning it up." - Jacinda

Heather tells Sammy Boy that he's pretty, then explains that she's looking for someone she can be a friend with first, which some people might think is lame, but I find lovely. You SHOULD want to be able to grab a beer & have a laugh with your partner! #TeamHeather

Meanwhile, Jacinda is back in the limo giving herself the best pep talk ever: "Keep yourself together. Say hello, smile, and then...lightly vomit in your mouth." Once she bucks up, she greets Sam with a Polaroid camera, takes a selfie with him, and then sneaks a shot of his butt as she departs. Nice one! #TeamJacinda

NAILED IT.

Alas, not every girl can be this delightful. Which brings us to Sandra, a P.E teacher from Melbourne who has either burned through a case of Red Bull, necked a bottle of champagne in the limo, or is just plain putting it on for the cameras, because I can't imagine her behaviour purely being down to nerves. All of these girls are nervous; no one else is making such a gigantic ass of themselves. This might sound bitchy, but I feel validated in my opinion knowing the girls feel the same: As Snezana explains to camera, "Sandra...flamboyant? No...annoying."

After the final girl arrives, Osher enters and explains how once again, the White Rose (DUN DUN DUNNNN) is in play. Last year, it gave its recipient instant passage through the first 2 rose ceremonies; this year, in a BACHELOR WORLD FIRST, the lucky lady will have the power to ask Sam on a date of their own, whenever they so choose. Wait, you mean, the GIRL is given power in this situation? That is UNBELIEVABLE.

As Sammy Boy works his way through the ladies swanning around Bach Manor, a storm is brewing. Let's call it, Shitstorm Sandra.

 

Chatting with Reshael, Bec and lady-in-blue-whose-name-I-don't-yet-know-give-me-a-break-it's-only-episode-one, Sandra relays the incident earlier in the night where blonde bombshell Zilda "turned her back" on Sandra (why on Earth would anyone do that I wonder...) Seeing this as a golden opportunity to start a bitchfest, Sandra turns to Reshael and asks her who she hasn't gotten along with. Reshael answers "no one", because she's a decent human being. Sandra appears to take this as an affront to our gender, saying that "if you don't gossip, you're clearly not a woman. RIGHT?" To this I say: Sandy, sure, I'll gossip with my girlfriends, but when I'm amongst a group of virtual strangers? Nope. Keep your opinions to yourself. Bec seems keen to stay right out of this one...

"Imma just drink my champers over here, you guys do you." 

Meanwhile, Lovely Heather is sharing her courting philosophy with Tessa: "I'm not gonna look for Bachie, Bachie's gonna come to me." And lo and behold, he does. They have an adorable conversation about awkward teen stages and superhero loves, and there seems to be real chemistry between them. Afterwards, Heather says "I've already said to a few of the other girls tonight that I do feel that friendship thing there, and they're taking that as 'she's been friend-zoned'...Thats not the point. Sometimes being in that zone is more dangerous than being in the lover zone. SO much more dangerous, because it's real." See what I was saying earlier? This chick gets it.

Shitstorm Sandra then sees the opportunity to win a few people over to "her side" and starts spinning the tale of Evil Reshael to anyone who will listen. (read: is unfortunate enough to have made eye contact with Sandy) In this brand new version, Reshael "bit her head off" and called Sandra a "trouble maker, back stabber, gossip queen." We all know this isn't how it went down, but even if that was what Reshael had said, it would have been an accurate statement, quite frankly.

After a bit of encouragement from some of the other girls, The Shitstorm decides to "clear the air" in front of everyone. Because, when you have an issue with someone, the best thing to do is to confront them in front of a group of people, completely twist the story and then refuse to let them counter your claims. Yep. Nailed it Sandy. Awesome Jacinda kicks back with her imaginary popcorn and I decide that I want her to narrate the rest of the season...

Sam chats with Snezana and she reveals to him that she has a 9 year old daughter at home. Sam handles this news adorably, and this is the point where I decide that I approve of this year's casting. Blake always came across as a bit inauthentic to me last year, and we all know how that turned out, but Sam here seems to be a genuinely lovely guy.

AND THE FIRST ROSE IS OUT! After a chat and impromptu yoga lesson, Sam gifts his first rose of the evening to events manager Sarah. Shit just got real, ladies.

"Just casually doing a downward dog in a ballgown. Whatevs. BTDubs: Notice how flexible I am? You're welcome."

After the appearance of the first rose, Tessa decides that drastic action needs to be taken. Namely: an outfit change. Uncomfortable in her gown, Tess decides to show Sam who she really is in jeans, a flannie and Timberlands. And it works - she glows. It just goes to show that being comfortable is the key to being confident.

THE WHITE ROSE HAS APPEARED! Sam slowly strolls amongst the ladies, each one perking up with hope, and then pouting with disappointment as he passes them by. He finally stops and asks for a moment with...damnit, adbreak...Heather! Yay! They then have a very sweet moment that it totally private and not at all being watched by everyone at the party...

"Just me and you...and all of these other chicks...and a camera crew...and producers in my ear..."

Rose ceremony time! Shitstorm seems to think she's going in with a massive advantage, seeing as she has "sooo much in common" with Sam. Other than the fact that they both work with children and their names start with the same letter, I have no idea what else she could be alluding to. "We're both homo sapiens! It's meant to be."

Osher then interrupts the rose ceremony to give us a "sneak peek" of the first season of The Bachelorette, and can I just say: A 60 second promo of Sam Frost walking out of The Langham in slo-mo, DOES NOT A SNEAK PEEK MAKE. It's an ad. You tricked us into watching an ad. Yes, Sam is the Bachelorette. WE ALREADY KNEW THAT.

OSHER LIES.

Ahem. Anyway. Back to the rose ceremony! After Sam makes it a typically drawn out affair, three women remain: Shitstorm, Zilda and Quiet Mouse...whose actual name is, I think, Amanda, but I can't be bothered checking. And the final rose goes to...DAMNIT. Sandra. Here's hoping that she's just a producers pick, and that Sam gives her the boot early on. I don't know if I can handle a whole season's worth of her "energy."

Farewell ladies, we hardly knew ye. Actually, we didn't know ye at all.

NEXT TIME: A sexy solo date on the high seas and the claws come out for Heather. BITCHES BE JEALOUS.

Awesome Jacinda and I will see you next time for popcorn and JUDGEMENT.

Lessons Learnt from Episode 2 of Go Back To Where You Came From

Hope you've got your notebooks handy!

:: "I think these boats are a good idea!" A rational reaction after seeing your own sister so distressed that she threatens to jump overboard after spending a relatively short amount of time on a lifeboat. #JodiLogic

:: "This is bullshit! This is crap. I can't believe we do this. This is wrong." At the beginning of the premiere, I picked that Andrew would be the one most likely to change his views on the issue, and so far, he's proving me right.

"We are being cruel for no reason" - Andrew

:: "I had a pretty good day today. Saw my first sunrise in probably ten years - and it was beautiful!" You could say that Jodi here is just putting a positive spin on things...you could also say she's being a callous dick. Your call though!

:: Speaking of lovely Jodi, you know how they say a picture is worth a thousand words? Well, take a look at this shot and tell me that it doesn't perfectly demonstrate the respect that each sister has for the country in which they've found themselves...

:: "That's his own fault, I guess. Is that [your children being kidnapped] a reason to jump the queue?" Jodi's response to a Rohingya refugee who failed to reach Australia with his family and is now being threatened by a trafficker. Much like a teenage girl, I JUST CAN'T EVEN. #JodiLogic

*** At this point in the episode, I had to take a break to have a little cry; between Jodi's heartlessness and the desperation of the Iraqi family speaking to Kim, Nicole & Andrew...I can only take so much misery. This world can be a very dark place.

OK, I've rallied, let's get back into it: We pick up with our reunited group of 6, discussing the idea of "the queue" in Indonesia.

:: "What about people who are worse off?" Jodi comes back to this idea constantly. I have to wonder, who in her mind is the "worst off"? I sense the reason she keeps circling back to this justification is this is her way of avoiding any obligation to feel compassion, by reminding herself that "there will be someone, somewhere, worse off than this guy. Ergo, I don't need to feel bad for him." #JodiLogic

:: "Well, they're going to have to wait it out until the system is fixed." - Kim's solution to the broken re-settlement process. #KimLogic. I don't know if anything else needs to be said, other than to add this photo of Renee, Andrew & Nicole's reaction to that statement...I'm pretty sure they're all counting to ten and reciting the Serenity Prayer in their heads right now...

*** Once Nicole, Andrew & Kim landed in the Syrian refugee camp, I needed to take another break to cry. So many children. Like Andrew, I feel the helplessness, and I just wish there was something we could do.

:: "I'm learning that I'm human." Well done to Andrew for being big enough to admit that he was misinformed, and for finding the compassion for refugees that so many Australians seem to lack. If only everyone had his humility.

:: "I can't imagine being in this situation, but if I was, I would try to escape. Even if it meant getting on a boat." And THERE it is. The penny is finally dropping for Jodi. I was worried it would never happen!

:: "We need to dump the UN." - Just in case you thought everyone was having a change of heart, Kim's here to educate us all as to what exactly Australia needs to do in order to shirk our responsibilities, vis-à-vis that pesky Refugee Convention thingamajig. Being a signatory is totes annoying, amirite? #KimLogic

Tonight, our intrepid six end their journey in the belly of the beast - will they survive Syria? WHO CAN SAY. 

The final episode of Go Back To Where You Came From airs tonight on SBS at 8:30pm. Catch up on Episode 1 here.