The Bachelor Effect

SUBTITLED: Why You Shouldn't Want To Be With Anyone Who Thinks Like This Because You Deserve Way Better, Babe.

According to a survey by dating app Zoosk, a third of respondents have admitted to starting arguments with their spouses after watching the Bachelor slash Bachelorette on TV. Why? Because they aren't as romantic as ol' Sammy Boy and Frosty Fruit here...

Sam Wood & Snezana

Sam Frost & Sasha

 

OK babes, let's just cut to the chase: if your partner picks a fight - or even better, dumps you - because they think you aren't as romantic as someone on a TV show who has literally AN ENTIRE TEAM OF PEOPLE whose sole job it is to plan & produce amazing dates for them? Then they have a seriously warped idea of romance and you're probably better off. Good riddance to batshit insane rubbish. 

This article is obviously ridiculous, but the underlying issue isn't as laughable: the idea that romance is directly linked to how much money is spent. Particularly when people are comparing their relationships to The Bachelor/ette franchises. The "romance" we're seeing on screen is really nothing more than cold-hard cash changing hands between corporations: We provide you with a service/location for your date, you broadcast it to 1m+ viewers at home, name us as a production partner on your website and thank us in the credits. Everyone wins! Oh, except for the poor guys & girls at home being blasted because they're not romantic enough to have planned a helicopter flight to the Victorian ski fields, or a picnic on the pitch at the Sydney Cricket Ground. THANKS A LOT, SAM.

Sam Frost herself seemed to be mindful of this so-called "Bachelor Effect," raising her concerns with Sasha on one of their last single dates: "My biggest fear is that, when all of this is over, it is just me, and I don't have nice things ... I just don't want to be in that situation where you're with someone and they're disappointed with who you are at the end. When it is just you." Ten points to Sash, who replied: "All that material stuff for me doesn't matter. At the end of the day, if you don't have anyone there in your life to share it with, then it means nothing. If you've got each other, you don't need any of that stuff." Sam is a lucky lady.

Well, obviously.



And I must say - y'know, just in case he reads this - I'm pretty lucky myself. B has never been one for buying presents for the sake of spending money, preferring gestures that actually have meaning or significance. If I'm having a rough week, he'll surprise me with a bottle of wine or box of cannoli from our favourite pasticceria, which is guaranteed to put a smile on my face. A couple of years ago, I spent Valentine's Day in bed with a raging migraine, and he arrived home from work with a box of my favourite ricotta pastizzi. It was the best Valentine's gift I'd ever received. And since we've had Liv, one of the sweetest things he does for me is to take the baby downstairs and give me a sleep in. Oh God, how I love him when he lets me sleep in.


How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

I once had a boyfriend who was all about making the "grand gesture" - delivering bouquets of flowers to my work, or leaving jewellery on the bed. Sounds great to some, I'm sure, but it actually made me a bit sad, because more often than not the gesture had nothing to do with who I was as a person, it was all about how much he had spent. I can actually recall him giving me a necklace, then telling me he bought it because it was the first thing he saw in the store. I believe the phrase "That'll do" may have even been used. SO ROMANTIC, amirite?

Honestly, the most thoughtful gift I would receive from him was when he would come home with peanut butter M&Ms, because he knew that they're my favourite and that it's hard for me to find them here in Australia. A simple gesture that cost him a couple of bucks ended up being more touching than the shoebox full of jewellery I had at the end of the relationship. Funny that.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is: Don't let yourself be fooled by TV romance. Love shouldn't be measured by dollars spent. Show the one you love how much you care by showing that you know them, that you have considered them, no matter how small the gesture might seem. Because sometimes the smallest is the sweetest.

You deserve more than a manufactured date for television. If someone tells you otherwise, then fuck that noise. You're worth more than that.

And remember: roses die, jewellery tarnishes, but ricotta-filled pastries are forever. 

A (maybe) Final Word on The Bachelor 2015...

Hello lovelies.

As we all know by now, Bachelor Sam has chosen Snezana Markoski to be his one and only. By all accounts they are madly in love with each other, and I wish them nothing but the best for their future together.



I've been tossing up whether or not to continue catching up with the last couple of episode recaps; a combination of internet shenanigans (in short: Telstra, your wifi SUCKS RIGHT NOW) and illness at Mamamedia Manor meant I fell way behind in posting.

On top of that, as we know, the lovely Heather was eliminated and, well, it just wasn't fun anymore. I lost all investment in the outcome once HBomb was no longer in the running. Of course, I saw it through to the end, but my heart just wasn't in it the same. And trying to re-watch those old episodes, it's incredibly hard to fake excitement for the Sam-Heather partnership when I know that it ends in heartbreak.

Of course, we also have The Bachelorette starring the lovely Sam Frost premiering this week, so I have a new love story to recap, new characters to fall in love with, and new theoretical romances to get ridiculously invested in (DAMN YOU SAM HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO HEATHER ETC.)   

The Bachelorette Australia airs Wednesday and Thursday nights from 7:30pm on Channel Ten.

mamamedia recaps :: Episode 10 of The Bachelor Australia

The newbies ruffle feathers and Heather goes on the sweetest date of all. HEATHER FOR THE WIN!

It's the morning after the night before, and the girls are trying to get to know New Girls Lana & Rachel. Their questions are harmless enough, but Rachel takes umbrage with the interrogation, retorting with "I mean, I've just met you, I need to get more comfortable and then I'll start telling you stuff." Fair enough, I s'pose.

Osher then enters with not one, but TWO golden envelopes. You can sense a bit of tension amongst the original girls when it becomes apparent that the new girls may be about to receive a single date each. The first envelope contains a single date invitation, hinting that "this could be the sweetest day of all." But sorry newbs, the lucky lady heading off for a sweet time is the lovely Heather. YESSS.

The assumption is that the second envelope contains a group invite, but instead, it reads thusly: "Everyone, Meet me in the garden now - Osher." Well, this is new. As the girls enter the garden, they find Sam waiting with Osh, who tells them that, rather than Sam organising the date like usual (...sure he does) this week's group date has been planned by Osher (...sure it is) and is designed to see if their attraction "goes beyond the visual." Intriguing...

The group - consisting of Sam, Ebru, Rachel, Nina, Snezana and Lana - arrives at the Pullman Quay Grand Hotel where they are instructed to don blindfolds. Well, this is taking a kinky turn. Oh, nope, they're just walking into a dark room. Yawn. Wake me when someone breaks out the ropes.

The aforementioned dark room contains a table laid out with a Chinese banquet for the group to enjoy...in the pitch darkness. Fun! Attempting to navigate a table loaded with platters of food and glasses of wine goes about as well as you can imagine...

That's a lap full of Chardonnay right there...

I have to say, my favourite part of the date was the mini-date that Nina & Snez appeared to be on. If I ever have to clumsily eat a meal in a darkened room, I want these two at my table.

Meanwhile, Sam & Lana are feeding each other. This is supposed to be cute, I guess, but I'm sitting here like, "get your own damn noodles!"

Nina weighs in on this new possible pair: "Lana was certainly extremely confident with Sam on this date...I think if it starts getting to the point where she's stepping on other people's toes it may cause a bit of an issue." ...Umm. How, exactly? I know you were there first Neens, but at the end of the day you have no greater claim over Sam than anyone else. The man is not property and you have not planted your flag on him.

Oh look, we have someone willing to step up as Eyeroll Queen in the wake of Emily's departure! Someone is not loving that their lunch is being served with a side of Shriek, courtesy of Ebru, Nina & Snez. "I don't really think that it's a turn-on for girls to be loud and obnoxious at the dinner table." Oooh. Good thing you're not having to date these girls then, hey Rach!

SAMTHER TIME! Oh, how I wish these two had names that fit together better...oh well. Can I just jump in by drawing your attention to how stunning this woman is?

Today's single date begins with the lovely Heather awaiting her prince on the side of a road. I wonder what she will be picked up in?

ICE CREAM TRUCK. YES.

But it's not just a joyride in a Mr Whippy van for dear Heather, oh no. They enter Miramare Gardens (sidenote: my friend had her wedding here, it's pretty gorgeous. There's a tip for you, any Sydneyside wedding-planning readers!) and Sam introduces Heather to her very own "Alice in Wonderland moment." I see what you're getting at Sammy Boy, but my mind goes to Wonka's garden before Wonderland. Also, OH MY GOD I CAN FEEL MY BLOOD SUGAR RISING JUST LOOKING AT THIS TABLE.

Seriously, just LOOK AT IT! Needless to say, Heather is impressed: "There's like twelve different kinds of dirt! TWELVE DIFFERENT KINDS OF DIRT IS MY FAVOURITE!"

And then there's this bit of cuteness: "Sam's the kind of guy that makes me feel like I deserve more...I promised myself that if I was going to do this, that I would be completely open and completely honest every step of the way and I can honestly say right now that from the word go, the day that I met Sam, I knew he was someone that I would be able to fall in love with."

"...I just said that. Just need a minute!"

After gorging themselves, Sam & Heather retreat to the lounge for a wine and Heather admits that he's the first guy she feels like she doesn't need to censor herself for. This seems to shock Sam a bit, but I get it - B's the only person who I've ever felt comfortable with seeing all my crazy. Heather then admits that Sam's the first man to make her feel like she's worth a lot of effort...and this makes me a bit sad. You're totally worth it dude! Sam seems to agree, as he gives her a rose. YAY!

Cocktail hour! And New Girl Rachel is still making waves amongst the group, after refusing to make any particular effort to make friends. She then makes this proclamation: "If you overstep your mark, I'll pull you up on it. Until that happens, I'll let you get away with it, but later on when you might need me, I might not be there." Unsure as to what she might be alluding to here, since this isn't a game of strategy where you can be of any benefit to a competitor, but anyway. You do you, Rach.

Heather then bounds into the room, ostensibly returning from her single date, saying "I can't tell if I was excited because I'd seen Sam, excited about seeing the girls again, or if I was on a massive sugar high...One of the three, but I was pumped about life."

Whether it was to get away from the new girls, or at the prompting of a producer, Ebru then tells Heather that she'd "love to get you in the other room to hear more details!" When the original girls all rise to leave, Heather extends the invite to Lana & Rachel, but they choose to take a walk on their own. Ooooh. Well, put yourself in their shoes, I'd probably do the same.

Rose ceremony time! And first to receive a rose is Lana, which just gives Nina another opportunity to complain about how unfair this is to the original girls. In the end, it comes down to Old VS New, as Ebru and Rachel are the last two standing. Sadly for the Turkish Delight, Rachel receives the final rose.
 

NEXT TIME: It's time for the Mum Test, as the girls help out on a kiddie training session. Plus, the MOST CONTROVERSIAL ROSE CEREMONY YET. Umm, I'm sorry, but nothing will top the Great Emily Walk Out of 2015.

The Bachelor Australia airs Wednesday & Thursday nights from 7:30pm on Channel Ten. Missed an episode? Catch up here:
Episode 1 - We meet all of the Bachelorettes at the first cocktail party; drama ensues
Episode 2 - Sarah's single date & photoshoot group date; drama ensues
Episode 3 - Maddie & Snezana's single dates
Episode 4 - Heather plays the White Rose, the girls hit the beach, & a cocktail party pash; drama ensues
Episode 5 - A world record breaking kiss, bubble soccer & Sandra at her Shitstorm best
Episode 6 - The Groundhog Date ROYALLY blows up in Sam's pretty little face. AND RIGHTLY SO.
Episode 7 - Emily's single date, and a sneaky pash on the group date
Episode 8 - Go-kart group date, Snez gets a 2nd single date, and EMILY V NINA heats up
Episode 9 - HURRICANE EMILY HITS BACH MANOR. OH YES DRAMA ENSUES

mamamedia recaps :: Episode 8 of The Bachelor Australia

Emily trains her bitchface on a new target, and the news of the group date pash is out. LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS, NINA.

"This has been a fascinating ride so far. I'm halfway through what truly is a wonderful adventure. I guess the trick now is to try and have the foresight, in the short dates that I have, to see which girls are not just great in bursts, but a woman I can spend the rest of my life with." And you know he's serious, just look how pensive he is on this random farm! Seriously, they're in Hunters Hill, where would this farm be?!

It's a new morning at Bach Manor and the girls are chilling in the kitchen, hopeful for a date. I can only imagine how mindnumbing it becomes in that house. No wonder some of these girls (allegedly) spend all of their time in the gym. Conveniently, as always, Osher then enters with the golden envelope, inviting Rachel, Heather, Bec, Emily, and Nina on a group date where "the race is on." After Nina's name is read out, Emily comments "the more I've gotten to know Nina, she's very fake. So on the group date, I'll just stick with the girls I'm close with." And with that, we are introduced to the new target in Emily's crosshairs: Heather is out, Nina is totes in.

And so, off on their date they go! As the Nissan PARKS ITSELF! (can we have our money now?) Emily remarks that "I don't know much about Nina. I know that she isn't someone I would be friends with." Which is a very interesting judgement to make about someone you proclaim to not know very well, dear Emily...

The girls arrive at Ultimate Karting Sydney where they find Osher & Sam zipping around the track. No helmet hair here though!

Fresh to death.

After Osher announes the girls will be competing in the "inaugural Bachelor Grand Prix," Nina can barely contain her excitement, explaining how she used to race Japanese imports and drift cars (I have to say, this was a bit of a revelation for me, I did not see that coming from a wedding planner. Never judge a book by its cover, Jessica!) This then sets up Emily's next dig: "I just don't see anything with Nina and Sam. I just don't think he would be really attracted to her. She's a bit...crass."

Crass Nina and the rest of the girls then get kitted up for the big race:

 I just wish this shot had been in slo-mo...

And after Emily makes one last snipe, hoping Nina "chokes," they're off! Let this be a testament to the competitive spirit: no matter how much of a princess Emily may be, her desire to WIN - and particularly to BEAT THAT CRASS BITCH NINA - has overtaken every other instinct. I have to say, if this is her first time go-karting, she's a natural at picking the racing lines. You may have found your calling, Em!

Meanwhile, Heather was just being her usual awesome self, burning rubber and whatnot.

#TeamHeather

At the end of the race, Emily easily takes the win, pulling into the pit lane after the chequered flag falls. Nina fails to see this though, and having assumed that she had overtaken Emily early on, celebrates a little prematurely...

...Awkward.

This is then followed by the awesome realisation once Osher announces that Emily has won by over 7 seconds...

"...Shit."

Emily then gets to claim her prize, which is some alone time with Sam. After he asks her if she had fun, she answers that "I'm just so happy I beat Nina!" To which Sam responds "I'm still trying to work out how I feel about Emily. I'm not sure whether Emily's here to find love, or if it's just about winning." OOOOH. Emily probably doesn't help her case much when she tells Sam that she thinks Nina would be off "licking her wounds" and that she doesn't really connect with her. Yeahhh, considering Sam has said that he really likes Nina, I don't know if that went over too well...

ALARM BELLS ARE SOUNDING IN SAM'S HEAD RIIIIGHT ABOUT NOW.

Back at the manse and the group daters are regaling the other girls with the tale of Nina's premature celebrations. And then in walks Nina. Awkies. But it's all glossed over quickly enough as in her hot little hands she carries a golden envelope, containing a single date invitation for Snezana to live "la dolce vita," which Emily & Nina announce means "the beautiful life!" I can just picture my best friend, who is Italian, throwing things at the TV at this point, because it's actually 'the sweet life'; beautiful is 'bellissimo.' And so completes today's rudimentary Italian lesson! You're welcome, universe.

Sam (who does know the meaning of la dolce vita, well done sir) and Snez then sail across the harbour in a vintage speedboat and arrive at Cockatoo Island (at least I'm 99% sure it's Cockatoo...) for their own private little Italy, complete with personalised pizzas, gratuitous shots of the cheese sponsor, and flour fights.

Oh, just stop it with the cuteness already.

Back at Back Manor, the girls are sitting around discussing whether they think Snez will return with a rose. After Bec says how obvious it is that Sam is attracted to Snez, Nina adds "like with the pash at the group date!" Which catches everybody off guard, seeing as the only people who Snezana had told about the kiss were Nina & Bec. WAY TO GO NEENS. Emily then weighs in, saying "Nina is as two-faced as they come...Nina can say some things that can come across as quite catty and nasty. I just don't trust Nina. I don't trust her at all." God, I would LOVE to know what's gone down between these two when the cameras haven't been rolling. You know there's a good story there.

Meanwhile, blissfully unaware that her beans have been spilled, Snezana continues to enjoy her little slice of Italy with Sam. Having discovered that Snez is apparently a huge Star Wars fan, Sam has commissioned a "Death Star" inspired dessert from Gelato Messina (Sydneysiders, if you haven't yet sampled their wares, I highly recommend you hightail it there, quick smart. I once hiked up the steep streets of Darlinghurst in six inch stilettos for a late night gelato. TOTALLY WORTH IT HASHTAG NO REGRETS.) Snezana is so into her dessert that when Sam pulls out a rose from under the lounge, she stops to shovel the last spoonful in her mouth before accepting. That's my kind of woman.

Cocktail hour! And boy, is there plenty of Emily material to go 'round! After Nina frets about Snezana's reaction when she owns up to spilling about the pash, Emily tells us "Nina is not genuine, she says what people want to hear." Soon after, Snez returns from her date and Bec & Em are sitting in the next room, frustrated that other girls are faking excitement, with Em saying "if there's one personality trait that I hate the most, it's people that are two-faced. And that's what I think [Nina] is."

As always, Sam & Heather are adorable and I just want them to hurry up & get together, because if anyone else wins Sam's love, I'm going to burn this mother down I'm going to be very cranky indeed.

Including this moment for no other reason than Heather is adorable.

Rose ceremony time! And YAY Heather is called first! ...Look, I'm sure the order means nothing, other than what will play best on TV of course, but it must feel good to be the first girl called.

Ooh, another dig at Nina from our favourite bitchface princess: "I just don't see anything with Nina and Sam. I just don't think he would be really attracted to her. She's a bit rough around the edges." Of course, Nina is next to receive a rose. And oh, if looks could kill...

"This guy, I swear, picking rough-around-the-edges, secret-spilling crass bitches before me, why I oughta..."

In the end, we are left with Bec and Nanna Rachel. Seeing as she's had a total of 5 minutes screentime all season, it's no surprise that Rachel is the unlucky lady leaving us tonight.

"Wait, where did she come from?" - My husband slash most of the viewing public.

NEXT TIME: Oh, we have SO much to look forward to. Another girl (all signs point to Bec) gets the heave-ho prior to the rose ceremony! New girls crash the party! More bitchface than you can poke a stick at! And - the rumours were true - an epic tantrum from Emily that sees her walk out.

The Bachelor Australia airs Wednesday & Thursday nights from 7:30pm on Channel Ten. Missed an episode? Catch up here:
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6
Episode 7

mamamedia recaps :: Episode 7 of The Bachelor Australia

Someone kisses, but will they tell?

We open to the remaining 8 bachelorettes sitting ever so casually around the lounge, lamenting the departure of Awesome Jacinda. You & me both ladies. You & me both.

No time for sadness though, as Osher strolls in with the coveted golden envelope, which he assures the girls does not contain any funny business like last episode. Ebru seems doubtful, Emily...well, Emily seems more interested in her tea, which I can absolutely respect (she types, as she picks up her teacup...)

All the girls seem pretty adamant that it will be Emily who will be "treasuring time together" with Sam...and they're spot on. After she fails to react as effusively as some of the other girls would have expected, they begin to question whether she's actually that excited about her time with Sam. I can't really judge her here though, because if it were me, I'd probably have this very expression on my face whilst thinking "Oh God. I hope we're not skydiving. Wait, did the invite say treasure? That probably won't mean skydiving, right? What am I going to wear? Is that food in my teeth? Holy crap this is a good cup of tea."

 

As Emily sails off to meet her possible prince, she tells us "I'm here to have a great experience today. I've been single now for about six months or so, I'm not overly happy about it. I think that I can be a bit of a princess sometimes and I think it's more that I'm high maintenance within myself." Nothing wrong with having high standards girls! It might not be for every guy, sure, but to hell with them! There are some men that enjoy, in the words of Chandler Bing, "maintaining you."

Back at the Manor, Heather & Nina wonder how Emily's date will go. After they guess that it will involve a treasure hunt, Nina snarks "I don't know how she'd go actually having to do the shovelling. I think she'd be more than happy to supervise." Well. Me-ow. Nina then infoms us that the side of Emily they see in the house is one that is very princess-like and particular, to which I say...don't worry Neens, she's not exactly hiding it in front of the cameras.

Back to the beach, and the date does indeed involve a treasure hunt that requires Emily to jump on a paddle board to find a clue. Here I am, hoping for some elaborate Survivor-esque adventure, with diving and climbing...nope, just paddle over to that buoy and yank on the rope to pull up the clue, then look in some rocks, then back to the beach. Oh look, there's a GIANT X on the sand. You're done! After digging up a chest, Emily discovers her treasure is a $10,000 tennis bracelet...not bad for a day's work! Oops, I mean, what a touching gesture!

"Did you get a nice clear shot of the sponsor? Yes? So I can stop holding this box in such a contrived manner? Sweet."

We cut back to Bach Manor to see Snez reveal a golden envelope inviting the ladies on a group date where, for the first time this season, all seven remaining girls will be going on the group date, meaning poor Emily will be rattling around the manse on her lonesome for the day. According to the invite they will be "living the simple life," which raises some red flags amongst some of the ladies. Apparently, Jasmin doesn't like "animals touching her, or dirt, or smell, or not being able to wear heels" so she's obviously going to L-O-V-E this date if it happens to be anywhere rural. Jasmin confirms this, saying "I don't really like to go and milk cows, or round up sheep, or pick up poo..." Can I just say: Jasmin, sweetie, you won't be picking up poo. It's a farm, not a litter box.

Returning to the beach, and Sam & Em are getting down to some real talk. Emily confesses that she always thought she'd be married by 28 with a baby by 30, saying "I didn't comprehend that that couldn't happen." Both Sam and Emily seem to be the lone singles amongst their groups of married friends with babies, and as they talk and laugh, all I can think is that it's really nice to see some real sense of vulnerability from Emily.

P.S. Hey Emily: You should do the messy hair thing more often. It totally works.

Group date time! The girls jump in the Nissans, with their INBUILT GPS and their GIANT SUNROOFS and their BLATANT PRODUCT PLACEMENT, to head off to the Australiana Pioneer Village in Wilberforce. Once there, they meet up with Sam and Osher, who informs them that, as Sam's a bit of a country boy at heart, they'll be experiencing simpler pleasures, enjoying some fun & games - including farm chores! - and ending with a barn dance in the shearing shed. How cute.

Their first exciting activity is apple bobbing. I'm surprised that the girls don't seem to have heard of this before? Hmm. Anyway, first up is Sarah vs Jasmin. Jas lets it be known early on that she has no interest in dunking her face in a bucket of water, and Sarah takes the win. Next sees Heather easily beat Rachel. Bec wins over Snezana, who struggles to actually get her head in the bucket on account of her ample chest. Nina takes on Ebru and comes up against the same struggle as Snez...her way around it though is to just tip the bucket over herself and grab an apple on its way out. Ebru isn't too impressed at what appears to be a deliberate wet t-shirt manuever, but you can't argue with results!

On to the semi-finals and Bec bests Sarah, receiving the least sincere "good on her" that the world has ever seen. Up next is Nina vs Heather, who notes that "in her last round, she just tipped the bucket over herself, grabbed an apple and came out on top! So I was like, if I'm going to do this, I'm gonna have to be really stealth, like a puma - in & out." And stealth she is, snatching the apple up in seconds: "I actually ripped it out and spat it out like some kind of triumphant bear catching a salmon, I was like, I GOT ONE!"

"VICTORY IS MINE"

And so the final is Heather vs Bec. It's truly a blink & you'll miss it match-up though, as Heather is in the water for all of 2 seconds before she emerges with the apple. Heather then declares "I'm the King of Bobbing..."

"...sounds dirty."

As a reward for her exemplary bobbing skills (teehee, it does sound dirty) Sam pulls her away for some alone time. Adorably, when Heather says she had no idea she was competing for time with him, he tells her "maybe that wasn't the prize but when you won I just decided to make it the prize." Oh he's smooth. #TEAMSAMTHER. ...yeah, that doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it? Hmm. That's gonna need some work.

After Heather & Sam return with their homemade lemonade, he informs the girls that their next super-fun activity will be...sheep shearing! As you can imagine, Jasmin is THRILLED.

And oh, what a miserable time Jasmin has having to touch the FILTHY DISGUSTING SHEEP. I'm wondering if she's had some sort of traumatic farm incident as a child, because sheep really aren't that awful. Having attended an agricultural school and thus spent a considerable amount of time around farm animals, I can vouch for them being perfectly adorable (if a bit dim) creatures! They're not particularly dirty; the greasy feeling that Jasmin would be mistaking for dirt is just lanolin. The way I look at it: if you're happy to spend money on the clothes and the cosmetics made from their fleece...well, touching the live thing ain't all that different. But that's just me, I get that some people are a bit funny around large animals. Each to their own, different strokes, et cetera.

After the sheep shearing is finished, Sam and the girls retreat to the shed for a barn dance. Everybody's in high spirits, riiiight up until Sam pulls Heather outside for some fresh air. Ruh-roh. TO HELL WITH YOU GUYS. #TEAMSAMTHER. This move takes Heather by surprise as well, having accepted that she probably wouldn't get any more one on one time after their lemonade session earlier. They're really cute, guys. Heather has a habit of thanking Sam for talking to her and he finally calls her on it, saying "You don't have to say that, it's crazy to say that. Because when you say that it sounds like talking to you is a chore. It's not a chore, it's an absolute pleasure." After she shares that she's spent her whole life feeling like she's always in the way, Sam responds "You're a pretty amazing girl and I've only scratched the surface, you shouldn't be saying or thinking things like that...I don't say it to be amazing, I say it because it's what I think." It's obviously a deeply ingrained habit though, since seconds later she thanks him again.

"WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU?!"

Sam then takes Sarah aside for a catchup. She admits that "I wasn't sure if it was the wine or it was Sam that I got really flustered over, but I think it was just a combination of them both." Yeah...I definitely think the wine has something to do with it, dear Sarah. I can't exactly put my finger on what it is that gives it away though...the giggles, the repetitive compliments ("you're OK" "YOU'RE OK!!") the rosy flush across your cheeks & decolletage...Or just a combination of them all, perhaps?

After he returns from his time with Sarah, Sam decides to pull Snezana away for a chat. Jasmin is LOVING IT:

I can only imagine the shit that would be hitting the proverbial fan if she got word of THIS little bit of mischief...

BUT WHAT OF THE GIRL CODE?!?

Rose ceremony time! That's right, no cocktail party tonight, we get straight into it. You know the drill by now: Heather gets a rose, and Emily makes a face:

In the end, we're left with Nina and Jasmin. In another completely predictable ending, Sam picks Nina, solidifying the message that, if you want to win the heart of Sammy Boy here, you best leave your tiaras at the door. No princesses allowed.

As she departs, Jasmin assures us that "I haven't given up on love" ...which is good to know, seeing as she is TWENTY FOUR YEARS OLD. Hurry up girl, you're running out of time! You better not give up!!

NEXT TIME: "The competition revs up" as the girls take to the go-kart track, the groundwork is laid for the EMILY V NINA rivalry, and Nina spills the beans on the group date pash. NICE ONE NINA.

The Bachelor Australia airs Wednesday and Thursday nights from 7:30pm on Channel Ten. Missed an episode? Catch up here:
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6

EVERYBODY BE COOL :: In Defence of the Bachelorettes

It's a cold, miserable day here in Sydney and I'm using the dreary weather as an excuse to wrap myself up in a cocoon of blankets and catch up on my Bachelor recaps.

While waiting for my tea to steep, I browsed through some of the recent tabloid articles about our lovely Bachelorettes and was surprised to see so much negativity being directed towards some of the girls - both in news and social media. Suddenly I started to feel...not so great. So much so that I felt the need to come here, jump up on my horse and white-knight for these fair maidens for a sec. Although I'm sure they are more than capable of sticking up for themselves...I mean, did you see how Jacinda gave Sam the business after the Groundhog Date disaster? What a boss.

"You are correct, but I will allow you to proceed." All hail Queen Jacinda.

Let me start by saying that I love this show. I love watching it, recapping it, and from what I can tell, you guys don't mind reading about it either. I think this year's cast (because that's what it is: a carefully selected cast of characters) is great: a colourful mix of beautiful women, each with her own story to tell. With so much time devoted to Sam's story, it's a shame that we don't get to hear more about their lives, but that's the way it goes with TV, innit?

HOWEVER: I am very aware that what we are seeing every Wednesday and Thursday night is a carefully manufactured love story between Sam and *insert winner here.* It is the story that the producers want to tell, not necessarily an accurate representation of the weeks spent confined in Bach Manor.

And it seems to me that the inability of a portion of the audience - viewers and commentators alike - to recognise this difference, between actual reality and the "REALITY" we are being presented, is what is now resulting in such vitriol being directed towards some of the women. It only takes a cursory glance at social media to see that they are being torn to shreds over their depiction on the show and it's not OK.

For example, let's take a look at what is behind the "bitchy" "rivalries" "!!!" that are getting so much media coverage: During filming, these girls live together 24/7. They only leave the house when on dates and are allowed one supervised phone call home a fortnight. It's only natural for there to be conflict in this scenario. I certainly don't expect all of these women to be BEST FRIENDS 4EVAAA merely because they've been thrown into a virtual prison together. Some viewers might like to think they're all sitting around the manse, giggling and braiding each other's hair, but I'm more realistic.

But back to that story-telling element: Producers love conflict and drama. Drama equals dollars. However, some conflicts will play to the audience better than others. People don't want to see Heather or Snezana being nasty about other contestants, because they're being framed as the frontrunners. Nobody wants to see Sam end up with a raging bitch, after all! But if it's someone like Emily? Sure, pile it on! More bitchface reaction shots! More comments about other girls that are clearly edited because. they. are chopped. up. like this.! Have you noticed how often we hear Emily's comments, not actually see her say them? Mm.

Is she a RAGING MEGA BITCH, or just getting food out of her teeth? WE'LL NEVER KNOW. 

"But Jess, have you read your recaps? Surely you're a part of the problem?" Ah, good question my lovely, which brings me to why I felt compelled to write this rambling mess. When I recap the show, to me it feels as though I'm commenting on fictional characters, rather than real people. Because once again: we're not seeing what these girls are really like, we're seeing what the producers want us to see. As an example, how many of you knew that Krystal is a mum? Anyone? Because they sure as hell are going out of their way to remind us that Snezana is a mother, but Krystal's son wasn't mentioned once during her time on the show.

Anyway, in my mind there is a clear distinction between the real-life women, and the characters on my TV screen. Just because I refer to her as Shitstorm doesn't mean that I think Sandra is a horrible person, funnily enough she actually reminds me of one of my closest friends. And as for the aforementioned Bitchface Heard Across Australia? I happen to LOVE Emily's facial expressions, hence why I include so many frames of them: they are truly one of my favourite parts of the show. My husband cracks up whenever they cut away to an Emily reaction. More bitchface, I say! But every story needs a villain, and much like Laurina last season (who was my favourite, incidentally) unfortunately this season the producers have decided that the duty falls to Emily. Is it fair? No, of course not, and no one is being more vocal about this than Emily and her family, who must be having a difficult time watching. If it's any consolation to them though, I'm sure I'm not the only viewer who would love to see more of Emily outside of her being the "princess."

Ultimately what I'm trying to say is that I hope that my recaps have been read in the humourous tone in which they were intended, but I have to acknowledge that my words may come across as genuinely hurtful appraisals of the contestants and if this is the case, then I apologise unreservedly. 

Before I return to our regularly scheduled snarking, just a final reminder to be cool out there, interwebz. It might be fun to fire off a nasty tweet whilst enjoying tonight's episode, but remember that these women exist outside of the Bach Manor bubble.

The Bachelor Australia airs Wednesday and Thursday nights from 7:30pm on Channel Ten.

mamamedia recaps :: Episode 6 of The Bachelor Australia

In short? NOT COOL BRO.

"I'm having such a great time getting to know everyone, but there's still ten girls in the mansion and there's just not enough time, so I'm going to shake things up a bit: I've planned a date that's going to be fun, there's going to be laughter and most importantly, I'm going to see how the girls handle situations when things don't quite go to plan." ...Aaaand this right here was our first clue that shit was going down this episode. But first - biceps!

Over at Bach Manor and the ladies are lounging around in their PJ's (oh, and full faces of makeup, because who isn't camera ready at bedtime?) when - surprise surprise! - Osher appears out of a shadowy corridor to present the girls with the coveted golden envelope. Good thing we just happened to be perfectly made up for this moment, Osh! What great timing you have!

I always rock a smoky eye at bedtime. Standard.

The lucky lady is Ebru, who will be "throwing caution to the wind" on a single date with Sam. And what a single date it will be! Cut to Sam: "Today I'm doing things totally differently - I'm calling it the Groundhog Date! I'm taking three girls on exactly the same date, but things are not going to go quite to plan, it's gonna be a lot of fun and we'll see how the girls will handle it when the chips are down." HOW ROMANTIC.

Nah, sorry, this made me really angry. So you're saying that, rather than taking girls on solo dates that have been planned just for them - like EVERY OTHER SINGLE DATE so far - you're taking three girls on the exact same generic outing. On top of that, you're also setting them up with scenarios designed to put them out of their comfort zones, not because you want to share in the experience with them, like if you were to go skydiving, but because you want to test them. You're basically conducting scientific experiments on three unsuspecting women. Nice.

As Ebru & Sam depart on their date, Ebru blissfully unaware that her every move will be judged against two other women, they barely make it around the corner before their limo driver informs them of a flat tyre. I wonder: is there some sort of trick tyre they're using for this? Or do these girls not know what a flat tyre looks like? Anyway, Ebru helps Sam change the tyre like a champion - EVEN THOUGH IF SHE DECLINED THE OFFER TO HELP YOU CHANGE IT THERE WOULD BE NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT SHE'S IN A SKINTIGHT DRESS AND HEELS YOU JERK.

Back at Bach Manor and Bec wanders into the lounge with a golden envelope tucked under her arm. As Ebru is out on a single date, the assumption is that it will be a group date. PSYCH LADIES. As we know, it's another single date, with the cryptic clue: "Land and sea, you and me." Straight away, Jacinda announces that she gets terrible seasickness and hopes that it's not her. Which of course means that it's Jacinda on the invite.

This is the face you make when having to contemplate vomiting on a date.

We then see Jacinda hop into the limo - in case you were questioning the timeline, this date took place the morning after Ebru's, who didn't return to the mansion that evening - and, of course, they only make it a few metres before the "flat tyre" occurs. Lucky for poor dainty Sam, she's more than willing to help - we don't call her Awesome Jacinda for nothing! ALTHOUGH SHE WOULD BE AWESOME EITHER WAY BECAUSE SHE IS NOT OBLIGATED TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS FARCE LOOK HOW IMPRACTICAL HER OUTFIT IS.

"A bit too boob-y" - Jacinda

 

We cut back to the Manor where the ladies are beginning to worry for Ebru, who hasn't returned from her date. It's now starting to sink in that these aren't normal single dates, and there's a possibility that one or neither of the girls will be returning. Just as Rachel & Bec share their relief to have missed out on these dates, Osher enters with yet another invitation. There's no squeals or cheers today though, just an ever increasing sense of impending doom. The clue offers no sense of comfort, saying "you never know what's around the corner." Well, obviously. The girls all agree that they do not want their name to be on that card, but unfortunately someone's is, and it's Bec. And isn't she thrilled!

JUST LOOK HOW HAPPY!

After the girls have all completed Level One: Feeling Deflated to Sam's satisfaction, they move onto the next phase of the date: Jetboating. The basic idea seems to be: if I take these beautifully made-up ladies, who have no doubt spent hours preparing for this time with me, and drench them in seawater, will they snap? Alas, all three girls take it in their stride and enjoy the ride. Level Two: Drowned Rat: ACHIEVED. You may proceed.

We then arrive at the restaurant for a "romantic" lunch and Level Three: Full Service. The waitress is, unbeknownst to the girls of course, an actress who has been hired to flirt mercilessly with Sam and generally undermine his companions. This includes referring to Ebru as Elbow and mopping up spilt water in Sam's crotch. Ebru prickles, Bec giggles, and Awesome Jacinda just can't even.

I feel you babe.

Onto Level Four: Fear Factor. No simple chicken or steak for these ladies, oh no. What purpose would that serve when you're trying to provoke a reaction, right? So they enjoy a lunch of fried crickets - Mexican style! - and "Poultry Three Ways" - chicken feet, duck tongue and duck chin. MMM. Delicious. Funnily enough, Sam seems to handle it worse than the girls do. Suck it, Sammy Boy.

"HA, you brought this upon yourself!"

Back at Bach Manor, the rest of the girls are seriously starting to worry about the Groundhog Three, as none of them have yet returned. All of a sudden - excellent timing, as always - Bec walks in and starts to recount the tale of The Strangest Date Of All Time. As she tells of changing a flat tyre in her mini and heels, we are treated to one of Emily's winning expressions...a look that seems to say, "Thank GOD I missed out on this one."

"CHANGING A TYRE?! No thank you."

If hearing Bec's story wasn't strange enough, just as she finishes, Jacinda waltzes in. She manages to get one sentence out before the rest of the group realises that they have been on the same date. That, or as Sarah seems to believe, they have conspired to spin a story. Cin quickly puts that theory to bed, as her & Bec compare their experience and realise that they have been conned. Just as the tears start to flow and people begin to wonder whether Ebru might have walked out on her disaster date, she finally returns, blissfully unaware that her date was a joke. Ebs only has to say a few words before she is cut off by laughter and discovers what has transpired. Ugh, these poor women. I'm totally #TeamGroundhogThree here. Man, these producers are dicks (because let's be honest, Sam really had no part in the creation of this date.) HOW DARE YOU MAKE AWESOME JACINDA CRY.

HOW DARE YOU, SAM. HOW VERY DARE YOU.

What really grinds my gears though, is seeing how unsympathetic the other women seem to be towards the three. They seem baffled as to why they would be upset, to which I say: Can you not imagine how humiliating this would be?!? I was dying a little on the inside as I watched. This attitude is even more irritating when it's coming from those who have already enjoyed real dates with Sam, like Sarah or Snez. Just in case you hadn't heard: A normal single date is said to last around 12 hours. According to Jacinda, she, Ebru, & Bec were only given 2 hours with Sam. Putting aside all the bullshit they were subjected to, I am sure they would have already been feeling upset that for some reason, they weren't deserving of the same amount of time as the others. And then to realise that they'd been put through a circus to see if they'd snap...well, as Ebru says: "Everything that happened, everything that we went through...Was it real?" Exactly. When everyone but you is in on the joke, how can you be certain what was genuine and what was part of the act?

Cocktail hour! And it's a very different energy at this cocktail party than normal. Sam enters the room and remarks that it's "not as warm a welcome as I'm used to receiving." O RLY? I wonder why that is. Poor Bec here can't even bring herself to look at him. GIVE HIM HELL, BEC.

Sam pulls Bec outside for a chat, where she lets him know how terrifying it was for her to receive the date invitation, since she knew something was up after Ebru & Jacinda had not returned. She also lets him know that she's quite guarded with her emotions because she trusts too easily and has been hurt in the past. WAY TO GO, SAM, JUST PROVING TO BEC ONCE AGAIN THAT MEN ARE DICKS. Sam is doing some hardcore damage control, assuring Bec that the fun on their date was real...but makes no apology for the fact that the date was set up to TEST THEM. But damnit, Bec falls for it. MAKE HIM APOLOGISE.

Next up is Ebru - maybe she'll bust his balls? Once again, he assures Ebru that he genuinely enjoyed their time together. He also adds that he wishes he could take all three on single dates, but the reality of the situation is that there is such limited time that it wasn't possible. Hmm..STILLL DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY THEY HAD TO BE THE EXACT SAME DATES, SAM. Damn, Ebru lets him off as well. WHY WON'T ANYONE TELL HIM JUST HOW SHITTY IT WAS?

Finally, it's Jacinda's turn. Will she be the one to see through his shit?

YES YES YES I KNEW I WAS CALLING YOU AWESOME JACINDA FOR A REASON. When he asks if she's OK, she responds "No. No I'm not." This absolute BOSS of a woman then proceeds to wave off Sam's explanation that he "needed to spend time with them" and tells him "it's so simple. I want someone to recognise me from the start, and I want someone to give me the best date ever, because I deserve it." YES YES YES ALL HAIL QUEEN JACINDA.

Of course, Sam now admits that he doesn't know if he sees anything more than friendship between them, so Jacinda heads home, sparing her the unnecessary cruelty of a rose ceremony. BOOOO SHE WAS THE BEST. Actually, never mind. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

"You were the only girl to stand up to me...which means you have to go."

NEXT TIME: Emily finally receives a single date and Sam puts the "ho" in hoedown* when he kisses a girl on a group date.

The Bachelor Australia airs Wednesday & Thursday nights from 7:30pm on Channel Ten. Missed an episode? Catch up here:
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5

* Hoping that you guys realise that I am not seriously calling anyone a ho. I just couldn't resist making the joke.